stupidtom.com

subtitle: screaming as if I happened upon a nest of clowns.

With a day off and the family at the fair I decided to reclaim my land back from the encroaching jungle. I was talking to the trees as I hacked them back to the boundaries and let them know that the needed to respect my property line.

The blue thing you can kind of make our is a tarp covered boat that the widow next door cant bring herself to get rid of since her husbands passing. I think we are somewhere near the ten year mark on that one so it might be time for a stupidtom heart to heart and offer of assistance.

I even hacked into the canopy that was invading the dog litter box.

I even restacked the remaining wood.

And now it looks like we planted an enormous shrub at the bottom of our driveway. I like to call it nature sculpting.

So I’m putting all of my tools away and I moved something in the barn to discover a dead possum. And buy discover I mean shrieking a string of curse words in a loud falsetto that completely embarrassed me even though I was alone with no witnesses. Flies were all over the thing but it didn’t look long dead so I scooped it up in a shovel and dumped it into the neighbors yard for later burial. (this is not the asshole move that it seems because she is never home and when she is she never ventures outside.)

I finished my cleaning and then went to head over to bury the thing when I found out that I was actually playing possum. I think I just had a brush with the Sir Laurence Olivier of the arboreal marsupial world. This guy came with a complete cast of supporting players which makes me think that they are some sort of roaming acting troupe. The only thing that would have scared me more would have been if it was made up as a clown. bite me.

I can’t figure out what’s going on with his pants and his shoe.

On our way over to the Crave this evening my friend George proposed that we try to not drink beer this evening. Always one for a challenge I agreed and by the time we made it to our destination our drinks of choice were picked and we were on our way. We had a little too much time to ourselves because we were consuming at a break neck pace and by the time we noticed some of our friends around us we were in the middle of a full blown challenge.

We both pledged to drink nothing but our alcohol of choice for this entire holiday weekend. The first one to flinch (have a beer) has to et the other hit him in the arm with a whiffle ball bat. Not the big fat wrong color ones either but a real thin yellow wbb.

It is on Like Donkey Kong and I have no idea what that means unless I will be locked in some kind of competition against a barrel rolling giant ape but I am in on this stupid little contest no matter what it takes. Having just arrived home I would imagine that my opposite in this competition is just about home thinking over his snacking possibilities before heading to bed. I think he forgot that he ordered and ate an entire tall glass full of pickle spears.

I do so love the night before a holiday. PS I would leave this post as it stands if the red squiggles would show up in the post. I have misspelled and or miss typed every other word. awesome. Kids, don’t drink and write.

20 years today. Not bad at all. What gift is the traditional twentieth anniversary you might ask but I would have no idea. This year I am giving my bride the gift of wood. Get your mind out of the toilet, we are (me and whatever friends I can trick into helping) will be taking up the two different levels of tile in the grand foyer and the spacious kitchen  and replacing it with a whopping three hundred and fifty square feet of lumber. Nothing says lasting love like the gift of wood.

We did just finish attending a fine chick flick at the Gold Class Cinema. Look it up online if you get a chance I highly recommend it.

I truly love words like thingamajig. (by the way if you are going to tell me I spelled that wrong try not to gag while you’re blowing me spelling bee champion) My Grandfather always forgot peoples names and since he’s still alive at 96 I’d better change that to forgets but he inserts crazy substitute names. Ephraim was his favorite and it made me smile all throughout my childhood. You could be across the room and he could be pointing at a guy twenty feet away that he had known all of his life and he’d say “go get Ephraim and tell him to come over here for a minute.”

I love shit like that. My mom has one that the kids have picked up on and it is “Holy Cats!” Every time she says it if there are two of my children in the vicinity they look at each other and giggle, Now Mom, if you’re reading this don’t take it the wrong way, they like it, it just cracks them up. I laughed at my grandpa partially because his name is Emory LeRoy and it almost sounded like he had Ephraim stuck in his head because it was so weird. By the way the separation and capitalization is how we spell it so folks like you will pronounce it the correct French sounding way Le Roy not that other incorrect way. And you heard me correctly I said we because I am lucky enough to be the third member of our family in as many generations to share that middle name.

In fact I was going to name this thing stupidthomasLeRoy.com but it was too long and just didn’t have the same ring to it. I also just couldn’t pull the LeRoy trigger when I had a son of my own. I don’t know why really either and he got a little shitty at me once when he discovered that he could have been a the third. Oh well do don’t pick your family or your name so you play the hand you were dealt.