If you are going to have the personal license plate that reads SERVGOD I feel like you should drive in an exemplary manner. Instead I had to stare at this thing for more than a half hour yesterday as he was one of the speed limit entitled. These people are under the mistaken belief that their status as a licensed driver as well as a tax paying Merican gives them the right to drive as slow as they wish in the far left lane. This is wrong. If you are a lawyer type who is tempted to tell me the letter of the law regarding federal interstate highways don’t bother. I hate you and your opinion is nonsense. The signs on the road that clearly state SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT apply to everyone.
The slow thirty plus minutes of torture allowed my mind to wander and I came up with a new invention idea. The Rebuttal Bumper Sticker. It’s not really a bumper sticker in the traditional sense of the words but more like a scrolling LED display permanently attached to the back of your vehicle. I would be paired to your smartphone and linked up with your systems virtual assistant. I also needs to be fluent in swear and able to be summoned hands free.
My vision is once you finally pass the rolling speed bump or whomever you would like to communicate with you ask Siri to tell the asshole behind you something. Example from yesterday:
“Hey Siri, I need to tell the person behind me something. Okay what would you like to say? I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH GOD AND HE SAYS YOU COULD BETTER SERVE HIM BY NOT DRIVING LIKE AN OLD DICK. Okay I’ll tell the driver behind you I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH GOD AND HE SAYS YOU COULD BETTER SERVE HIM BY NOT DRIVING LIKE AN OLD DICK“
I need to reach out to one of the many scrolling LED apps already on the market as I own two or three. Nothing makes folks laugh quite like a scrolling SHUT THE FUCK UP in the middle of a meeting.
Everyone has stuff going on in their lives my current problem is my current shitnado is all I want to write about but since this isn’t completely anonymous that wouldn’t be fair. So the sporadic posting is just the way it might be for a while. I also give you this background because I went a little unnecessary thermonuclear in the grocery store earlier today and I figured that was safe to talk about. Let me also set the table by saying that I hate grocery shopping. It is not my usual end of the bargain. I make a run to a big superstore and but the heave things like drinks, laundry detergent, and dog food. When I do go I need input from the family or else I come home with all the wrong things. Today the only one giving me any input was the boy so you might imagine the stuff that ended up in my cart.
I was laughing to myself as I unloaded it on the checkout treadmill. The theme or title of this shop could easily have been Diabetic Suicide. My headphones were on and loud as to discourage human interaction but I noticed that the dude in front of me was scowling in my general direction. When I inquired as to a potential problem he answered by asking if I was going to feed that stuff to my kids. I was taken aback probably because I would never comment on someone else’s purchases unless they were my friend and I wanted to break their balls. My not answering was some sort of opening for further input. He began to talk about the obesity epidemic when I cut him off.
“listen up asshole you need to turn around and wait to pay for that pile of foliage and purge me from your memory banks. You might have noticed that I didn’t ask who you were going to torture with that pile of BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE lawn clippings… it’s because I don’t care. I am glad you are healthy and I hope you live two hundred friendless unfun years. Now kindly fuckoff.”
I am going to keep a tick sheet of known never will be my friends. I would bet the number would make me smile had I been keeping track all these years.
Started with an awesome sunrise
After walking through the St. Paul homeless version of an adjustable bed. Hard to see from my bad pic but they sleep on the angles. Someday I will write a book based in this habitrail.
Finished up in this awesome meeting room. I should have taken a better shot of the massaging loungers on the right.
When I have two beds in my room I like to mess with the maids. Sometimes I will build a fort on one bed with all the pillows and blankets just because I can. This morning I built a wide open window facing “lotion station.”
The maids didn’t touch a thing
And I can’t stop chuckling.
Nothing sucks the life outta me quite like a three hour work dinner. But luckily I came back to the room and checked the facebook to find a name from the past posted a very old photo
This was from that time I already wrote about in college where if we were sent a free portrait sitting for up to two people we went and took a free portrait for up to two people. I can’t remember how many total we took but it had to be close to a dozen. I am going to sleep laughing.
I get questions in person and also to stupidtom at the google mail thingy. I am in a shite mood after watching football so I figured I’d take the easy way out and provide some answers. First up is knowing where I live people ask if I am a Cubs or a Sox fan. The answer is unfortunately Bears. I like the sport of baseball when I’m at the game with friends but can’t call myself a fan. I couldn’t name three Cubs players if pressed and the two I do know are because I’ve ordered jerseys for people. (from a questionable Chinese manufacturer that I have somehow become the distributor of or for.) Baseball has a couple things going against it for me personally.
First is before the Cubs had those lights I would fall asleep after summer football practice with the game on in the cold basement. Cubs or Sox didn’t matter, I just needed a day game. So now I have conditioned myself to sleep when its on TV. In a bar or live is another matter. It’s great to watch professional athletes that have worked their entire lives play a tough game. However, I think the professional season length is stupid. No one should play or watch the game, especially the playoffs, in the cold. It’s a summer sport. And the fact that they can’t broadcast the games on regular TV because college football has a bigger audience should tell them that. Baseball needs to end before football begins. Okay, that was a long diatribe for a non answer. I am pulling for the Cubs as 100 years is too long to have a championship drought. Plus watching their ownership care about the team gives me hope for the Bears… a slim sliver of hope that selling the team might someday be an option or that some disaster might befall the annual family shareholders meeting.. you know, good thoughts.
In a related question I was asked what I thought about the “Fly the W” thing. The answer is I don’t. It’s completely cringe-worthy but my friends who are fans seem to have embraced it so what do I care. It is already getting old on Facebook as the bandwagon overflows but I am about finished with that cesspool as well so no harm there either. Fly whatever you want. I would like to meet the marketing weenie behind it. The Red Sox had the whole beard thing when they were trying to break their streak and the Cubs get decorative garden flags with a light blue 23rd letter of the alphabet. Seems not so great but the Cubs already got kind of screwed with their name if you ask me.
I was also asked about the progress next door and the answer there is not much. The neighbor calling code enforcement basically shut the project down. I am not sure what the trouble is but I know the original three week plan is long gone. The only progress of any kind was this week in the back yard. This is what it now looks like from the dog run.
after they cut and hauled away a bunch more jungle they scattered grass seed and covered it with straw. Silly idiots left just enough trace of Buckthorn so there will be a full wall by spring next year.
I did have to go out and deliver the stink eye to prevent complete removal of my beloved screen. They will have to salt the earth to prevent the mighty Buckthorn from propagating.
I made it home safe and sound late last night but the last leg of the trip was not without bumps. The delay was inevitable given the trip I was having so that didn’t really upset me and it wasn’t long in the grand scheme of airline buggery. The trouble arose as I found my seat. The Sikh gentleman in the middle was awesome. He was a perfect circle with a fancy three piece wool suit magical facial hair. He instantly brought to mind stop motion snow Burl Ives from Frosty the Snowman. The selfish witch seated next to him on the isle wouldn’t stop talking on her phone long enough to see that I needed to get in to my seat. When she finally noticed my looming and staring she was extremely put out by the process of getting up and out of my way.
Once I sat down it became apparent that his circular shape and my extended oval were going to touch all flight. I tried my damnedest to minimize contact, so much so that my back hurts today, but in the end we just had to deal. I don’t know how he kept from sweating. Along with the aforementioned costume he had four feet of human hair swirled atop his head covered in purple cloth. I had moisture circles everywhere we made contact as well as in places wee didn’t. Some kind of mystical mind control was happening next to me and that wasn’t my trouble.
When wee landed Princess Entitled Isle Seat stood up and proceeded to build a beaver dam of luggage. Two people were politely attempting to catch an international connection by excusing themselves forward. The international terminal is on the other end of the O’Hare universe so their behavior was understandable. Her highness pretended that nothing was going on and anyone behind her should wait their turn. The anxiety level was rising but the two nervous connectors didn’t know what to do. So I politely said “move your shit so they can make their flight.”
She looked like I had slapped her but she moved her ass and baggage enough so they could just squeeze by. The Sikh Circle was smiling and I went back to my book. In a strange attempt to do I’m still not sure what she louder than needed said in my direction “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.” I looked up puzzled. “How in the Hell does that apply to this situation?” She smiled at me as if I had just revealed myself a mental deficient. So I pressed on. “Seriously, are you the lemon in that situation? And what you said makes no sense. You didn’t say when life gives you lemons, clean water, sugar, ice, a nice pitcher, and something to stir it with. In your scenario the answer would be pucker up and develop a taste for lemons. I would prefer to tell the lemon to move its selfish ass out of the way but that’s just me.”
Stunned silence tastes good. Tired cranky traveler stupidtom loses yet another potential friend on an airplane. I wonder if I have made some kind of list with United yet… something to think about.
I have moved on to the feeling that this trip is somehow cursed. The work was good but strange in many ways I can’t discuss on a public outlet. Lots of reasons both professional and personal number one of which is it would be a douche move. But the work is done and I’m heading home.
After I turned my rental car in I boarded the same train that stole my notebook and it broke. That was the official technical explanation as we were all transferred to another train on another track. I looked around at my fellow troubled passengers hoping the foul stink of travel jinx wasn’t giving off any visible signs. We got here in plenty of time but some of my international friends were getting testy.
Then when I walked up to the gate it was the scene of my longest delay to cancel crime. In order to shake off the bad juju I am sitting in a bar making a new friend.
This little thing ordered my food and drink even taking my money all without pesky human interaction. Cause I’m not sure if you’ve heard dear reader but there is some kind of election happening soon and folks just won’t shut the folk up about it.
Like magic my dinner appeared and when my new friend asked if everything was okay I typed that one piece of bacon on a $15 burger seemed a bit off. Next thing you know a nice young gentleman showed up with three more strips of what I am sure is floor bacon. But I am not one to look gift pig in the rump so down the hatch. My second beer is currently whipping through cyber space and should arrive shortly.
If something goes tits up with this flight I’m coming back and tearing it from its mooring so we can elope. Always good to have a backup plan as I’m not counting any airline chickens before I safely land in Chicago.
As this trip just keeps on getting better by the day I find myself coming down with something. As my father used to say “I’ve got farfalonous of the blowhole” which aside from making me laugh every time I heard it meant some kind of severe cold or sinus thing. I woke up completely packed in the skull and my throat was sore from all of the mouth breathing slash scream snoring I must have done.
So sore in fact that there were bright red ribbons of blood which made me feel like a human starlight mint factory minus the delicious peppermint aftertaste. Anyhow, the fist full of antihistamines I swallowed throughout the day made driving back to the hotel an adventure. The sun in my eyes plus the mild overdose made for some entertaining after images.
Even now as I type this to you I am seeing a slight yellow ghost floating just to the right of my focal point. Add that to the regular host of floaters permanently playing on my eyeballs and this tablet looks like a moving diorama. It kind of makes me wish I had a shoebox to put it in to complete the effect from childhood. (crap, just stepped in an affect vs effect mind trap. Must resist the urge to look up and possibly correct)
WAIT, I sat down to tell you that I finally talked to someone at the airport last night about my missing bullet journal. The woman from Air Train security was very nice but treated me like the stupid tourist that I am. Her best line was “is there money or credit cards in it?” When I answered no she had no response. Elegantly calling me an idiot with her silence. After I explained that there was a specific sticker from Rocket Fizz New Orleans on the cover which I described in detail she hung up before I finished.
Well played Suzette. well played