picture picture

waiting

With the eldest child running her first half marathon in Florida and the wife along for support the white hairball is more confused than ever. She has spent the last two days waiting for this cruel joke to end. After I took the shot I realized it contained a number of household mysteries. Front and almost center is the makes-no-sense-crockery-full-of-holes. I think this is supposed to be a decorative candle holder thing but it’s huge and heavy and I don’t get it. It’s like a decorative toilet you put candles in because it serves no other purpose due to the ornamental holes. Sophisticated in my taste I am not and this thing confuses me.Next up is Praying Mary who is precariously positioned too close to the dog perch where nothing porcelain should live. Above her is a lamp affectionately known as the skin shade. Not really sure what the designer was thinking but it looks like something that would have been in Ed Gein’s front room when lit. And behind that is the neverending wall of coats. There are five humans residing in this house AND there is a coat closet crammed full so this area was supposed to be for active jackets and guests. No matter the time of year and in spite of the fact that I don’t have a single thing on it, the amount never goes down. I have offered cash rewards that have resulted in a single day population reduction but then like a magic trick its back.

Next up is Praying Mary who is precariously positioned too close to the dog perch where nothing porcelain should live although if anyone has a shot at survival it’s her.  Above Ma Mary (no lightning just yet I am happy to report) is a lamp affectionately known as the skin shade. Not really sure what the designer was thinking but it looks like something that would have been in Ed Gein’s front room when lit. If you don’t know Ed you have been exposed to some of his fine work through various forms of media just look him up and you’re welcome. Behind that is the neverending wall of coats. There are five humans residing in this house AND there is a coat closet crammed full so this area was supposed to be for active jackets and guests. No matter the time of year and in spite of the fact that I don’t have a single thing on it, the amount never goes down. I have offered cash rewards that have resulted in a single day population reduction but then like a magic trick its back. But oddly my money never reappears…. I really need to rethink that whole thing.

And so ends my academy awards post.

 

Bhave

I was watching the high school house league basketball tournament this afternoon and my blood began to boil. This is the place where kids who just love to play the sport can extend their careers. The actual high school teams only keep like 15 players so that leaves plenty of room. By the time they are this age they really don’t want a dad to draw up plays or do a bunch of strategizing. I tell you this as they are trying to draft me to be one of the required adults next year but I will only agree if I don’t have to do anything. And by that I mean ANYTHING. I will not write in the stupid scoring book nor will I work the electronic scoreboard. I will be one notch above propping a corpse in the coaching chair and I would only win that by a hair. The only work I will do is the draft because the kids are not allowed. So I will go armed with a list of my son’s friends and any other potential names will have to be agreed upon by text.

Anyway, this wasn’t supposed to be about my selfish laziness. I was enjoying the game having a lovely time watching the lead seesaw back and forth but a pair of dads from the other team would not shut up. And by that I don’t mean the normal mild cheering required at all of these things but some obnoxious nonsense. Some of what they were communicating was through veiled talking to their other younger children. “they only score garbage points” or “they don’t even run a real offense” and my favorite “they don’t even have enough kids to substitute everyone” as if that was by design or something the boys wanted to be the case. I was really getting irritated but I was surrounded by strangers and some friends and at least one child I didn’t want watching me lose it.

I was having a vivid waking dream of grabbing them both by the jacket collar (it’s cold out so the jackets are nice and thick, plenty of grip) and flinging them onto the court. (we were all seated in small folding chairs too low to the ground for a quick jump to their feet) When they looked at me for answers as they were getting up I planned on telling them if they promised to shut up they could come back and sit down otherwise I would keep launching them out of their seats. The thought of doing it was enough to calm me down and even though our boys lost a heartbreaker they had a great time all season. I was going to take a picture of the perpetrators but then pulled up in case something happened. I’m no lawyer but I’m pretty sure premeditation is never a good thing.

Luckily my friend who is also the coach is a camera guy so I will just use an action shot he sent.

ups

You should know I picked that one on purpose because if he ever reads this post he will be annoyed by the blur and the crash mat as main subject. Thanks for the great picture Larry!

thinking during a webinar

ThinkingI was on a call today doodling on my iPad. This wasn’t a complete waste of time as I was trying to learn something for work but I found my mind wandering into the media that is social. I would love to pick one and go with it but they all seem to annoy. The webinar I endured was trying to teach me how the future of customer service lies in these programs but I can’t help but call bullshit. People might head to these and complain or get questions answered but I can’t see my way through to them using a social media outlet to book a call.

So much about social media is on purpose impersonal. We only show the best of unless we are screaming for attention. During that same webinar they directed us to a Facebook page that told me this was a hook to get likes and then show us a potential system that might work. As soon as I figured out it was wishful non proven nonsense I kept listening but poked around in the BookFace and found an old friend screaming LOOK AT ME. 

He is going through some stuff without a doubt but instead of figuring out how to move on he has taken things to the court of his online friends in the weirdest way. I found myself analyzing his posts as if I were trying to solve a mystery. He lost his job but rather than ask everyone for help finding something else he shit all over his former company by name thus ensuring that most of us would not consider helping. Then he went on to blame his exfiance for all trouble by overusing the word betrayal to the point I wasn’t sure he really knows what it means. This little move should render him poison to any future potential mates.

He even danced around with religion and politics and the next thing I knew I had been reading for twenty minutes and the webinar had been over for almost ten. I am torn. I have typed a note to this guy but have yet to press send. It’s a mix of tough love and what in the hell were you thinking that finishes with a DELETE ALL OF THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY. I’m only typing this now because I can’t get it out of my head. Part of me hopes that this will exercise this demon before I meddle where I shouldn’t. This isn’t even a close friend. I feel like I’m watching someone I know slowly bury themselves and I can’t unknow it’s happening.

I’m sending a request to talk to him on the phone. Sorry about this weird post. I really needed to work this one out on paper. Been one of those days.

lose something psycho?

sofa over

So I was wrestling with the boy last night, an exercise that is getting harder by the day I should add, and the brain of my electronic leash dislodged. The Fitbit was a gift from Santa and I have grown used to its presence and constant reporting on my activity or lack there of so I was more upset than I would have thought. (deep mental breath after that horrible run-on sentence) After completing my normal grid pattern search of all areas where I had been during the battle I still had no luck. This little bean of a thing was working hard to evade detection and even though my phone could connect to it the dumb ass application has no way to play hot or cold with me.

I downloaded a couple apps claiming to be able to help but those things couldn’t find my wife’s Fitbit when it was touching the phone so I went another route. I have turned three rooms inside out like I was cleaning up a crime scene and still no luck.  So right now my leading theory is that a member of the household animal herd has consumed the damn thing thus rendering it forever unclean and therefore dead to me. It is just a thing but I am nonetheless annoyed.

Before I get to the rest of this tale I need to tell you that I will not spend another ten cents on one of these things. The finder app that cost money got returned almost immediately and the refund has already been processed. Because I am a glutton for punishment I decided to contact the company to see if there was some top secret way they could help me find it. Rather than the phone route I decided that live chat would work. It was accessed through the same helpful area that told me “Look near your laundry if you use a clip-on tracker. Many customers find that these trackers wind up in the dirty clothes pile.” so I was not expecting miracles.

Anyway, the experience was a shitshow as predicted and I was already irritable so when the chatbot started asking me some questions that my pre-school teacher wife would ask her class as they hunted for the big red ball in the middle of the room I gave up. But I couldn’t leave without giving them something to read. Even if I was typing to a computer algorithm my hope is that certain key words get kicked out to a human being for review.

“I put it in my ass so I wouldn’t have to wear that annoying rubber bracelet but I forgot I would have to charge it. When I dug around I couldn’t feel it anywhere so I was trying to figure out if it was traveling upstream through my digestive track. No big deal, I’m sure it will work itself out in the end.”

Luckily my natural distrust of all forms internet had me fill out the pre-chat registry will all false information. But hopefully I make some kind of weird customer hall of fame within that company.

 

Pretty sure I committed a crime

I have been struggling with the second half of my bad travel day post because I know that I took things too far. This is not an excuse but merely an attempt to catch you up with back story. So flight delayed causing connection troubles that meant jogging from one end of Denver terminal to the other. By the time I got to the gate they were waiting for me which is never a good sign. Got on the plane and had been bumped up to the front of the bus which was great news for a long flight. I settled in to my seat and as is the custom in first class I was asked if I wanted something to drink. I naturally replied “beer please.”

They look at you a little funny because you are technically supposed to serve you something you will finish before take off and I was the last to board but they don’t know me and I assured them that everything would work out. The older dude seated at the window hit me with a full on look of disgust as if I had already delayed his important trip to Chicago and my beer would further impede his progress. I tried to make some small talk while I waited for the can of refreshment to appear talking about the pain of airport running but he ignored me. He was reading a book that I am sure was meant to impress his fellow captains of industry.

I drank my beer and off we went. Throughout the trip he made it very clear that he was above everything and everyone. Even when the flying waitress brought him his carbonated tap water from a foreign land thanking him for his Global status, he barely grunted. Even the meal selection was beneath him as he answered but cutting her off mid menu with a hard NOTHING FOR ME. But I was in a giant seat with free flowing beer so life was pretty good. At one point I shifted in my seat and put my feet up on the bulkhead and he hit me with a “Do you mind?” The only answer I could come up with was No, not at all but had no real idea what we were talking about. I must have fallen asleep because a while later his little bird bladder required relieving and he nudged into my legs. When I looked up he cleared his throat and looked at the roadblock before him. I moved my legs but as I came around I began to get annoyed.

Could have been the beer or being woken from a delightful nap but when he got back by legs were up again he repeated the disapproving grunt. I moved my legs but Saltytom had boarded the aircraft and wanted to speak out. “Most people just say excuse me, they don’t bring up increasing amounts of phlegm, but congratulations you must be the Yoda of talking down to people as you just did it without using words.” He mumbled something with a sour face and completely my fault for not fully hearing as I failed to remove my ear buds but I went on the attack none the less. “Global status makes you pretty special but what do you look like compared to the truly successful people who can afford to fly private jets? I know THEY never have some random peasant upgraded to the seat next to them… Poor people problems am I right?”

He then pressed the waitress button above his head and asked if there were any other seats available. I took it as he was trying to have me moved being the big global shooter that he was so I shifted from salty to radioactive. Once he was informed that it was a full flight and he made his displeasure felt I began to sketch him.

asshat

I already had the iPad out to watch a movie so it was no big deal. I was really just waiting for him to notice and once he did I told him the title. “I’m calling it ASSHAT. Get it? You’re an ass in a hat..” No response. Trapped in a flying metal tube with an angry idiot who didn’t belong. I am hoping that he dictated some type of journal entry to his personal assistant during the limo ride home starring yours truly… Anyhow, the picture must have pissed him off because about a half hour later he basically ordered me to stop interacting with him and here is where I probably crossed the line.

“I will comply but I feel the need to thank you for helping me pass the time. I keep going through the different scenarios of standing up and pummeling you. Right now the only thing I know for sure is that neither your jaunty hat nor your super cool blue glasses survive any scenario. Have a nice rest of the flight.”

I am no lawyer but I would bet I violated something with that little outburst. This is also one of those scenarios that will come back to bite me at a point in the future. I’ll be at a job interview or applying for a loan and in will walk sweater vest matching glasses big shot. Oh well, I’ll blow up that bridge when I get to it.

jetset

assailant

That is a picture of a criminal. Not only did I have a horrendous travel day lasting more than twelve hours but it began with an assault from that little creep.

I was walking around the airport because my first flight was delayed and the new projected arrival time looked like it would give me a not so comfortable half hour to get from one end of the Denver United terminal to the other. Look it up sometime if you’re bored but trust me that leaves room for only the most efficient bathroom work and will probably result in some form of embarrassing airport jog. So my mind was on things out of my control and I was on the phone with the airline seeing if there was a way to pre-plan for disaster. The person on the other end of the line could not comprehend what I was attempting. I might have been the first person to ever call her BEFORE their travel plans officially blew up.

It was in the midst of this confusion that my walking path took me near that little menace. He barely registered even as I noticed I had wandered into an empty kids play area. Realizing how weird the giant bald man with no kids yelling into ear pods that looked like earrings I hustled my way out of the room and took a sharp left right into his creepy four-fingered hand. It turns out that children entering this play area could also use apple bag as a height gauge. Holy crap the pain in my nuts immediately radiated up into my stomach doubling me over. One of the earpod things scooted across the tile and I was breathing funny but at least the stars quickly blinked away so passing out would not be a thing.

Two people walked over to ask if I was okay which did NOT help. Very nice of them but unless they had an ice pack and high flow oxygen I was going through something that would just have to work itself out. I bent-over-walked to retrieve the plastic ear speaker as standing straight and tall seemed like a risky proposition. There were some comfortable chairs close and I finished my convalescence in relative peace. Seated across from him I couldn’t help but notice a look on his face like he had done this before and that is when I decided to take the picture. I live the glamorous life of a jet-setter.

Vd

Stupid sinkIf you were looking for a Valentine’s Day post or something about a social disease by the title you have come to the wrong post. Instead I would like to present the most spit upon sink design in America. This is the second one I have discovered in a room which officially rules out my original lazy plumber thought. I initially pictured a guy who brought the wrong fixture to the job and installed it thinking no one would check. I stand corrected and now know this is some designers “vision.” I stopped by a drug store on the way home tonight and purchased two things of isopropyl alcohol so I could stop brushing my teeth in the shower. But after drowning it first, then wiping it down, and rinsing with the rest I still ended up turning the shower on as a water source. For whatever reason I can’t scrub the the mental images of all the potential stuff to land on that schlong faucet and I want nothing to do with it. If this is some hippie water saving idea it is having the opposite effect. People are dehydrating to death during my five minute oral hygiene regime. That picture doesn’t really explain the three inches of usable sink but it’s all your going to get as I’m beat.