stupidtom.com

Here I sit on a conference call and typing this would break one of my rules about blogging on work time if I wasn’t listening to a repeat of the forty-five minute meeting I just endured. I am evaluating a new manager so I took notes like a cranked up schizophrenic for the first fifteen minutes and then her monotone delivery turned into a hum like a hive full of bees. It doesn’t help that I’m not in the room but its warm here at the stupidoffice so I went into a run of full-on head bobs. Now that I have a sore neck and we are ten minutes in nearing the really boring final thirty I am writing this as a survival technique. I have to give a little report after both meetings end and when I’m done typing this I’ll go to an online thesaurus to help dull the sharpness of my evaluation. Sadly in business I need to be a little less ME.

Speaking of ME I thought I was going to get in a fight at the Walgreen’s last night. Since Liza needs more allergy pills than the current drug overlords are comfortable with I had to drag my ass out to score I mean buy some. I don’t quite get that by the way because the folks that run meth labs readily giving their identification over to the asshole pharmacist that they see a couple times a month doesnt seem like it would happen a bunch but what do I know other than its an asspain. After that terrible sentence you probably would like me to stop now but I need to finish the story.

So I’m standing in line waiting to score next to a complete family unit. The baby in the cart is screaming at the top of his lungs for a ball in the toy isle. The dad was pacing and rubbing the full length of his arms then back to the top of his head and working down the other side. His eight year old asked what was wrong with him and he half shouted that he was having an anxiety attack. I don’t suffer from that particular mental malady but is sounded so weak coming out of a fathers mouth to his young child. Then he starts panic asking his wife who was busy at the counter probably trying to refill his anti-psychotics what was wrong with the baby.

She must be numb to his nonsense because six asks got nothing so I leaned over and said that he wanted the ball. I am no kid whisperer I just looked at what he was pointing at and followed the screamed BAAAA clue. The dad wheeled on me like I just asked him what color the sky was in his world. Big eyed shaky stare with both fists balled. That’s when I realized that I might have my first ever drugstore fight. I came close in seventh grade when Tim beat this kid up and his older brother caught us in the Osco alone but he ended up leaving when he realized that we weren’t scared if he was going to take us on at the same time. Anyway, I resisted the urge to mess with the crazy guy because his kids were there. The helpful eight year old had just retrieved the ball for her brother and without the crying his fruity anxiety was diminishing. That poor woman was dealing with a hot mess and once she got his elephant tranquilizers they left.

I need to start out with a small disclaimer and that would be that I don’t hate unions as a rule. I do however have a bit of a problem with professional organizers and their tactics. That being said let me tell my tale.

I was innocently waiting in line this morning for a much needed pop and listening to the guys in front of me talking about how shitty all of the non union trades are in Chicago. The head blowhard was droning on and on about the whole town being unionized and anyone whose not will be put out of business. Now I understand these guys are getting a bit desperate so they probably have to keep saying stuff like that out-loud so they believe it themselves but a show was being put on for the audience in the McDonald’s line. And then one of the trio whose back was to me turned around.

I knew I was in trouble when his eyes went wide. You see I used to run one of the largest nonunion shops in this market and I had personally thrown this gentleman out of my business more than once. I kept the poker face of paralysis and turned my head and gaze elsewhere. I was concentrating on ignoring them so I didn’t catch the complete introduction but it was something like “this guy is one of the biggest problems..” In an effort to diffuse the situation before things went south I mumbled something about working on my physical presence in the world but it sailed over their heads. I took the second that they looked at each other to tuck my badge behind my jacket so they couldnt see my new employer and then I got ready to chat.

I should also quickly explain that this was before the show opened and there were easily 200 people in line for the McCormick Place McD’s  and I think it just opened so the thing wasn’t moving much. The next line was something about me taking advantage of my employees so I countered with them taking more money home than the highest paid union plumber. They threw out pension and benefits I countered with their own salaries and the group of guys paid to babysit the twelve foot inflatable rat. We went back and forth until I told them that their time had passed in this country and maybe it was time to go unionize the third world. I got nothing in response so I pushed on with a little hunk on China, working conditions, child labor, etc. I might have said something about being scared because that was real live old school help someone in trouble justice based Union organization.

They threw back something about the way we treated our people (remember I don’t work there anymore so anything said was a fabrication) so I let them know we just installed a video game and TV lounge for the guys and our record sales meant that we all got a double company match on our 401Ks. That wasn’t so smart because then I realized why the organizers we loudly pontificating in the first place. We were surrounded by a bus load of kids from a local trade school and I stepped dead center in a propaganda speech. Now these kids were all looking at me to find out where the video game lounge company was and how they could get a job when they graduated.

It ended with me being told to fuck off and something about a scab blah blah blah but I was too busy plotting my exit. I might have finished with Comrades but who was keeping track? I spent the next five ours dodging to the back of the booth every time someone walked by wearing the school logo. Sometimes I’ve got to be less ME.

I just pried my shoes off after day two of standing at a trade show and in a matter of minutes I was staring at a pair of bear paws. I can feel my heart beating in them as they visibly expand and contract. I am one big whiny beyatch and need to drink some cranberry juice for my period. I would love to not be writing about this right now but its all consuming. I was talking to a couple of the guys who do this for a living and one of them does 30 shows a year. No effing thank you unless I am selling and demonstrating equipment for the handicapped. Something like a motorized rocker recliner with built in toilet and satellite TV.

And because I just mentioned TV (look at the pretty butterfly…) I should give a status on the entertainment currently being pumped into this house; WOW! cable. First, the internet dominates. Half the price of xfinity, faster than I’ve ever had at home, and running two wireless networks on the same pipe. Then there is the cable… The interface looks like a small child drew it with a crayon and the channels aren’t really organized. HD content is hard to find and remember. The channel lineup and bundles are just OK. But the unforgivable offence is I’m still getting a bit of pixelization on some of the HD channels. Complete nonsense and it will push me toward satellite come spring. I was already thinking about it for the lake so now I’ll see if they want to cut a deal for two locations. I dont think I’m asking too much. Cable costs an assload of money and a ton of people have HD TVs so why cant they figure this out? I’ll stop now as I’m boring myself but the whole cable thing bugs the crap out of me.

Finally, I came across a floating bar at the boat show a couple weeks ago and today I made a contact that could help us create our own floating tavern. This guy is a foam manufacturer and he was talking to me about closed cell waterproof foam that they manufacture. The best part is they have big odd pieces of scrap that are free for the employees taking. I took this dudes information and am trying to figure out roughly what sizes I’ll need to make a bar that can sit six to eight floating with a medium sized cooler suspended in the middle. My new friend doesn’t think this is a problem. Stay tuned.

Spent the day at a monster trade show and my feet are killing me. I am dangerously close to driving over to Walgreen’s and buying a heated massaging foot bath and some Epsom salts as if I were the octogenarian that I feel like right now. I had this whole great post planned all day today but the life has drained from me. I did however learn a new game and before I tell you what it is you need to know it was taught to me by a woman. The game is Spot the Toe otherwise known as the Camel Toe Game. The rules are simple; once a toe is sighted the outfit or other descriptive words are thrown out and the first person to confirm the toe gets a half point along with the spotters full one. Games are usually played to 21 but due to the location and weather we decided to play to 12. I finished second out of five contestants which wasn’t bad for my first try. Apparently the plumbing dig and drain shows around Indianapolis are the best hunting for people with no business wearing spandex or any stretch material for that matter.

And yes I did say people because I was witness to a dude with pants so tight that his nuts had to pick a side. Luckily he had a lot going on down there so his Jimmy just looked like a mushroom cap floating above a cleaved coconut. A close second is a game that I will play from now on called Tattoo Tales. This is where you have folks explain their atrocious ink and its complete origin. These guys played a point for just getting the story but I needed to make things more complicated as is my want. I proposed longest story, most touching tale, shortest explanation etc. They weren’t up for it but I will keep at it. I really think I’m on to something here. I have to go because my feet have swelled to the size if hams and that much pressure is making them throb.

I got back last night after three hours and twenty minutes of arm numbing middle seat riding. But I did get home and that was the important thing. I wish I had a personal videographer as I unzipped my bad and piled on layers while waiting for the car to pick me up. Suit and tie, short sleeve golf shirt next, then another slightly dirty dress shirt followed with a by that time snug wool blazer. I looked like an overstuffed homeless guy but I finally began to warm up. The ride home was interesting as I had to turn the temp down a couple of times as my bag was in the trunk and I didn’t want to scare the driver more than he already was.

Home this week except I’m working a trade show and then off to Denver again next week. I’m not sure what it is but the Colorado people seem to love me. I might have a little time this trip to look up some old addresses and take some pictures. Still unsure but I’m going to try. I am currently a mental midget and I’m not so sure that this trade show nonsense is going to help that situation. I signed up for this schedule but its beginning to wear at me just a bit. I’m glad I’ll be out of the house because I just found out that the kids are home for yet another mystery day off so I would have trouble getting anything done around here. When I get back from Denver I will begin the hard core push for a deck boat. I have some bait in the water and the bobber is moving a little but no real movement. I don’t think my dream boat and I will be united as the dealer called me this week and we are about fifteen thousand dollars apart. I dont have it and he wants me to take a loan so that means no deal. Something will come along and it will be a perfect hole in the water for me to dump money in. No need to spend any extra when I dont have too.