Delayed again

United is jamming it up my hind quarters again so I have a ton of dangerous thinking time on my hands. I just finished a book and this headache feels like a popsicle stick has been jammed into my brain in an unbelievable snacking accident. (Say jam again jamhole) Watching the Chinese fella across from me sleep just stopped being fun as I have guessed his entire life story so now it’s time to write but not about him. It’s too sad…

I was thinking more about my India cowmanitarian efforts when I remembered that my eldest child was just there and had to lie about her own philanthropy. She was over there helping sex trafficking victims or some better-than-me thing like that but she had to say it was for tourism. If I’m going in under a false tourism visa I might as well just go completely up to no good.

I’m thinking about an underground steak restaurant. With eating cows being illegal I would already own the thrill seeking diner market and with my limited understanding of the caste system it seems like that would really help target your marketing. Plus my main course is walking around everywhere free for the tasting er taking. 

The plan is just beginning to percolate but I already see great things. Open once a week to limited seating never in the same place twice. I will have to charge like a gillion of their pretend money but if your going to consume the forbidden beef it’s going to cost ya.

My seat mate is awake and attempting to create a meal out of the meager snack offerings in this lounge. An impressive triple decker cracker and cheese sandwich actually looks kind of good. Nope, now he’s gone and ruined it worth a big dollup of hummus. I need more beer.

A new one


I was standing in one of the bathrooms at work minding my urinal business when I heard a familiar clicking sound. I could have sworn that someone was trimming their nails but who would do that on the shitter? The room was busy so I couldn’t wait to see the perpetrator lest I look stranger than I already am but I tried to keep an eye on the door.

As luck would have it I got sidetracked and the culprit escaped detection. Once I had time I ventured back into the washroom where I found the stall unoccupied and took the above picture. (I know, who is creepier- the clipper or the dude taking the picture of the shrapnel…) You probably can’t tell but those are toe nails on the floor. My head is spinning.

No article of clothing should ever hit the floor of a public bathroom but this sick bastard took off his shoes and socks. Great gobs of vomit this must be an escaped mental patient. I have never had a toe trimming emergency but I have another day to hunt down this villian to demand an explanation.

I will lose some credibility as I show him the photographic evidence but some questions demand an answer. Sometimes this brain is a curse.

Lost for a minute

Holy H.R. Puffnstuff I was having trouble paying attention today. I’m not sure what was going on as I first noticed the problem four Diet Cokes deep. The training was new material so it should have grabbed me but I wasn’t doing any of it so the mind (okay my broken brain) tends to wander…

While sitting in the back of the room I began to think about world problems and it reminded me that a trip to India might be in my future. It seems that they are beating and torturing poor people for killing delicious cattle and this is something I cannot tolerate. I can stand a lot of atrocities but hurting folks for eating perfectly crafted god given food hits my limit and officially chaps my ass.

By the way of you are a vegetarian or vegan do what ever makes you happy. More for me. But once you hit me with a tone suggesting you are somehow better with your iron poor blood and calcium deficiency we can no longer be friends. You’ll never find me whining at you for the mindless slaughter of innocent plants. Greens are murder as well as a nice edible carpet for my food.

I have an easier time forgiving an alcoholic working the program. I normally don’t like quitters but I understand that things get out of control. Plus you guys are usually too wrapped up in your own stuff to piss all over me and mine. I’d like to meet the dude that gets all hopped up on bacon wrapped steak and beats his significant other. For a lot of reasons, not all what you think. Part of it is I’ve never had a steak that made me want to punch someone so we would need to eat some fightin’ meat together me and him.

Anyway, I wouldn’t cross the street for most causes but the harassment of innocent carnivores is a violation of basic human rights that I will not tolerate. Imagine the prime beef just wandering the streets over there waiting for a giant terrorist with a bib, knife, fork, salt and pepper. I’m not worried about fire as India is roughly three blocks from the sun and strewn with tinder. I’m drooling now so I gotta go.

Sup


As I stare down this slide from Hell I am reminded of the “thugs” I encountered earlier this evening. Here in St Paul which is clearly the second banana of these twin cities everything is just a little off. I was walking by the boostmobile in the picture carrying my recent score of effervescent caffeinated poison when a couple three scrawny gangster wannabes were blocking the sidewalk. To the right there where the concrete is narrow and a light post sits. Not on purpose or even in a menacing manner they were just positioned in a way that wouldn’t let folks get by. So I sauntered up to the traffic jam to figure out the holdup and to decide if I needed to jaywalk over to my hotel. A woman very politely said excuse me and was rewarded with something that was supposed to be a hard stare.

If there would have been a scale handy and big enough I could have set my pop down and stood on one side while the three of them huddled together on the other and I’m pretty sure I would be firmly on the ground. So I was considering just walking through the blockade when another bystander did just that. Next up, everyone else. The three amigos had momentary trouble regrouping as people paid them no mind. When I looked back they were obviously pissed but did nothing about it. This is when I realized that I had just experienced the hoodlum version of minor league play.

How sad it must be to walk the streets of a town where the Walgreens closes at 6:00pm. A bigger city with more going on after dark is within walking distance but you don’t have what it takes to elevate your thuggishness to the next level. The city you stalk can’t support a single chain retail store right in the Target store corporate backyard and you and your crew can’t even hold a tiny square of concrete. I took this picture after I noticed they were no longer there. I wanted to find them and ask what their gang was named. If they didn’t have one I had some suggestions.

Three Not So Polite Fellas

We Who Could Care Less

The What Are You Looking Ats

Not all great but I was looking to collaborate with the gang.

Contrarian

I am a contrarian by nature. If you want me to bristle at a suggestion start with the words “you have to” My mind shuts down and I immediately think no, I don’t have to do anything. While it is in my nature I realize I need to operate in a polite society so I mostly keep that to myself. Unless pressed. Like today when I impatiently waited for my slacker mailman to place my stuff in my hands he wanted to give me a lesson in Amazon ordering. He is as enthralling as dryer lint so I wont quote his drowsy dialect but the point of his instructions were to tell me to order a certain way from the company so he would not have to deliver so many packages.

And it all began with You HAVE to… When it became apparent that he wanted my agreement before he would hand over the bills and junkmail I had enough.

“Dude you work for something that I thought was going completely out of business before Amazon started shipping with you. I would look at these packages as job savers not asspain. If it sucks figure something else out to do. Don’t complain to me because your gig changed… I’d bet the telegraph people got shitty near the end as well.”

So I’m guessing that some of my correspondence are going to take quite a bit longer to reach me if they get here at all. I have been thinking about trying to go all paperless so now seems as good a time as any.

But back to the contrarian thing. I don’t wear it as a badge like some. This morning I had a call with someone who had been through some of my training. During certain exercises and at breaks I play music and my playlist could give you stylistic and generational whiplash. My taste is all over the road including some of today’s popular hits. I love catching crap for liking something that is currently “pop” from a person who has frozen their musical appreciation to one time period of their existence.

And when I gently remind them that the songs they admire were at one time popular you get really intelligent answers about musicianship and songwriting. My response is always something like

“oh, you mean Benny Goodman and His Orchestra Sing Sing Sing type music or are you talking older school than that? How far back in time are we going Grandpa? Tell me again about walking to school and eating butter sandwiches.”

It never really go on much after that as a rule and today was no exception. I love busting balls when the other person thinks they have secured firm high ground. The reason I bring this up and how these two weird trains of thought relate is the guy this morning started his reply with “You’ll have to agree…”

The fuck I do.

My name is Tom and I am a drunken kickstarter

Hi Tom. sorry, bad joke but it fits as I wrote the title first. Anyway, when I have a few too many I tend to back a lot of inventions. I am a huge fan of Kickstarter and I peruse the site quite a bit especially when I’m on the road. So last night I was sitting down minding my own business screwing around on this iPad while I waited for my not feeling well wife to get ready for bed. I had been drinking a bit and distinctly remember getting sucked in to a carry-on luggage thing that had bigger wheels and allowed you to over pack it and through a series of zippers compress your stuff down to a normal size. It might weigh a metric shit ton but it would fit in the overhead compartment.

Anyway I clearly remember shutting the browser down as I saw the price well above two hundred dollars. That was well out of my comfort zone and as anyone who plays this game will tell you Kickstarter can be a risk. So you can imagine my horror when I noticed a congratulatory email from that company. I panicked for a second until I read that I had backed some kind of glasses case that held other things. Not my best work but it should be useful enough and a tenth of what I thought I had spent.

The trouble with Kickstarter is the projected shipping date is rarely met. (well that and the fact that you can lose your cash altogether) This means you can sometimes order things that are inapplicable by the time they come out. I have had things ordered for phones that changed twice by the time they showed up. Other inventions get delayed so much the inventor gives you extra stuff and then has to change production because a company like Apple changes their charging system. I currently am the proud owner of five Thingchargers that don’t work with any of my outlets. (they will be heading to the lake house in a couple weeks) Anyway those showed up a year and a half late and I didn’t really care anymore.

I am embarrassed by some of the stupid shite I have backed but luckily my twenty dollar strike price means I never get burned too badly. The only high dollar one I took all the way to the checkout page was something called Kanoa earbuds. Luckily my work friend ordered them and he has been delayed so many times he is officially pissed. I am still interested because if they do half of the things they promise they will work just fine for me. My real life guinea pig will let me try them out for the price of one scotch. Much better than backing the things if they suck.

Someday I should list all of the stupid shit I have supported but that day is not today. I love that site because invention is one of the things I love most about humans. Putting something up on that site is on my bucket list. There is something else I should publish someday. my bucket list. That is a doozy.

 

 

Trim

To prove that I have other tastes in shrubbery than the au natural I submit the following evidence. Wait, that was a terrible setup. I should have started with the fact that my wife is a task stacker. As if she doesn’t have enough to do she finds other protects to start almost daily and today’s was tree trimming. The hoarder house next door and the shut ins behind us means we have two sides of overgrowth surrounding our yard. Add to that my lilacs gone wild and we are almost completely screened of from others. But sometimes the vegitation presses in and it drives my wife crazy(er). So today I came home to a branch strewn back yard.

As I was out angrily packing branches into those annoying paper lawn bags I noticed the deck lilac that had grown out of control. It looked something like this dramatic recreation


Normally I like a nice 70s bush but this one was out of hand. So tall as to alter the path of the lines hat ran through it which I convinced myself was a safety hazard. So Thomas scissor hands went to work and since topiaries freak me out we ended up with this


Someone’s not going to be touching power lines for a while…

By the way I want it noted that if this were the late 70s early 80s and had the internet been a thing that title would be click bait gold. No wonder I have so few viewers.

Glitch

Some kind of computer something didn’t allow yesterday’s post so appear on the internets and in the spirit of the post itself I did not care. I liked that video so much I purchased the guys app for two dollars as I believe in rewarding genus. I will be using it to fall asleep on the road next week. Anyhow, good stuff.

I was told on the phone today that I was difficult and while I completely agree I wanted to know more. This person said that I never take anything they say at face value. I always have questions. As I waited for the difficult part to be explained I was met with silence so I asked if my questions are what made me “difficult.” When she replied yes it was time to get more so.

I asked her if she was looking for someone to just agree with everything she said, someone who would not challenge her in any way, a glorified YES MAN, when it dawned where I was headed… “I just wish you would let some of the things I say go without comment or question.” I asked like what? and I wont bore you with the next half hour’s back and forth but it boiled down to the things she threw out as filler.

First I let her know that my business card should actually read NO MAN. I love the word no like few others in the English language. Two simple letters that form an eloquent declarative statement. I love no so much that I prepare to hear it in most of my conversations and am shocked when others act as if people will not actually hear the words they say. Part of my job is to be an active listener and a big part of listening is understanding. If I don’t get it, I will let you know.

But that isnt the point of this long and winding side road. The point was some people don’t want to have a real conversation anymore. They want to speak and they want you to listen but the only feedback they require is one that completely supports their position. I am the wrong player for that game. time to meditate on this subject.

 

NOkemon

I am not shitting on the current Pokemon Go craze in fact I think its great that people are getting outside and searching for the damn things. I also like the fact that the herd is getting thinned out by predators taking advantage of simpletons walking into dangerous situations looking for imaginary ball dwelling cartoon fighting monsters. My problem comes from the kids milling about outside of my house during the day.

I think the park and school across the street is a gathering place for the creatures and by creatures I mean other people’s kids. So the amount of foot traffic is distracting. This prompted me to search the Chinese internet for a giant Pokemon costume that I could wear whilst sitting in the front yard. This would also act as new neighbor repellent which would be an added bonus. I am also working on a plan to corner the garage sale market on Croquet balls. I will paint them up like the poke capture devices and any time a kid aims his or her phone at me in an attempted capture I will whip a real life version of the ball back at them.

Jail would seem like a nice little break and if I work the costume right (meaning wear nothing underneath it) my booking photo will dominate the internet.