North Korea Rules!

Few things worse than your last call on a Friday asking for “twenty minutes or so.” No real idea when this is going to happen so I figured I’d kill some time. I have a news item from the week that is stuck in my head and I’ve been meaning to mention it. North Korea’s version of the internet which just means all the people are allowed to see consists of 28 total sites. Holy H.R. Puff-n-Stuff that place is interesting. No wonder Supreme Glorious Leader or whatever the latest Kim Jong calls himself keeps his people so poor. If they ever had more than a days worth of food on hand some of them might start to do some dangerous thinking. Man that entire situation is entertaining… from way over here… safe and sound in the country I was lucky enough to be born in… warts and all.

I am shamelessly attempting to become the 29th allowed site with the title of this post. Probably only a few thousand total computers with internet in the whole country and maybe a thousand more capable phones but you could safely bet that they would hang on every single word I wrote every single day. I might even take on advertisers at that point. Maybe the CIA would like to try some subliminal stuff? I’m just spit-balling here but the possibilities boggle the mind.

And now that I’ve tickled the interest of our own internet overlords I just want to say what a fine system we currently have. I can’t get too patriotic here as I am still trying to secure the whole 29th site thing but ouyay etgay ymay iftdray.

 

Thanks doc

I think the wheels might have come off of medical research. I just watched a Kybella commercial which is some kind of shots for under chin fat. As if this were a problem so severe that people will line up to take the round out of their faces. Did I sleep through the day we cured every cancer and all other terrible disease? 

I completely get boner pills. Old dudes who can’t get it up statistically have more money than the young with adequate blood flow to their junk. There is still a part of me that thinks hard-on tabs were stumbled upon in the midst of looking for something of higher importance like male pattern baldness. They were surveying the test group and while they weren’t growing more hair they complained about near constant kickstands.

Back to the chin fat thing I will be on the lookout for thinner looking acquaintances with uneven smiles. That warning made me laugh. ‘Wow, have you lost weight? And was it a result of your massive stroke?” So good, and I think I heard trouble swallowing as well. 

I haven’t looked forward to a treatment so much since folks began freezing their faces with Botulism. I’ve only come across one real live person wearing a rubber mask of their own face but it was everything I dreamed it would be. I kept trying to say extremes and raising my own eyebrows to trigger the subconsious human response of mirroring. Man I am easily entertained.

 

facial developmments

As a full 40% of my household is currently enrolled in grad school it gets a bit bumpy around here on assignment nights. That’s where smart people find somewhere to hide and read. I did so much of that last night that my eyes hurt so like an idiot I decided to look at the face book for a while before attempting sleep. I was rewarded for my efforts… Some of my “friends” have lost their minds.

There are a dozen or so that have gone well past drawing lines in the sand to digging full on WWI battle trenches on either side of the current political situation. Like ALL CAPS YELLING at one another. And the shots back and forth are neither mean nor funny which equals zero entertainment value for yours truly. I even went as far as sending a direct message to a guy I went to college with asking if he really cared that much. I didn’t get a response yet probably because I ended it with “if you are kidding you are a genus and I am a huge fan! If not, sorry. go your side.”

A new feature now groups the sharers into the same window preventing multiple versions of the same wisdom pearl from being dropped all over the post-o-sphere. Now when I ignore something that someone else made it lists all of the people who thought it was great helping me accurately assess taste levels. These are mostly my handguns rule peeps. They like videos of shooting and people talking about guns. They also lean toward the conspiratorial so I make special mental notes on them. I just like to know who I should be messing with in real life if at all possible.

The ads are horrible and I think there might even be more of them but I did steal a meme thing

perfect

If you are the creator of this I apologize and I would love to give you credit but I can’t figure out who you are. The person who shared it on Facebook is a complete dope so I know that is a dead end but if you have stumbled on this site while searching for copies of your work just send me an email because credit is due. The picture is okay but your words made me very happy.

I lost the point of this but I do remember getting frustrated after fifteen minutes of searching. I only found one posting that let me look around the home of an old friend. I did have one idea that sparked this whole thing. I want to have a party where Facebook is projected on the wall all night and people try to tell the real story behind random posts. I’m still fleshing this out (I just looked that up as it seemed wrong after I typed it. weird.) but I’m thinking about votes for best story and somehow making it a drinking game. This one goes on the under development list.

 

time

I would like to propose a click bait penalty to the ruling gods of the interwebs. The practice of sensationalizing everything has gone beyond funny – right past cute – slamming into annoying. From what I can tell it’s everywhere. I watch a lot of YouTube and even some of the best content producers have started looking for the most provocative thumbnail picture and controversial title in order to secure more eyeballs which means more dollars. I’m just looking for some checks and balances. Maybe a voting system where a large number of clicks on the [COMPLETE BULLSHIT] button would cause annoying things to happen to your account? It would have to be setup by folks much smarter than I but removing the money earned from the nonsense seems like it would curb the behavior significantly. This would also remove the pressure from otherwise great content providers to come up with the most click-worthy title and or picture. I’m just sayin…

I realize that they are not the first nor will they be the last to practice this garbage. I think as soon as man began selling stuff back and forth hyperbole was born. Newspapers took things to a new level and it has been rolling down a hill ever since. Network news is the worst and that’s probably why I have such a hard time watching it. (unless it’s in a small market then it counts as pure entertainment. don’t judge me.) The promos and teasers promise so much and deliver nothing of substance. Even when they are on the scene of something important they are just hunting the crowd for the biggest idiot to get on camera. It’s like every channel is looking for the next Sweet Brown. If you don’t remember here she is…

By the way getting up for a cold pop is my personal favorite part of this report but the fact I know about it proves the point. Chicago’s murder rate is ridiculous and don’t just take my word for it head over to one of my favorite sites http://heyjackass.com. This should be national news every day but when it gets mentioned its quick and followed by nonsense. Maybe the same voting system could shock the news anchors on camera? I got me some time for ideas.

 

Unintentional Political Dustup of sorts

When I am not on the road I work from home and for the most part it is a peaceful and productive environment. Since we built out the old single car garage on the front to serve as my office things have been great except when some idiot rings the doorbell and the dogs loose their collective minds. I tried disconnecting the thing but some of these simpletons knock if they don’t hear the chimes which makes things much worse. As Nemo nears the end, his hearing and eyesight are failing but he does know when someone opens the storm door to bang on the front one he guards slash sleeps against during the day. Barking doesn’t really bother me except when I am interacting with someone on the phone. The point of all that is I go out of my way to minimize this by cutting off potential ringers whenever possible. The mailman, the regular UPS dude, and the crazy Amazon delivery chick, all know to set the packages down and go about their business as I am watching from my office. Even when I’m not that’s just good for them to think.

So today as I watched an adult bicyclist wearing a helmet stop in my driveway and my curiosity was naturally peaked. Few of my friends ride bikes and none of them require helmets to protect them from the mean sidewalks of our subdivision. I was finishing up a call but I noticed he was carrying some pamphlets so I figured there was no reason to cut him off. He would stick them into the mailbox by the driveway and be gone. As the call ended I turned my back and the chime apeshit dogs sequence ignited behind me. I ran to the door and stepped outside.

me: “Why did you have to ring the doorbell?”

bike helmet wearing adult stranger: “To let you know I put the flyers in your door”

me: “In case I missed the oversized garbage floating to the ground when I try to leave my home?”

bike helmet wearing adult stranger: “No, I ring all of the door bells.”

me: “Well cut it out. You don’t even stay to talk if someone answers. Are you trying to get me to vote for these people with this tactic?”

bike helmet wearing adult stranger: “Yes, ***edited out political script with names and other bullshit that took too long but I let it play all the way out to see if there was an I’m sorry in there anywhere. There was none.***”

me: “It didn’t work. In fact I’m going to save both of these and make sure I don’t vote for them on election day. I care so little this year that you have given me purpose. I want to make sure that you riding around all day sticking garbage in peoples doors followed by a discourteous bell ring is for naught. So I will be walking around removing these things wherever I see them.”

bike helmet wearing adult stranger: “That’s illegal!”

me: “I don’t see how me warning my neighbors about a potential security threat is illegal. I think you ring the bell to see if anyone is home during the day so you can come back on a later date with another satchel of flyers to rob their homes.”

bike helmet wearing adult stranger: “You’d better not!”

me: “I would like to see you stop me.”

He was visibly shaken as he road away only to stop at the next house down with me still staring right at him but I was pissed and at no time did he show remorse for freaking out my dying dog. The helmet he was wearing included no face protection and that’s what he really needed this afternoon. A simple apology would have dropped the threat levels back into the safe zone. Instead I walked to the end of my driveway and then over to the hoarder house where I removed the stuff just in case he peddled back by to check.

 

 

next door

Well my narc neighbor should be happy as he ground the progress on the hoarder house to a screeching halt. I am not so thrilled but my house was also not overrun by a plague of rodents. The Village (I know it’s stupid but I’ve explained it before, that’s what my town is officially called, deal with it) has stopped all work until proper permits are processed. This means that they need drawings and other various ass pains before they can get back to improving. That didn’t stop the General Contractor from being summoned to the site by the flipper and her daughter. Poor dude had to work half a Saturday in the backyard with the two of them. I pulled up a chair and watched for a while. It was good stuff.

An hour was spent shoveling off and defining the back patio slab. No idea why but apparently it had to be done. I’ll show you a picture in a minute but roughly fifteen man hours resulted in approximately zero progress. The daughter was a complete non factor. She needed help rolling the incorrectly filled recycle bin. This is good news for me as I am the garbage guys number one enemy on this block. A new troublemaker will take some heat off of yours truly.

img_0719

  1. I had no idea there were security lights or illumination of any kind back there in the thirteen years we have lived next door.
  2. I do love me the old school premium clothesline built in to the house. We had a matching one on ours until I took a pry-bar to it.
  3. That lovely above ground Frankenstein assembly of pipe is the sump pump eject which I have never heard and or scene before this point.
  4. I’m sure the neighbor two doors down is happy I can see the once secluded side of her house. Barbecue with your head on a swivel neighbor as my own grill faces your direction.

Like I said, the slowdown isn’t thrilling me because this is my new view reality. Hopefully they get through the red tape and back to work. I’d like to see what they are planning on doing to trick someone into buying that house.

 

the more things change

img_0716

Its hard to watch a child struggle at anything. This is a basic truth of parenting. I also completely understand that what I was watching is a game. Nothing more in the grand scheme of things. But the early mornings, late nights, and hard work make it more to the people on the field competing as well as their fans in the stands. This was an old fashioned ass kicking and by my son’s own admission his worst game ever. Because I am a glutton for, well, pretty much anything I like even a little bit, I re-watched the game when I got home. Upon further review he alone didn’t shit the bed, it was a collective shat.

The team just experienced a major change in leadership. New head coach, new offensive coordinator, new attitude. They feel more like a team even from my considerable distance. And before I head down this road I am not one of those parents. I will bitch to my friends in the heat of frustration but never to the kids or the coaches. I know all to well that the staff in the stands is the worst part of coaching so I never want to add to that pile. Anyway, my complaint is after all that change things look remarkably the same. Same adherence to a pregame plan long after it has been proven noneffective. Maybe I did it wrong all those years of pee wee football but it seems to me like mixing things up couldn’t hurt. I think anyone who has watched film of our team has seen the four or five plays we run and get more than ready for it. Or at least last nights opponents seemed to have our number and I’m not really sure what that phrase means.

Thanks for letting me get that out as I will no longer be bitching in the stands. (I’ll wait while you finish laughing) My complaints serve no purpose other than to elevate my own blood pressure. In related news people around me were getting bit like crazy but I was fine. I think the mosquitoes could sense that tapping into my system during the game would result in disaster. For all I know one of them tested it out and burst before he could realize what was happening.

The sky was putting on quite a show last night even from my phone camera.

 

like a top

I am spinning today for no real discernible (crap, that doesn’t seem like I spelled it right but there is no red squiggle underneath so I am going with it.) reason. There is just a strange feeling about and I can’t put my finger on it. Could be the weather is a little wonky and has moved up the football Friday night start time by an hour and a half or it could be that every other human I interact with today has some kind of deficiency. By deficiency I mean either attitudinal or mental. I spoke to a representative from my internet service provider and asked to be transferred to someone capable of interacting with another human being not just a script reader.

She wasn’t happy about my request but after three attempts at changing my now set in stone mind I was connected with a lovely young man who not only listened to but completely understood every word I said. He and I came to an agreement in less time than it took my first person to read through her up-sell scripts. Like I said earlier I am on an every other person roller coaster.

In keeping with this pattern I will be seeking out a shitty interaction before this evenings sporting event to increase the odds of a favorable outcome. (if it seems like I am burping up a thesaurus today I have just started reading a book that is a couple levels above my current recommended comprehension level so please bear with me) I will start the required dust-up with the ticket taker if necessary because this is an away game and that lowers my risk of running in to them elsewhere.

This was all just me dodging the real reason I am out of sorts. Nemo, the oldest pet in the herd, is experiencing his last days and it makes me sad. I am not a fan of pets in general for a large number of reasons the biggest of which is they eventually die. His back legs aren’t working all the time and he cries sometimes for no visible reason. He is still eating and has bursts of his old self but the countdown clock is speeding up and I worry about the shock-wave its going to send through the family. I need to shake this shit off right now becasue writing about it didn’t help and I have a call in two minutes.

 

Tvish

The television experiment is still new but so far so good. There are some things I miss like a DVR and ESPN  but for the most part I’m all good. Once the weather finally hits I might be singing a different tune but right now it doesn’t feel like giving anything up and I have yet to start binge watching on the Netflix or the Amazons (both of which I paid for in addition to satellite before this whole change because, college.)  so I’ve got that going for me this winter.

The only one with even a little trouble is the wife as she is losing her constant Law and Order background soundtrack. It is my contention that every time you watch one of those you bruise a little piece of your soul. There is a station that broadcasts over the air nonstop crime shows but luckily it is an affiliate of the weakest signaled station in Chicago so reception is spotty at best. She hates when any technology doesn’t work perfectly  so intermittent signal quality cannot be allowed to stand.

The girls both wanted to watch American Horror Story so I picked up a season pass on the iTunes and now they can watch at will on whatever tiny screen they choose. Since my obsessive compulsive Speedway patronage yields piles of points I turn them in to Apple pretend money and buy digital nonsense for me and my family. I even turned in some hotel awards for iMoney as I now officially hate all travel reward programs.

Anyway I started to write this as a way to explain my two season television show theory but since most of you are my real life friends you have heard it so no need to bore anymore. To sum up for those not in the know I feel like most writers have a solid two seasons planned for any show then year three it begins to go sideways. This has proven itself over time with few exceptions statistically speaking.