First things first I am going to stop apologizing for missing posts. I am not being paid for this crap and it is supposed to be something I like doing so if I miss a day or two, tough. That was more for me the writer than you the consumer. That calendar or the right side for those of you reading in a browser is my Tell-Tale Heart. Always thumping in the back of my head, guilt manifest in sound. Enough. I will post when I post. Those guilty feelings are what put this thing in danger. I have too much spinning out of control in my life right now and if this turned into another pain in my ass it would have to go. This paragraph is me playing defense.

Yesterday. Have you ever had one of those days where every bit of communication that came your way sucked? That was my Tuesday. I will not bore you with the details partially because I don’t want to watch a rerun in my brain but mostly due to the fact that they are in fact boring. I will instead give you a recap of the people or things I communicated with:

  • Insurance Agent
  • Insurance Company
  • Police
  • Bank
  • Credit Card Company
  • Airline
  • Printer Manufacturer
  • Landscapers
  • Passport Administration
  • Post Office
  • Contractor
  • The City building department
  • Internet Provider

Its kind of like a list of clues for you to figure out what happened. Don’t try. Whatever you are thinking double it then multiply by bird shit in your eye and you will be in the neighborhood. When my phone finally died after being stuck in two hours of traffic while heading to my middle child’s birthday dinner I couldn’t care less. In fact I didn’t bother charging the thing until this morning. It was freeing.

Today is a new day and I have made the choice to have a better one. I am limiting myself to a single bad interaction and I used that up with my insurance company followup call. Minor fender bender in the household that happened on private property reported almost three weeks later but the person who allegedly witnessed the bump. My child did the right thing by providing everything the calling officer requested but she questioned the accident. Our insurer made the mistake of talking down to me on the phone this morning.

“Look, NAME REDACTED, I’m sure you have an extremely high level position at COMPANY ALSO REDACTED but there is no reason for you to treat me like an idiot. I have paid you tens of thousands of dollars over the years to protect my family and you are not listening. I just want your company to do its job and make sure this is legit. don’t interrupt me again… I am sure that a big shot like yourself has more important things to do than worry about a few thousand of the company dollars and my rates going up but you are in real danger of creating a much larger claim involving yourself”

When asked on the recorded line what I meant by that I told him to use his vast investigatory knowledge to figure it out.

And so I have most likely ended up on yet another company’s watch list. I wonder if there will come a day when I can look up all of the confidential inner office memos about me and compile them into a book. A man can dream.




8 down and none to go

My 7th and 8th landscaper have blown me off and I officially think its me. Unfortunately number eight got both barrels in my don’t bother coming by message. I might have mentioned actively campaigning against his company in this neighborhood not because they do bad work but due to the fact that their owner isn’t man enough to live up to his promises. I even asked if it was worse to just tell me the truth and say he was too busy or to have me wanting to exact three hours of revenge on his business.

I left him with a challenge to call me back if he could sack up enough to explain why his time was more valuable than my own. I even mentioned that he might want to poison my entire front yard as I have nothing better to do than salt the earth under his online reputation.

The beauty of that if he follows through is once everything gets good and brown the brush fire will most likely consume the house and it will be time to begin again from scratch. The thought of incinerating all of the material detritus from my life gives me such a feeling of peace that I can’t explain it properly. And while I realize that it would be the most enormous hemorrhoid I would ever have to deal with the ends would justify the asspain means.

The dreams of a trapped man are strange indeed.


Great chunks of crap on a cracker I am getting some government runaround. I thought the good people at the Infernal Revenue Service were trouble but the folks that issue passports make them look downright industrious. Could be partially due to the fact that my local passport office is also my post office and the same folks what deliver my junk mail also handle my official world identification but what do I know.

I’ll tell you what I know. A month and a week ago I made an appointment to replace my missing passport. When I showed up I assumed I would be in an office having my sensitive details poured over by someone from the Secretary of State or at the very least a federal badge holder of some kind. So I called the number I used to make the appointment and they confirmed my appointment and told me to go wait in the line of package mailers and one of the clerks would take care of me.

Twenty minutes later it was my turn only to be denied as just one of the workers today knew how to deal with my problem. Another half hour later I was denied the application because my birth certificate is “just a notarized copy” We went back and forth for a couple minutes but no one out-dodges work like a postal employee. She didn’t even bite when I attempted to renounce my citizenship and demanded all of the tax money I had wasted over the years.

“Sorry sir, notarized copies are no longer accepted proof of citizenship.” Holy horseshit I need to have a true official on velum with a seal certificate of live birth. or my previous passport

My next appointment is in another month and I’m sure there will be another reason why things wont move forward at that point. This is how they are going to get me to agree to my implant. My only current condition is that it be placed above the center knuckle on my middle finger. Much like the flag of the sovereign nation I am currently forming. here is my ID…



yesterday’s post was a buzz kill and I promise less of the same going forward. The page I mentioned at the end was created during some digital spring cleaning. I have no idea what got transferred over to this site from the past and if I tried to read this entire mess I would lock up in a full body douche chill. Can’t stand to read my old stuff. So when I came across another cluster of pictures that made me laugh I decided to put some up.


Walking by a shop in New Orleans and someone you’re with asks who in the hell would ever wear a hat like that. The proper reply is “if you pay for it I will wear it the rest of the night.” It hangs in my office to this day.


I wish I knew how to Photoshop like this. I was winning a war of words with a coworker until this shot was fired. Clean kill.


I waste a ton of time on something that is seemingly in my control. Money or a lack there of… This is all consuming for me but this post is not about whining. Over this last trip I came to the obvious conclusion  that we live in the wrong area for what I make. In most parts of the country the money I earn would be considered a good living. Here my salary is below average and with the money flowing out things have become bumpy. Again, not complaining, these are the facts.

Two nights this week on the road I tried to come up with ways to save at home and sadly none of them will have any significant impact. So I am trying to increase my travel which will bring in more cash but by no means life altering amounts. In fact three out of four weeks on the road this month will bring us to break even. There are a ton of factors involved and nothing is going to happen for at least two years as I owe my youngest the ability to finish High School where he started but I am a man reaching a point.

This is why those damn tiny houses are so appealing to me. I swoon over the prospect of almost no financial worries. Shit, at this point I would settle for just spending less than I make. Again, this is a ME thing and meant to explain that when I am on the road and not writing its usually because I am trying to work some stuff out. This is also the reason I am writing on a Friday night. I think I get one total visitor on this day of the week so if that is you, Hey, sorry about this.

In other news I was looking for an old file and came across some pictorial (that doesn’t seem right for some reason) gifts from friends so I made a new page. If you are on the regular internet it is linked at the top but if you are looking at a mobile browser I think you have to click on the menu. I do so love a walk down memory lane.

That is a screenshot from my watch. I have no idea how to take one but there were a couple dozen waiting for me on my phone. I looked this up and it involves mashing multiple buttons I didn’t know existed. Apparently my recent bout with fitful sleep is working my technology. I have no idea why I would ever want a screenshot of my watch but it is a thing.

While we are talking about the toy on my wrist the apps and their arrangement are the most useless thing to me. My mutant fingers always push at least two and somethings up to four of the damn things and they have to be arranged in a connected cluster that reminds me of every airport bathroom sink drain.

Just happened to be ten steps from one so I thought I should illustrate. And speaking of airports Boise has been my best experience ever. Rental car drop off to gate total elapsed time including checking a bag and regular security was 21 minutes. I know this because the Hertz guy told me that is was 7:00 on the dot and when I checked again at the gate.. okay you get it.

I tried posting earlier in the week but this trip has been a doozy. Mostly because the group is great people so I trained all day (9 hours of being “on”) followed by 3-4 hours of dinner and beer. Last night I fell asleep fully clothed.

I do so love this job. No I need to figure out how to slow the spin at home. (I immediately regret typing that sentence) I’m stopping now due to the staggering amount of personal heavy lifting required to broach that subject. (Weak ending I know and I might have just said I need to jewelry a topic)

drowning in responses

3 emails about yesterdays post equals a full twenty percent of my readership so I feel the need to reply. First I love that you would rather send an email to me than actual comments on the post. Perfect, as I am absolutely miserable at interacting with comments. I still enjoy them but I am horrible none the less. Second you should know that when I am thumb typing from my phone I rarely look up at the content. The keys being so small and my thumbs being, well, my thumbs. I need to concentrate just to type as poorly as I do… Turns out this makes for some puzzling posting.

That being said “couple bot so secret missions” was auto-corrected and probably miss-typed. bot so is supposed to be of top and the missions aren’t really top secret that just sounded good at the time. I am still playing with snap chat and love watching the things I follow but there is still a lot that I don’t like. (or understand how to or why you wouldn’t want to or some other thing because I am not the target demographic) I am not really active either as it was initially signed up for with my real name to watch a story for work. If I’m going to film stories that I find funny like disaster bathrooms or people watching I need a separate stupidtom account. hold please… created.

Now I just need to get better at my incognito video taking abilities and learn how to make a stupid story. (story is what the kids over at snap-chat call a video that doesn’t disappear after the clock runs out. Shit I am old) Anyway I am hitting the road again this afternoon so I need to close up shop but I also need to answer the final asked question. The name of the book is Whiskey Bottles and Brand-New Cars by Mark Ribowsky if you were a fan you will enjoy the book. Like a lot of bands some of the mythology is just that but other parts are too true.

Quickly random

I was going to write a sorry about the lack of posts post but screw that. This crap is for me and you all are just along for the ride. When I’m on the road this much the couple days at home go by in a blur. I am also on a couple bot so secret missions. I have been screwing around with a couple of the video posting services. I need something like that for work but I also want something for here. I have this idea about random cuts drinking with my friends. They are all funny and once we get rolling down a hill good stuff. 

A couple potential trouble spots; I haven’t seen my friends in a while due to the afore mentioned schedule and it’s hard to know when the gold will show up. I have some ideas on how this could work but they are too early to talk about here.

There is also an assload of work to be done around the castle and I have been blown off by three landscapers and counting. I have some tree detritus that needs to go along with some other backbreaking tasks that I am not up to doing myself.

I am also being held hostage by a Lynard Skynyrd book as I am having trouble putting it down. I am a sucker for a book that explains the music what made up my early soundtrack. 


First, to my friends at home I stayed up all night watching that shitshow on the edge of my metaphorical seat only to have it end in tragic sudden death. Then I couldn’t sleep due to severe loss induced anger. I know I know, shut up asshat it’s just one loss. And so ends my Blackhawk playoff loss rant. I realize that few who read this care about my personal relationship with sports but I am in the heart of rival country right now and I took crap all day. Not that I don’t deserve it and I am more than capable of defending myself but I hate wasting good material when I don’t really want to use it. 

Secondly I am having trouble locating my big and tall weather man. I love small market news and this place has some of the best. Like the morning shows that make their weather people wear down jackets in studio when it’s cold outside. There used to be a portly gentleman that I really enjoyed but I clicked all around this morning and he was nowhere to be found. This is upsetting as I wanted him to be one of my celebrity Big & Tall representatives while we strive to become a protected class in this country. They have declared enormity a disease you skeptical sizeist. 


Trying to watch the Blackhawk game in my hotel room as to avoid a sports bar alone situation. Not that solo in a bar isn’t my jam but I need to get up and talk in front of people tomorrow. Worse yet I close the day so fighting off a bumpy evening is not the path to professionalism. But this bitter and jealous town is showing the other game. Luckily I have found the channel that will show it once this other local nonsense ends.

I am tired and cranky after a full day of people. The company I work for is all about self improvement. A number of folks have lost a ton of weight. In point of fact I too have dropped some pounds only to pick them up again as I really enjoyed a rough year.

But my point is that a couple of my coworkers have taken things a bit too far. In fact they both look ill. I don’t discuss issues of weight in fact I have been incubating an idea to make people feel good about adding bulk. Still a rough concept about looking abundant and how Gravity is an asshole that must be punished. But I digress.

I knew I was getting cranky when one of the thin mentioned that his wife might be a chubby chaser because she hates the way he looks and has forbidden him any more lost weight. As this was a not so subtle fishing expedition looking for ” Nooooooo, you look great…’ I chimed in with something a bit different.

“Maybe she doesn’t want to be seen walking around with a mesothelioma patient?”

The silence let me know it was time to go. And the game is on my tv. Good night.



Today began waking up to this. Wait, crap. I put the stupid picture in already.The Mississippi River fascinates me. I am constantly amazed by the amount of freight that still moves up and down the dam thing. I don’t know why other than some idiotic notion that river commerce somehow died during the time of Tom Sawyer. The site doesn’t say smarttom for a reason.

Anyhow, I over engulfed (attempting to thumbtype overindulged but I kind of like the autocorrect better) at dinner this evening and am currently paying the price for that behavior. Lying in this room with a belly full of live snakes really brings home the glamour of life on the road. Oh well, back to my reading as this did little to take my mind off of my condition.

Intestinal distress has rendered me oddly verbose. I have the sinking feeling that I’m going to wake up in a somehow more horrific recreation of the Godfather horse head scene. I will be screaming NO as I figure out a compelling reason why the drunk conventioneers from next door would breat in and commit such an atrocity. Some people…


I’m on the road again but I had some time to kill so I wandered over to the BookFace and it turns out that I missed yet another made up holiday. Siblings Day is just some more nonsense that I can’t keep track of but lucky for me my brother hates everything online. If there was a service that would completely wipe your existence from the interweb he would sign up tomorrow. In fact that picture I posted of him in his orange child abuse suite set off his redaction reaction.

I write this not because I am upset about not participating but as I ponder what nonsense the internet will come up with next. Side-Selfie Day, Best-Breakfast Day, Past Pet Thursday, Resting-Bitch-Face Friday, it boggles the mind. I do enjoy “friends” that take it way too seriously. They post and tag their brothers and sisters almost taunting them to reciprocate. I would appreciate it more if the word was retaliate. Old pictures should be about the humiliation. Wait, Humiliation Mondays.

Facebook if you’re listening I’ve got a million ideas just call me. You creepy assholes have a complete profile on my entire existence so just call my cell phone when I’m not at work. Again, don’t act like you don’t know.