I am in the midst of being hornschwaggled, bamboozled, flimm-flammed, and what makes matters worse is that I misspelled all of those fake words. The scam being perpetrated on me at this very moment involves my wife and 2 of the 3 voting children heading down “just to look” at this…
So, even though I have said no, this isn’t the right time, we aren’t ready for a puppy in the house, we have already surpassed our animals per square foot safety rating, and a bunch of other bullshit designed to keep a new ball of fur from ending up under foot this trip is still happening.
This brings me to an interesting crossroad in my life. I have publicly stated that one more animal will push me out the door so I have some decisions to make. Do I start looking for an apartment right away? Or do I begin my internet search for a used Airstream to make my permanent home? Its quite a conundrum. If a medium sized bag of money fell on me I’d head over to http://www.hofarc.com/ and start designing my dream. This guy gets me and I would love nothing more than spending time in one of his awesome baked potatoes. Viable option number 3 is to just ramp up the business travel which would have the added benefit of providing more money for the apparently growing herd. I have got to get out of my own head right now.
I need to get back to this open-faced shit sandwich Saturday as there is much work to be done.
Travel rewards programs blow a rhinoceros but you have to play the game. So last night I needed to grab a stay because I’m 5 away from Gold with the Marriott corporation. I landed at the cheapest one I could find which meant no on premises food but the front desk suggested I take a two minute shuttle ride.
This ridiculous bastion of capitalism known as the Mall of America. I’d been here before but never with so much time to kill. I’m not a big shopper so I just wandered around looking for something to eat. I ended up with an ok sandwich somewhere near the log ride.
I couldn’t help but marvel at the building as a whole. I would like to walk around with a couple of friends each wearing tinted cones of silence with radios so we could people watch and talk shit. There was something creepy about being in a place that big alone. I didn’t like it.
I flew home yesterday only to get stuck in traffic within walking distance to the house. No lights or sirens just a clogged exit that seemed to start when I couldn’t get out. When I got close to the turn I found out why.
My day didn’t seem so bad after all. I spent my one full day home this stretch mowing the new sod out back. It was up to the dogs belly so a trim was in order. And as I’ve gone backyard mental patient I spent 4 hours getting that chore and a few others done. I know you will have a hard time seeing this but my neighbor has decided to go all dandelion all the time in his front yard.
I am too tired to sleep and its infuriating. Last night there was an awesome hail rain lightning thunderstorm that kept me up two extra hours. I was dragging ass and puckered tight as we rolled out the first day of a new training. I’m writing this because I completely screwed up two sections and right in the middle shifted into torrential flop sweats.
It would have been funny were it not happening to me. To add a cherry to this shit sundae the President of the company was there to watch the new class. In the brilliant words of an old hillbilly colleague “fuck me runnin”
Then we had the big group dinner tonight and all I wanted to do was crawl under the table and sleep. Two more long ass days….
I think I’ve written before about my love of lists. I despised them as a kid because my mom was a championship level to-do list publisher. In fact my first fantasy football team was named the ToDoLists in honor of that tradition. Anyway, at some point I turned the corner and now I crank out some of the most ridiculous lists ever created. I decided to write this as I looked at the 3 lists I was working on.
Number one was my internal debrief of Saturday’s party. That list included next year sending out real invitations and asking for RSVPs because I think I lost 6 or 7 couples due to my one shot email only don’t bother replying invitation. I had some other things like food notes and beer quantity plus possible guest list tweaks due to overall personality mix but all in all good party.
The second is a list is the pile of personal stuff I need to get done before this next road-trip. 2 weeks and home for a day and a half in the middle, it won’t be such a nut punch if I get all this crap completed.
And finally I have the list of work things that is making me a little sick. I co-teach a class where a big room full of people pay over a grand each to hear what we’ve got to say. I was in a pretty good rhythm with my part but we just improved the whole thing. Which means that I will be in a three day state of discomfort. Nothing quite like the feeling that if you accidentally sat on some coal you could easily create a diamond. Good times.
A random list of notes taken down at party or recorded:
I was buying a couple beers for the party and ran in to a pack of hipsters and their dates. I normally don’t mind these folks because their trendy and spendy habits have brought back a lot of fine old American beers like the Schlitz in the picture Hamms PBR etc. This particular group was perusing the craft brew isle and loudly discussing the different types. Again I have nothing against people who like to drink that stuff but it can be a bit complex for my Diet Coors palate.
So one of them seeing me struggle past with my conestoga wagonload of regular beer asked me for my opinion. Now I get it, on a date, alpha male and all, so I said something pithy about that stuff containing too much flavor for me. Tee hee and I was on my way except young and hip wasn’t satisfied. I have to be honest I didn’t really hear what he said but when I turned around it was very apparent that it was a shot. So I fired back blind.
“I would love to reanimate your dead great grandfather so he could see the weakling fancy beer snob that sprung from his loins. I’m guessing punches would be thrown and you’d be sobbing about not hitting your face.”
I waited a couple beats for a response and getting none I wished them a good night. I would love to know how he played that off when I was gone…
This monkey should have just won the race and shut up. Instead, this happened…
Those fellas are getting awfully close to a pissed off forced to ride a bike monkey eating bear. HAHAHA the circus. Good times.