Drivr

UpgradeThis terrible blurry picture is brought to you buy my complete inability to drive and do anything else. I went to rent my car last night for the trip this week and piss poor planning by Hertz meant that I get to drive a Charger for the price of a tiny econobox. It’s not the race car version I once landed in New Jersey but one step down is fine by me. Plus that race car actually scared me where this thing is more than reasonable to drive. Things got dicey when someone wasn’t paying attention to Wisconsin’s random lane closures and we all came to a grinding halt while we navigated the wreckage. Things were new enough that I was hoping for a little road rage side show which would have necessitated a helpful pullover slash video shoot. Fortunately or Un everyone was okay and level heads prevailed.

This is the time of year when they clean up all of the critter carcasses and repair all of the winter guard rail damage. I took that picture as I was trying to get a shot of some obliterated sand barrels intertwined with a twisted steel sculpture that sure stopped something. Whatever tried to plow into that bridge abutment was impressive in both size and speed. That little display is why I fly when the winter gets brutal. Anyway I had to scramble ass here to meet some people and take a few scheduled calls which doesn’t mean crap to anyone but me but I had a great day and a better night. I do so love the people I work with. And now back to my regularly scheduled first night jitters and little sleep.

Springbroke

boy cat

This travel schedule has me spinning just a bit and I only realized today that most of my family is on Spring Break this week. Financial circumstances beyond control have locked down vacation travel but all are making the best of a less than optimal situation. As the only one working in the house, tomorrow should be interesting but I leave again the next day so all will be normal for me. Anyway, I found a filter on one of the programs I was cleaning off of my phone that turned people into Max Headroom so I decided to try it out on the boy and his cat playing video games. I am here for nothing if not to annoy.

And speaking of annoying in an unintentional but brilliant segue I just finished watching a 60 Minutes story on fake news and it confirmed and amplified my worst thinking. ANYONE can write ANYTHING and get it promoted to a top story on whichever social media you please. The worse the title and or the premise of the article the better. I am not going to retell their show but I highly recommend it if you can watch. It got me thinking which is always dangerous and not about writing stories of radioactive anal fissures being caused by eating vegetables of any kind but my thoughts wandered to Facebook. I have an idea for them that they can steal for free and I hope that by mentioning their name at the end of the last sentence spelled the way they like it will draw the attention of their internet spiders.

The idea is that they come up with a button that will allow me to filter out everything but a post from a person. Maybe take it a step further and let me pay a small fee to block all ads and annoying re-posts while you are at it. I just want to keep tabs on the people I stalk not see what sixty second slow cooker recipe they think they HAVE TO TRY! YUM. Or worse yet their posting and commenting on something completely made up and adding something brilliant to the top of it like “I told you so…” Enough already. I want to see pictures of you and your family doing shit. That’s it. Also include yourself once in a while. You are not hideous, its called getting old and it happens to us all. And your house. I am a student of decor and I need to see the things you surround yourself with…

Right now is spring break time and I love trying to read into the family pics. I look for the one family member who tells the true tale of the days events with a forced halfassed smile. If your not going to tell me a story with your photojournalism then I will just have to write my own. I was scanning through an endless line of family beach pictures of an old friend that included everyone but her. One of our mutual friends even made a comment that she wanted to see her smiling face as well but the friend commented back that she was always behind the camera. It took everything I had not to post my obvious only to my sick mind conclusions. Just get in the damn pictures already. And Facebook, let me just see the things I want to watch. Now back to your regularly scheduled internet.

riddle me this

lake michigan

Flying in over the lake this afternoon was cool. I was trying to spy our little lake in Michigan at the top of the picture from the sky with no luck. Anyhow, I have a strange thought that I will turn into a post. I witnessed a lady come unglued at the airport after catching a guy glancing at her cleavage. I should report that I did not directly witness the ogle, only the aftermath, but it seemed like an overblown reaction. She sincerely roasted the dude by asking if he had ever seen a female breast before and some other words that I really paid no attention to. He was older and kind of looked like a black and white movie henchman but didn’t seem like an overly creepy lech.

As an amateur boobologist myself I wanted to see what all the fuss was about and it brought this thought to mind. She had an over-sized set of bolt-on upgrades that were held together by an industrial restraining device producing deep tanned cleavage. The neck of her shirt exposed a full quarter of each respective breast and dangling in the middle was a bright silver or white gold necklace thing that measured a shiny one inch wide by three inches long. It was so bright and reflective that your eves couldn’t help but go there. So my thought was “what did she expect”?

If I put on a diamond studded cod piece and wore it on the outside of my clothes rather than the normal way (I’ll let that one steep for a second) I would fully expect folks to glance at my package. She was basically dangling a shiny spinner lour between a part of her body that she had every right to be proud of but then got upset when someone looked. It was like a cruel test that no normal man could pass. Having never been a woman I have no idea what its like to have someone up and down glance me or talk directly to my chest but if I hated that feeling I doubt I would wear a neon bra.

All I can figure is that attention was desired but only from the right type of person. I laughed after the whole thing ended as the ninety plus year old woman next to me said she couldn’t stop staring at the necklace. She told me how old she was and I completely stole the neon bra line from her. Anyway, I’m not looking for answers here, just a puzzle I encountered along the way.

 

might have to start driving myself

On the way to the airport this morning the best thing I can say about my cab ride was that I survived. I don’t know if the driving rules are quite as structured in South Sudan. I know that is where he was from because I was trying to distract him from whatever voices were telling him that today was a good day to die. I even had him turn on whatever he was listening to before he picked me up but that turned out to be a mistake. It sounded like an angry mob banging garbage cans together and complaining in chant form about the poor quality refuse containers. 

While we ignored shoulder driving rules and treated lane lines as whimsical suggestions I realized that he couldn’t see through the rising sun. The haze on his windshield had texture so he flipped down the visor and used it like an extension to his baseball cap. He actually leaned forward and touched the bill to the visor. I was in the back on a van bench seat that allowed me to hold on to both handles. I am not a big prayer guy especially about me but I found myself in a mobile Iron Cross with my head bowed. When I looked up we locked em up to avoid rear ending a stopped truck.

He must have a pit crew to swap tires and brakes at least once a week. And one side note he crushed the best ever airport time by more than five minutes. Aside from choosing to continue the ride after he almost wrecked turning on to the frontage road by my house I made another error. I wore my suit coat as a jacket and as I type to you now it is hanging up to dry after my laundering efforts. It is harder than you would think to sweat completely through a dress jacket especially with your arms stretched out to each side in cargo tether mode. 

I book my own travel and usually choose the cheapest hotel in my preferred points whore chain. This time it bit me in the ass. I wil take some pictures tomorrow to do it justice.

ponder

blank slate

As I sit here staring at a literal blank slate I am trying to plan out the future. I am in the home stretch of a financial obstical course from hell so it might be time to turn positive thoughts back on. In the mean time I am waiting for the thing to dry because DIY FYI you need to put down a layer of chalk then wipe it off to season it or so I am told by the interwebs. I am heading out on the road again so the entire beautiful mind board will not be complete until next weekend at the earliest but right now the blankness is calming.

Friday night I boarded my plane and immediately fell asleep. An hour later I woke up when I sensed a bunch of movement around me and we were deplaning. For a brief second I thought I had Van Winkle time traveled and we were already in Chicago but a glance at my watch told me the bad news. It turned out that our flight crew couldn’t get the cockpit window closed. I had no idea there were operable windows up there so, painful lesson learned.  As we were waiting to get off my bulk head seat mate was bent out of shape. there was no one in-between us so I took that as a win but this delay had her on tilt. She made some comment that I didn’t hear so I couldn’t react the way she wanted and I made the naughty list.

Even as I held the door for her at the top of the jet way she just glared. I passed her on the march across the Houston airport due partially to my stride length and also her tiny feet supporting a massive superstructure. Seriously, like they were bound or transplanted, When she arrived at the gate she excused herself in front of me online making some angry statement about boarding first on the original plane. I casually mentioned that with me sitting at the window it would make more sense for me to go first she sucked her teeth and said it wasn’t going to happen. I let it go because I was tired but a minute later she was testing the design parameters of her carry-on bag by sitting on it.

She then proceeded to remove a shoe and massage her foot which kind of grossed me out. it must have shown on my face because when she looked up at me she immediately barked GOT A PROBLEM right in my general direction. I was tired and uncharacteristically not looking for a fight but I must have stared too long so she hit me with WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? That was too loud and now people around us were looking so I immediately shifted into shit blowing battle mode. “I’m just trying to figure out if that’s a hoof you’re rubbing.” Alas I knew this was yet another friend I would never have. In other, better news it made for a blissfully talk free return flight.

Call the bomb squad 

Today is brought to you by the good people at Watching a Speaker Bomb On Stage. I am locked up in a full body constant douche chill of discomfort. The upside is my goose flesh has turned into a superhero exoskeleton and I’m pretty sure I am bulletproof right now. I’m not sure if this is an off day or a square speaker to a round audience but either way he has lost most of the room. Wait, he is bringing out props and calling someone on stage.

False alarm. That stunk. I wish I could include some of the text strings I’m in right now but my coworkers didn’t sign up to have their smartassery published on the line. I will say I work with some funny ass folks and they are making this torture fun. The current discussion involves dislodging the giant chandelier above him.


The speaker has told a couple of personal stories and we are now working on backstories for everyone named. I’ve got to go because I need a synonym for sexworker.

One last thought; if I ever bomb this bad I hope that Gene Gene the Dancing Machine will boogie me off the stage after someone rings a giant gong.