stupidtom.com

There was a dude on the plane last night wearing his bicycle helmet and not because he had suffered a traumatic brain injury. I overheard him telling someone that while his wife’s fit just fine in her carry on bag his had to be worn to travel. All throughout the flight I kept checking back to see if it was still on and was never disappointed. He was three rows back and there would have been no discreet way to take his picture plus the newlyweds noisily making out in the seat behind me might have thought I was filming for alternative reasons. I cant think of a situation where I wouldn’t abandon a helmet rather than wear it on a three and a half hour flight. He and his wife looked like Tweedledum and Tweedledee so the extreme fitness vacation to Las Vegas must have included buffet breaks. If I suddenly developed a soft spot like a newborn I might wear a stainless steel yarmulke but that would be it. I couldn’t get over my fellow travelers.

I was seated next to a very nice girl from Chicago but she was chatty. Part of that was due to a fear of turbulence and once things got bump she shifted into an impressive beer drinking gear. Eight beers later as we were getting ready to land her eyes kept rolling up into her head. I think she even “ordered for me” while I was pretending to sleep as a small talk avoidance maneuver. We got in at a quarter to midnight and she was hammered. Luckily she was being picked up to go to a party so I let her know that was called a running start. I feel like whipped shit today and hopefully my internal clock will reset by work time tomorrow morning. Vegas is too much concentrated stimulus for this guy.

I found this reclining Buddha and was immediately attracted to it. So much so that after finding out it was mostly styrofoam I lifted it off of its pedestal much to the chagrin of the mall authorities. Nothing on my permanent record just a reprimand.

I don’t get how these guys make any money dressing up and getting harassed in hundred degree heat. Another Vegas puzzle.

I lost a post on Wednesday and it was flushed into the great beyond for reasons I know not. But I need to have the picture I took make it to the page.

I’m not sure if you can read the sign in the shot because I’m posting from my phone but I got special parking at the airport for driving my clown car. I am closer than most of the handicapped spots in the lot and I’m not sure what that says but I like it. If you find yourself at Ohare be sure and pet it as you walk by. Back to class

I can’t get Internet in this place to save my life. Weird because you think they’d want me up in my room on the Internet rather than downstairs gambling. I even tried to pay for the reasonable $20 per day wifi but for some reason it wouldn’t go through. A puzzle indeed. And speaking of puzzles…

This was lit up in my room and it took me forty minutes to figure out how to shut it down.

Awesomely odd.

if my feet hurt this bad tomorrow night I will be sitting in that bad boy. Tepid pool of my own filth or not.

Hey you three, listen up. If I ever end up losing my mind in a cruel twist of fate before I croak I need you all to swear to put me in a home ASAP. Mom will want to do the “good thing” and keep me around as long as possible. Bullshit. I will not think that any of you love me any less just get me somewhere that my basic needs will be met. Don’t be Dicks about it unless I’ve done something horrible between this writing and the time of my mental demise that deserves punishment. In that case just release me into the wild for all I care and say I wandered off from a camping trip or something. If it puts Mom in financial trouble talk her in to divorcing me and drop me off at a fire house for. If my brain is gone I am no longer me. I am not kidding. Take care of this.

Today’s epistle is brought to you by me having to watch an elderly woman lead her husband around the post office like a giant infant. I imagine she couldn’t leave him in the car because he probably takes off at a whopping half mile an hour but the pain of catching him would suck for her. On your mother’s best day she wouldn’t be able to control me if I decide to go rogue angry bear and you three need to protect her from that. I understand the situation I witnessed today I just don’t like it. I hope I’m being perfectly clear but just in case I’m not this will be added into the other life lessons that I constantly drill into your heads.

Life is NOT fair, get over it.

Do something that you love as anything else is a waste of your time.

You can be anything that you want except an asshole. I see not releasing more assholes into the world as one of my prime responsibilities.

Be accountable. Pointing at something and saying it sucks is just a way to put it on a shelf. An accountable person asks “How can I make that better” or “What can I do to make that not suck?”

You are responsible for your own happiness.

You have to be a good friend to have a good friend.

I love you all and I’m serious about this shit.