I hate the feline assholes I share my house with but I will bitch nowhere but here in the spirit of the holidays. I love coming downstairs in the morning to find thirty more dollars chewed up and ruined.
I would like to punch a cat in the face right now but I’m afraid that once I started it would feel so good I wouldn’t be able to stop. And nothing says Christmas like your dad beating a cat flat. And while I’m on the subject of the cats ruining everything I need to tell you about this gift from my brother and family.
It’s this beautiful flower arrangement in a star tin base type thing. As I stormed past it this morning already cat steaming I got flicked in the nose by a terrible scent. Effing cats must have crapped in the thing. I proceeded to sniff all around the base looking for the buried turd.
I couldn’t find it but by chance I took a deep inhale near one of the flowers and needed to wash my nostrils out. This flower smells like ass. I thought my brother has sprayed something on one of me in an awesome holiday prank but it turns out that the whole thing is one big beautiful stink bomb. Genus. I have no idea what these are called but this is now my flower of choice.
Funerals, get well bouquets, congratulations, whatever. I am going to be the guy who sends a bundle of stench. This thing now makes me laugh out loud every time I walk past. It’s perfect.
says you