stuff

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First of all if you’re looking for a TV show to watch I am completely fascinated by Alaska: The Last Frontier on Discovery Channel. I watched it last week when I was out of town and when I looked it up online to find out more and how much I might have missed I found out that its Jewel the singer’s family. I’m not going to go into the whole thing because I hate over-explanation spoiler type reviews or recommendations but let me say just record it and watch it some time when you’re bored.

Next up I need to tell you about the driver I had back from the airport last night. Boris was a giant Russian with little to say which is how I like my rides at the end of a long trip. When I got home and it was time to pay he turned to present me with the credit card receipt to sign and his breath was like a donkey kick to the face. So bad that it caused an immediate involuntary cough and my eyes started to water. Hard to explain but it was hot garbage and a coppery note of blood mixed with the sour of illness. I signed the receipt but was blinking fast to keep my eyesight clear. Holy crap I could taste it ten minutes later so I brushed the mess out of my mouth and even ran a little soap inside of my nostrils. It was like a bad breath super power. A little part of me cant help but be impressed.

I’m trying to get some stuff done around here today but my motivation levels are at an all time low. I worked on the garage for a while and helped Max with his room slash my office but that fizzled out when his friends showed up to play football. So I sat down to complete a couple of my online tasks and then became distracted by the shiny web log. This warm weather is keeping me from my usual snowbound interweb cleanup but some things need attending.

 

Catholes

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I hate the feline assholes I share my house with but I will bitch nowhere but here in the spirit of the holidays. I love coming downstairs in the morning to find thirty more dollars chewed up and ruined.

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I would like to punch a cat in the face right now but I’m afraid that once I started it would feel so good I wouldn’t be able to stop. And nothing says Christmas like your dad beating a cat flat. And while I’m on the subject of the cats ruining everything I need to tell you about this gift from my brother and family.

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It’s this beautiful flower arrangement in a star tin base type thing. As I stormed past it this morning already cat steaming I got flicked in the nose by a terrible scent. Effing cats must have crapped in the thing. I proceeded to sniff all around the base looking for the buried turd.

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I couldn’t find it but by chance I took a deep inhale near one of the flowers and needed to wash my nostrils out. This flower smells like ass. I thought my brother has sprayed something on one of me in an awesome holiday prank but it turns out that the whole thing is one big beautiful stink bomb. Genus. I have no idea what these are called but this is now my flower of choice.

Funerals, get well bouquets, congratulations, whatever. I am going to be the guy who sends a bundle of stench. This thing now makes me laugh out loud every time I walk past. It’s perfect.