stupidtom.com

I called in to my office yesterday because it was hot and everyone I talked to had some sort of surplus mucus thing going on. So before I headed in this morning I took one of my beloved Airbornes and I will be repeating the process throughout the day. For those not in the know these things are alien technology discovered by a teacher. They are herbal effervescent tablets that you are supposed to dissolve in water and drink. I however am to the point where I just pop them in my mouth. The puck dissolving while I try to swallow the foam before it makes me look rabid has become a part of my airborne experience.

This is not an infomercial for the fizzy illness defense system but I am a huge fan and some at my office would say that I am an addict. Guilty as charged but I am rarely sick. I would recommend that you head out and buy a tube of this magic formula and try it next time you have to head into a danger zone like an office full of sickness or an airplane. I should also let you know that I don’t really give a shit if I am a victim of marketing hype or it is all in my head. It works for me.

Now that my shields are up I can plow through my day with nothing to worry about except the normal general assholery around me. It was a good weekend overall and I have a quick little story from last night. Yesterday we decided to clean the shed and the garage as well as throw out some big stuff that we were storing for no good reason. One of which we affectionately called the pee mattress.

The pee mattress for some reason was the target of an animal urine turf war. It all started when one of the cats decided to water one of the blankets on top of the thing. We cleaned it with great effort only to have it re-marked. I think that the second time was just to show us that we are not in control of our home but that’s just me. Then the dog got pissed (sorry) and lifted his leg on the side which was all we needed to move the thing to the garage for a final decision. That was easy once the fat cat got into the garage and relieved himself on a twin sized familiar spot.

I dragged the thing to the curb wearing gloves which I left with the trash before we left the house for the evening. When we got back from dinner the mattress was gone. Liza and I were more than a little freaked out because I actually though about pinning an envelope of money to it for the garbage man’s trouble. Freaky, but one less thing to worry about. Later I took some stuff out into the garage and glanced across the street into the park where I witnesses a group of teenage boys riding the pee mattress down the slide.

I watched two runs to make sure I really saw what I thought I saw and then I called the entire family to watch the freak show. Liza could not get over it. I could give a shit because like I said, one less thing. Besides, they had to be extremely chemically altered to lie down on a piss sponge and not choke on the smell. There are very few smells with the rich bouquet of cat urine and these punks were covered in it.

Liza spent the next couple of hours checking on the mattress and speculating as to its ultimate outcome. My stance was that we threw it out, some stupid kids took it, end of story. I’ll let you know where she finds it because I know my wife will not be able to let it go.

So to continue on we had a minor meeting of the cousins Saturday night. Some of the spouses were missing and Chris was entertaining friends back at the house but we pushed on anyway. It started with the sharing of information. We told family folklore from different vantage points in an attempt to disseminate the truth. Sammy and I have been on this quest for a long time now but we needed to bring everyone in to see what they had.

I have decided that we need to make an effort to write this stuff down. Our family history is the exact opposite of an oral tradition. Most of what we know has been leaked by the older generations with the help of my good friend alcohol. The main reason that these stories aren’t told is that we play our cards close to the vest as a group. The other thing is the imaginary rules that have cropped up over time. Everyone doesn’t know everything for a number of reasons and those that know most all have different key facts.

That will now become my side project. I am going to create a living time line to pass around and have people fill in what they know. Once we get it all down on paper, most of the truth should surface. I could give a shit if our past is checkered I just want the facts. No matter what happened it’s what has made us all what we are and I’m not ashamed of anyone in my family.

I can’t even bring myself to write about the Sopranos final episode last night because I feel like my head has turned into a cartoon lollypop. The flat kind where SUCKER was printed on the wrapper. I think David Chase just broke it off in my pooper and didn’t even offer the courtesy reach-around.

So that nightmare last night has me thinking about things that I have left un or improperly finished specifically relating to this web log. The first one that came to mind was the fact that I was supposed to post a picture of Jim’s beautiful bride after my trip to Phoenix. Since I failed to do that I will relate the best story from the visit.

The three of us (Jim his wife and I) had been out drinking most of the afternoon because my meeting ended early and we all had some time to kill. At one point the conversation drifted to personal grooming habits. Something came out of Jim’s mouth in passing that took a minute to register but when I finally understood what he said I made him go back and explain. What he said was “I shave all the way down too…”

I asked him just what he meant by that. Like a shape, or maybe some multilevel topiary type trimming? No he replied, bald. I sat there with my eyebrows raised trying to formulate my next sentence when his wife explained that this was her requirement. The direct quote has escaped me but it was something like “I don’t make him pick his teeth so I shouldn’t have too either.”

My head was spinning from the alcohol and too much information but I pressed on. You shave the twins too? Jim told me that the first time was the scariest but his wife took care of it for him. Now I have heard of trimming the shrubs to make the tree look bigger but shaving the apple bag is just crazy talk.

We kept talking about this for way too long but I couldn’t get the image of Jim with one leg propped up on the sink stretching and shaving his sack. For those of you who know him and didn’t know this bit of trivia I apologize. Try to not glance down at his crotch the next time you see him, I dare you.

Now if he would have just sent me a picture to post I could have avoided this whole story. Oh well, Jim still RULES!

I don’t know what was going on with me yesterday but I think I tried almost every possible WordPress theme and it was cracking me up. I had this awesome flowery one but it hurt my eyes to read and I am the only weak vision opinion that matters. I was also killing time while Liza was at her PTA meeting. I did get an email from a visitor during the design schizophrenia telling me that the site looked terrible. I replied by telling them that they were three designs behind and I never got a message back. I was so bored I sent them another message when I was done asking what they thought. If that was you I’m sorry about the them but your email address was ambiguous and your note didn’t give me any more gender clues.

Speaking of the PTA meeting there was big doings over at the school yesterday as a bunch of the parents were out front talking during pick-up and some of the conversation was about an illegally parked SUV. For those of you without school aged kids the traffic flow and parking while dropping off and or picking up is a huge deal. Don’t get me started down this road because I’ll probably never get back on track and this is a good story.

So this SUV is parked the wrong way in a handicapped spot on a puppy or something (OK, I might have exaggerated that last part but the rest of this is the truth) and the driver gets her kid and takes off. As she’s pulling away the back hatch opens up and a toddler rolls out the back onto the street. Parents are horrified and begin to move in for the assist when the back passenger door opens and the kid who just got picked up from school runs out and collects his sibling from the pavement.

The people watching were stunned.

The license plate was taken down and I have a feeling this is going to turn into a colossal mess. It should make for some good entertainment unless Liza has to get involved because of the whole PTA thing. Then I’m envisioning me having to back down some extremely agitated Eastern European parents as they try to shout my wife down in broken English. Life is fun and at least I’m not the parent who let one of their kids roll out the back onto the street and then was so embarrassed that I sent my grade school child to collect our wounded. Man I’m glad that wasn’t me.