stuffnthings

03/31/2007

stupidtom None , , 2 Comments

My head is spinning this morning because I completely pissed last night away and I have an assload of work to get done before my entire family gets back today. The first problem is that my house currently smells like an automotive paint booth. I had the upstairs tub refinished and like a moron I believed the guy when he told me that the smell would go away after a couple of hours. I am the idiot for not questioning that and I am paying for it by living in an Earl Scheib smelling house.

The animals are staggering around high as kites so I’d better open some windows even though it’s cracking me up. With my luck one of them would croak just before everyone got home. Nice Spring Break ending Dad.

So to delay the work even more I checked some email and then decided to come over and drop something in this real quick like. I also have a little experiment to run and I need you to bear with me. the following paragraph is going to make little or no sense but it will make me smile when I look at the search terms that bring people to stupidtom. The weirder the things I type the funnier the searches. If you came here looking for something in the afore mentioned blurb I apologize but thank you for entertaining me.

And now stupidtom’s funny search phrase generator:

Shaved peanut insertion plow bestiality ears dirty feet marshmallow boat oar pillow biter banana split dry cleaning bag asphyxiation cutting emo Elmo adult diaper play dough underpants Cribs pimp shrubs vomit urine scat blender pubic hair cheese basketball fish water toilet dvd cracker bling towel fart plastic private parts erectile yellow candle crud pencil mullet tattoo Quisp beer redhead snake dry shave whipped neighbor gargoyle.

That’s enough for now. I’ll save the best combinations and post them later.

I said more later a few posts ago

01/04/2007

stupidtom None Leave a comment

But I can’t for the life of me remember what else I wanted to talk about. I know it had something to do with the party but I’m not really sure what exactly. I think it had something to do with our love of throwing parties but our house not quite being up to the task.

It’s not that it’s a bad house. Especially if you don’t mind random leaks and EVERY improvement by the previous homeowner being completely screwed up. Other than those things and the fact that it’s as old as I am it serves its purpose. The problem is that we lived in much better when we lived in and I sometimes get the feeling that I took my family on one giant step backwards.

The house was three thousand square feet of two year old ranch. A three car garage and more features that I can list without making myself cry. It was the perfect party house but we didn’t really have anyone to share it with. If I could take that home and drop it on the current half the size turd it would be perfect.

My neighbors would be a little cranky because I would be touching both of their homes and the pool would take up most of the back people’s yard but that’s the price they would have to pay if I got my wish. Man that thing would look really stupid in our neighborhood. Good stupid. Funny stupid. Tom’s house stupid. Stupidtom’s stupiddreamhouse stupid.

Pity, party of one, your table is ready.

I am just whining because that was the coolest house that I will ever live in and most of the friends we moved back to be with never got to share in the fun. Plus the fact that on the way to work this morning I started to go through the home improvement punch list in my head and almost popped an aneurism. I need to stumble upon some life changing money and either improve that shit hole or move into something better.

I had better climb out of this funk ASAP or else I’m in for a bumpy weekend.

the very last Tucson post

12/07/2006

stupidtom None , Leave a comment

for now… I’m reposting this in memory of the pain.

OK Big stupid has to write about himself again. Tonight I decided to clean out the garage in preparation for the Christmas mess. So I fill one of the rolling dumpster can things over the top as I always do and make preparations for my human trash compactor.

I climb up on a stool and use the side wall to brace myself as I jump up and down crushing the garbage to a manageable level. My new girth has made for some impressive compression so I was about half compacted when disaster struck. The can kicked out behind me but I still had a hold of the wall my feet caught on the edge momentarily but my gut one the gravity contest and I heard a sound throughout my body that I can only describe as shuffling cards.

So my wind is gone, my hands and knees feel like hamburger, and I’m thinking about calling Christopher Reeves for some mobility tips and no one in my house seems to miss me.

In my head I’m screaming for help but upon reflection I was having some breathing problems so it was probably a very harsh whisper. I thought it worked because I heard the garage door open and I knew help was on its way.

After about five minutes of wondering how they could be searching our little yard and missing me I decided to try and move my lower extremities. Everything worked but I was walking like a cross between the un-oiled Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz and Fred Sanford.

When I finally rounded the corner to the garage I found Max sitting in a chair with his arms crossed because he was banished to hang out with me and I was no where to be found.

So now I’m kissing the ass of a butt hurt two year old while the blood drying on my legs is starting to look like catchers knee and shin pads.

A quick hobble around the house found no sympathy so I went to boil myself in the tub.

I write to you now in a modified C position and the only reason I’m doing it is because I’m throwing a little pitty party of my own. Waaah.

more from the desert

11/27/2006

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This was written a couple of years before my conversion to Catholicism. It made me a little uncomfortable reading it again but usually that’s what makes for good posting. I have almost come to the end of memory lane so I will probably have to start writing original material again.

I’d like to thank all of you for your deep concern over my eternal soul. I have some good news for those of you that think the actual church building is an integral part of salvation. This fall, as part of a long standing agreement, I will be attending weekly services with my entire family. This does not mean that I will be converting from my current religion of cynicism but it means that I will hold up my end of a bargain and keep my mouth shut.

I still have a couple of months but I strongly feel that a religious foundation is a part of what we signed up for when we had kids. I believe that god is in everything if you look long and hard enough. Having said that, after today, I’m going to steer away from my personal religious beliefs. But as long as I’ve headed down this rod already…

  • I think prayers are muffled by buildings that require paid staff and expensive decoration.
  • I was not born with a reset button and one will not appear by chanting someone’s name over and over while psychotically counting plastic beads.
  • My fear of clowns extends to guys in robes and funny hats.
  • I have problems with things that are designed to make me feel bad about a majority of my life.

All done and still no lightning.

another oldie from AZ

11/25/2006

stupidtom None Leave a comment

Sorry about all of the old posts lately but I found a backup cd and have been digging through it.

Talked to some of the good people at the old ambulance company today and it sounds like same shiznit different day. I was comforted to hear that things stayed the same. The thing that my year long sabbatical here on the sun has taught me is that no matter where you go its all still work. Assholes are everywhere, sneaky back stabbing weasels should still get hit in the head with aluminum bats, (I have a concept for a live human whack-a-mole game but none of the networks are interested) you can always find cool people to hang with, and almost everyone is awesome of you dig deep enough. Now that we are headed back that way I should have kept in better touch.

Wow, I started to turn into a demented self help Hallmark card for a minute. If I failed to keep in touch with you, and you are butt-hurt,… tough crap. The phone works both ways and last time I checked that little link on the right side of this page clicked directly to my email.

Back to the sphincter muscles at work; the head mechanic and I don’t really see eye to eye and it’s not because I have eight inches and more than a hundred pounds on him, he refuses to take responsibility for anything and I’m beginning to get cranky. I did learn something interesting from him. People who claim to be devoutly religious don’t like it when you tell them that God called and wants you to tell the truth. It caused his voice to go up a few octaves and I think he wanted to swear when I asked if Judas was a donkey cart mechanic.

If I’m headed to hell I might as well run my own division.

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