equated

I received an almost anonymous email from an old reader who knew to contact me at stupidtom dot com. It was a nice note about keeping the folks in those places entertained. First, I get it. Shitty situation all around. No one wants to plant their parents in a home of any kind but sometimes circumstances dictate. My comments weren’t shots and any of that but were all directed at me and my personal position. (I don’t have a second or any other thoughts in list form so I have no idea why I started down that road but I didn’t want the OCD amongst you to get twisted up waiting for something that wasnt coming)

My children are very aware that if by some cruel twist of fate I end up with one of the mind erasing diseases then they are to plant wherever it makes the most sense. Any by that I mean cheap and located wherever THEY please because what in the difference will it make to me?  Also, The day I don’t recognize them is their final day of obligatory visitation. Feel free to trot me out for holidays if I am at all entertaining but if I turn into a human hemorrhoid then leave me where I sit. (pun not intended  but enjoyed none the less) Again, what would I know different?

I read a lot and have a vivid imagination so odds are good that wherever my mind has drifted will be pretty good. Anyhow, that is not to depress you all with my tilted take on aging it was to explain that my personal version of hell includes being pushed around a table with a bunch of other patients batting balloons with paper towel rolls. There wasnt even a scoring system… complete bullshit.

As long as were talking about the elderly I noticed a new scam at Wal-Mart. They have taken tennis balls and branded them with their generic Equate health care brand, cut a slit in the top and bagged them in pairs.

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Assholes. They sell an entire can of those things for around $2. I took the picture because I was stunned by this development. When my 90 year old Grandpa modified his walker with tennis balls to reduce drag during his laps I thought it was funny. This must be a growing problem for Wally World to put all of this R&D time into their solution. Where the heck are the walker manufacturers on this one? How hard would it be to invent something like this that fit and looked a little better? Yellow is not the ideal constant floor contact color either. Come on people, I can’t do all the thinking here.

just no

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The above picture is entitled Breach of Trust and I took it earlier today. My formerly beloved chain of gas station slash convienience stores called Speedway has completely fallen off of the cleanliness wagon and I am done. This is the third location where random black flakes have shown up in my cup of ice pre pop pour. I know this because the initial violation was some black muck nuggets that had floated post Diet Coke and ever since I have been inspecting all ice.

Not really sure whats happening here as a sealed system making and dispensing ice right above the fountain was my former gold standard. Now my world is turned upside down. All frozen water is now subject to thourough inspection and this adds another layer of asspain into an already annoying habit. This could be the gods of health trying to tell me something but screw them. As I always say “I’ve seen that last ten years of life and you can keep them.”

To further drive that personal point home I stumbled upon a video of a group of nursing home prisoners in their wheelchairs encircling what appears to be a dining room table. Each one is armed with an empty paper towel roll and they are batting balloons back and forth at each other in some cruel form of physical activity mockery. At that point I will be trussed up in a corner like Hannibal Lecter because I have tried to take myself out using every available means.

Now I’m rethiking NOT drinking the random black ice boogers…

The mind reels

Me and reddit are old friends but every once in a while it ties my brain into knots. I was wandering down what I used to think of as a rabbit hole but now realize is more aptly described as tunnels from the Vietnam war. I like funny and weird so I guess this is a case of careful what you wish for. I have an unnatural desire to meet the man (and make no mistake this is one twisted bored dude that thought this thing up) behind (pun intended) this combo invention.

I demand to know everything about this product. How many were sold and to whom, approximate geographical locations on all customers, any and all testimonials or reviews, and any other data I can get my hands on. I have so many questions that I feel my brain shutting down.

printiticians

I walked outside today to grab the mail only to cross paths with a political paperhanger. Since my neighborhood is not an urban environment these pests have to cram crap in the mailbox or rubber band it to your door. I was attempting a quick interaction by telling him to keep his printed materials because it was going right in the recycling bin which I still don’t completely believe goes to a different place than my trash.

Not one to be deterred he pressed on by spouting some issue based question but before he could finish I asked him what he believed. As he began to answer I interrupted by letting him know that I am vehemently opposed to that stance and therefor demand that he exit my driveway immediately. He was a little puzzled by my response and I had some time to kill before my next call so I explained.

This state is completely screwed and you and all the other idiots that chose to do this for a living can do nothing but argue. I would actually vote for someone who walked up and said they didn’t print anything this election cycle and were donating all of that money to local shelters and food banks. Instead you waste money on oversized post cards that no one reads and then I’m supposed to believe that you or your shitwit candidate will be a good steward of taxpayer funds. Please put me on the Angry Resident That Hates Random Strangers Showing Up At His House list when you get back to your waste of even more money headquarters.

It must be that they just can’t figure out what else to do. If they were smart they would concentrate all of their efforts on retirement communities. Those folks love to talk some politics in the middle of the day. Any day or all day. Crap, that is a good idea. Mental note for the next wandering moron. P.S. If you are politically active in your neighborhood and are contemplating leaving me a comment about how this country works or some other gem please don’t. Let me just cut to the end of our online interaction by saying no one likes you.