Observer

I am puzzled by people who don’t put thought into things they do that call attention. Case in point; (if that was the wrong punctuation congratulations, but I’m not changing it) I travel with an awesome Boba Fett suit case and when you wheel through an airport with something that majestic you need to be ready for comments.

My go to is “no one has ever mistakenly grabbed for this thing on the carousel” followed by a smile and a look meant to communicate not-another-word, please and thank you. It mostly works. I should also mention that I would NEVER comment on someone else’s anything.

What I am is a semiprofessional people watcher. So today while perfecting my craft I noticed a woman wearing an elf hat. This wasn’t the normal Spock ears sewn on to a Buddy the Elf inspired winter cap. This was a one third scale stuffed elf fashioned into headwear so it looked like she was forehead deep in the poor things hind end.

As I was puzzling out this look another person walked up and expressed love for the chapeau. The woman that I had already named Ass Hat frowned at the stranger and turned her back. The friendly festive female was crushed but she snapped back and went on her way probably humming her favorite holiday ditty.

This almost pulled me out of my spy blind to take a picture but I am awful at clandestine phone pics. So bad in fact that my own family tried to forbid the practice. This stems from our waiter being a direct descendant of Sloth from the Goonies.

My children that I was pretending to depict were mortified and it’s obvious that he know this was happening. In my defense this was an act of pure admiration. And I left him a monster (oh come on! I’m better than that) tip to make up for my abhorrent behavior.

Anyway, that’s why I’m gun shy on the spy shots. I need some kind of chest mounted GoPro that I could activate remotely while looking down at my phone. If that’s not a thing it should be.

Less more

I use a cab company to get to the airport because they are consistently reliable. I’ve been burned by both Uber and Lyft and you only get one chance to screw me if there is a flight to catch.

Cabs aren’t without risks of their own but it never is about missing my trip. The troubles with taxis revolve around the equipment, the environment, and the driver. I have ridden in vehicles that clearly were not safe. Others were so dirty that I wanted to invent a dry spray version of hand sanitizer except I don’t really know much about that pesky chemistry thingamajig. And don’t get me started on the smells. My personal best is 22 total breaths after getting in at my house and experiencing an uncontrollable dry heave.

The drivers can range from horrendous behind the wheel to overly chatty. I’m not sure which one of those is worse by the way. A shitty driver keeps you on your toes during the entire trip. A talkative individual can make it seem like forever.

So when you find the sweet spot you want to use it as much as possible and I am lucky to have one of those gems live close by. His cab is a spotless newer minivan and he doesn’t say a single word outside required destination related conversation. I don’t request him but I end up getting about two rides per month with this treat of a human.

Just the sight of his van in the drive this morning put me in a good mood. When we got to the airport I paid him a rare compliment but I’m not sure it landed as intended. Here’s what I said and you be the judge:

The less you talk, the more I like you. Have a great day.

It’s the most

What you are looking at is some kind of parent/family torture experiment happening at the mall. I’m in the midst of my end of year travel-a-thon so when I’m home I tend to do what the wife wants. Last night that included some Christmas shopping. I don’t venture in to many stores as the crowded conditions that bother me in shopping gen pop are concentrated once you enter one of the cells.

That picture was taken as I waited for her to complete some transaction and I discovered that families were waiting in line for a giant playpen. It was like a tv show I couldn’t turn off.

Anyway I mistakenly followed her in to a shop that made me legit queasy. It was called LUSH and the scents plus the crowd immediately put me in peril. I am a lot of human to collapse in tight quarters so I beat feet for the open area out front. Holy hell that was tough. I don’t have strong reactions ever, so I was shook. Things quickly cleared up but every time I find myself near that bag I flinch once the smell hits me.

The good news is I won’t have to go back until the whole family heads there for our annual Festivus activities. $20 a family member and an hour or so to buy all the gifts. It’s a speed shoppers wheelhouse.

Oh, hey

Its a glamorous existence I’ve carved out for myself in this world. Up at 5:15am Eastern time to get the rental car returned and make this flight. The reason you are looking at a picture of my flying shoes and morning tastey beverage is I was trying to take a bank shot picture of the dude behind me screaming at his significant other. It’s how I was watching him but the phone camera would not cooperate.

Could not risk a stealth shot because this was a definite MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS situation. He really should be more careful about threats in a public place. When he said “punch you in your fat face” I laughed and immediately had to look at my phone like whatever I was listening to was hilarious. (Don’t bother giving me some me too garbage because for all I really know he might have been an alternative lifestyle gent and then wouldn’t you feel silly)

From what I could gather there had been a spat before he headed to Columbus and now that he was headed home it was up in the air if any of his stuff would be there to greet him. That’s one of those situations that I will never understand. Some folks just shouldn’t cohabitate.

Luckily he was seated nowhere near me on our flight and I got to take a nap and time travel. When I awoke this was out my window

I’ve never seen that before and had lots of questions but no one to answer. I really need to know if the inside is any different but am unwilling to book a flight to Japan to find out.