I was doing OK until the group dinner tonight and after a ten hour classroom training session that was spectacular. This braggart next to me at dinner would not shut up about his two hundred pound weight loss. I let it go for a while because I was too worn out to screw around with it until he dared comment on what I was consuming. To be fair it wasn’t that bad and I did overreact but I’d had all I could stands and I couldn’t stands no more.
He told our half of the table as he glanced a my plate that he could no longer eat meat or pasta and in fact had not had beef in over four years. What he failed to mention to our former diners was his gastric bypass so I let that fatass cat out of the bag. After he took what I imagine to be the normal round of questions he turned his attention back on my plate.
Before he could say anything I asked him if he wanted me to see if the chef could put the rest of it in a blender so he could have a sip. He mumbled something about a lifestyle change and I asked if maybe rerouting his plumbing helped his willpower just a bit. If his stomach was in fact as big as his thumb a bite of steak might just clog up the works for good. He started to get a little shitty and said something about running into this kind of jealousy before.
I told him that I wasn’t jealous and in fact I was considering some radical surgery of my own. I let him know I was thinking about rerouting my colon by disconnecting it from my asshole and attaching it into my esophagus. That way I could just eat once a quarter or so and just keep re-digesting the same crap over and over again. literally.
Those that don’t know me well can be put off by my humor but I didn’t let that stop me once I received a favorable crowd reaction. I just kept pressing talking about a bypass valve for my throat and paying a trainer to lift my limbs when I become to weak to move them myself. I stopped when he looked defeated. Not bad as I was mentally preparing a whole human flying squirrel hunk in my head.