sometimes when I sit down to write this crap I make the dangerous move of just opening my mind up and letting something sneak out to get things going. Today was that infuriating ink-a-dink-a-bottle-of-ink the cork fell out and you stink. I don’t get it and never have. Did old school ink have an odor? I hate shit like that and it makes me crazy. (er…) (assholes) See, it worked. well I guess you cant see yet because I haven’t written it down but it made me think of something else that bugs me so the free flow thing did its job.

Today’s bugging me are those fake ass security people that stand at the door as you exit a lot of stores in these parts. I’m sure that there are studies showing these as an effective theft deterrent but I’m not buying it. This morning at Costco the mouth breather at the door was touching my stuff and not glancing at the receipt until it was time to draw the ultra secure line on it with his highlighter. I wanted to screw with him something like “Hey Rainman did you memorize every item and then compare it with the receipt in two seconds because that’s impressive” but I was with my better half and that would have just landed me in unnecessary trouble.

In college my friends and I used to mess with the floor walkers at the bigger department stores just because it was fun. I remember getting chased out of a Jean Claude Penny store and all we were doing was acting shifty around an obvious undercover security dude. If you happen to notice one next time you’re shopping and want to have some fun immediately change direction and move away at a faster than normal rate. Then, depending on how much time you have, head straight for a department that you have no business in and try to play hide and seek.

If you are actually attempting to steal something this probably isn’t the best move but you probably knew that. The one time I got pulled in to security I threw a fit about the whole empty your pockets thing and refused. They threatened to and then eventually called the Ames police. By the way the whole time I kept repeating what’s going on and why are you grabbing me eventually ramping that up to I’m going to sue this place. By the time the cop showed up I was calm but the two store security guys were pretty salty.

When you work at one of the two strip joints in a college town you get pretty familiar with the local constabulary so the officer greeting me by name when he arrived didn’t help my captors moods. And then when I immediately emptied my pockets even allowing the cop to pat me down revealing nothing they began to lose their shit. On the way out I was talking loudly to the cop about a good lawyer that might be able to help me with my case. I probably should have spent a little more time studying and a lot less creatively wasting time.

Due to my antics Penny’s probably lost tens of dollars in merchandise over that two hour ordeal. Sometimes I miss younger me.

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