This weeks Ask Stupidtom comes from the email thingamajig and I like this question because its wide open or at least that’s how I am choosing to interpret it. The question reads as follows:

“In honor of Halloween what is the sickest thing you’ve seen?”

Awesome, I’ve seen a lot of sick and this question could lead to multiple posts. If you mean sick as in physically made me ill to experience it was hands down when I worked at the ambulance company. This is really a long sad story so I’m not going to answer with this one but I will try to quicklyish sum-up. We were doing a long distance transport of an old legless vet from a local VA hospital to the big home in central Illinois. We should have known something was wrong when the nurses had him completely bundled up and ready to go when we got there at 4AM because that particular VA hospital isn’t known for its promptness.

It was my turn in the back and about two hours into the ride I was punched in the face by the worst smell I had ever experienced. The poor dude had been actively shitting himself the entire morning and it had now seeped through the diaper and blankets, pooled on the stretcher and was dripping onto the floor of the ambulance. I have a freakishly high gag tolerance but this got me from the start. My breakfast and a bunch of Diet Coke ended up filling the tiny waste basket, and at one point when I had nothing left to give I just went about my cleaning him up business while experiencing full body convulsive dry heaves. It turns out that diapers work much better if you have legs to make a seal in the openings. Who knew?

From a sick in a made me want to erase it from my memory by drilling a hole in my skull and pouring bleach in perspective I would have to say the live donkey show in Juarez Mexico my freshman year of college was the worst. I’m not comfortable writing that one down just yet but take everything you are imagining right now and multiply it by at least ten. Bestiality, poverty that would push someone let alone a whole group into putting on such a production. Yikes. That is one of those things that I know I’ll have to answer for. That bummed me out just thinking about it.

If you meant sick from a funny perspective I have a bunch of those. The first one that came to mind was during the eighth grade trip to Marriott’s Great America. (that’s what it was called and I still have trouble recognizing the Six Flags takeover) We were in that barrel thing that sticks you to the wall with centrifugal force and a kid across from me made the classic mistake of looking up at the spectators. I watched him force his head sideways and then as he vomited it kind of stuck to the wall and slowly spread toward the kid next to him. That poor soul could do nothing because once that thing is cranking you can barely move. As the ride slowed down it turned into a vomit salad spinner and most of us were covered in a little shrapnel. If not from the original spew it was from the mad theaters on fire cramming together to get out the little door.

The other one that comes to mind was the pubic pizza. I’m not sure if I’ve told that story here before and I don’t have time to call Stupidtom Historian Doug so I will plow on. We had a mooch amongst our friends and every bar night on the way home we would grab some food as a group. Said same mooch would never walk home with us so he could show up a half hour later and freeload. On this particular evening one of our regular stops was closing for the day so they gave us the two remaining pizzas cheap. There were five of us but we only finished one of the pies. Someone mentioned that the mooch would soon be over to clean up the rest.

My memory is fuzzy as to who exactly started the idea of putting some pubic hairs under the cheese of the remaining slices but I clearly remember a weird alcohol fueled competition about pulling out the bigger clump of hair. At some point one of us had baggies over their hands and were artfully arranging the food as to disguise our sabotage. Honestly, Helen Keller could have detected the trouble but we closed the box and waited.

He came in right on cue and plowed through the first piece without asking. We were all stunned but when he picked up the second slice people began to lose their composure. I couldn’t breathe from holding it in and someone showed him what was so funny. The look on his face is still burned into my memory and I remember laughing even harder when he couldn’t get our pubic hair to come up out of his stomach with a couple of fingers jammed down his gullet. That was awesomely sick.

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