time to think is a dangerous thing

I am struggling with the inability to slow my brain down. I am pondering crap that I haven’t thought about in years. Goofy where a little time plus a healthy dose of anxiety can take a person. I find myself working on a longer term plan that I ever thought I would and have realized that I have not one clue about what I’m doing or where I want to be in five, ten, fifteen, years. Irresponsible? Maybe but its what I’m dealing with right now.

In the way of an informal unscientific experiment type exercise I wrote down everything that was going through my head last night as I was having trouble getting to sleep. I’m going to retype the list now in the order that I wrote it only correcting the spelling of the words with little red squiggles underneath.

  • figure out something you actually like doing every day
  • what do you like to do? Manage people, Write, Interact with other humans, Bullshit, Argue, Solve problems, drive, read, listen to audiobooks, grill, eat anything grilled, I need to come back to this question and be more specific, work home etc…
  • New windows, fix ceiling from roof leaks and remove awesome popcorning at the same time, mud-jack garage a little closer to level before the earth reclaims it permanently, finish work downstairs at least paint the boys room and move him in by Friday so Pete can finish the floor, reconfigure TV upstairs and internet downstairs, window treatments, Liza will want new couches,
  • How long do we actually want to live in this house? I do not want to die in this dump unless its during an epic battle when I finally attempt to reset the temperament of this little shack by burning it to the ground. More than likely I’ll take the advice of a friend who shall remain nameless to prevent associative prosecution and instead of burning a few well placed potato chip bags I’ll clean out all of the local stores and warehouse clubs and create a blaze that can be seen from space.
  • How long can we survive on the emergency money if everything went wrong at once?
  • What in the hell kind of used car am I going to buy? It looks like the days of me finagling a company car as part of my deal are coming to an end. Car should be something good on gas and safe enough that Maggie can learn to drive on but nothing that lends itself to trouble. Strike that. Everything leads to trouble. I managed to make a powder blue 1967 Lincoln Continental Sedan with suicide doors into a legendary funbus. Maybe a pickup? I loved my pickup. Jeep? I like convertibles. Practical can kiss my ass.
  • You should not be allowed to cancel a TV series unless you completely wrap up all lose ends. Unresolved just pisses me off.
  • Something’s got to be done about the cost of college. holy shit toast its ridiculous. maybe I can work some kind of two for one deal when the boys ready to go. I should just take a writing class in the mean time. I need to look that crap up.
  • Note to self: Like this whole thing isn’t that already but I want to look up that crazy cat lady study there was something about changes in the women’s brains and the amount of cats multiplying.
  • I wonder how long it would take me to turn that shed into an office?

At that point I stopped scribbling and went up to bed. Its weird in here.

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