The Juror

Ok I didn’t get on a jury but I came tantalizingly close. We were all called in for a felony case in the morning and then they dismissed us for lunch while the lawyers did their thing. I ran to work to what I thought would be my final meeting at this company fully prepared to ask for a ride to the courthouse so I wouldn’t be facing a bench warrant along with the unemployment thing. It turns out that they would like me to do more if they can figure out how to salvage this turd so we tabled those discussions for later but not a bad thing.

I arrived early and had to pee in a bad way so when I walked in to the bathroom my body had already started the pressure release procedures. The smell in post lunch recess multiple courtroom men’s room was powerful and thick. I involuntarily wretched and then tried to take a gasp of air to hold my breath but it was like I had a mouthful of foul Jell-O. I exhaled, well more like spit out, and pulled my shirt up over my face and trudged my way over to the urinal.

If other people would not have been in there with me I would have karate chopped my way around in an attempt to clear a path. The entire time I was in there a dude was scrubbing his hands OCD surgeon style. He was still there when I took the sink next to him. I couldn’t help myself so I said “With the amount of shit particles floating around in here there’s no way you can get clean enough to operate Doc.”

He looked over at me and I immediately felt terrible. This was a man trapped by his own body and brain and I think the thick stink was shorting something out. I noticed that he was one of the chosen with me so I said that it was almost go time and we needed to get back to the courtroom. We both walked over but the court was locked. My friend Robb was there in the pool with me as well and the tragic mistake that the defense made was allowing us to see the defendant shackled surrounded by two Sherriffs. This did not look like an innocent man waiting for his day in court.

We were seated and the judge was getting us ready for the Voir dire process but it turned out that we were just the threat of the trial getting real. The defendant plead out in one of the back rooms and the judge dismissed us for the day but not before letting us know that this was a home invasion. Guilty. If he was in someone else’s home to deliver a Publishers Clearinghouse check, GUILTY. I would have made a horrible jurist let alone once I bullied my way to foreman and forced my views down everyone else’s throats.

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