I have a cousin who is borderline obsessed with genetically modified organisms and in her opinion the evil empire behind all of them (mentally insert Darth Vaders Theme here) Monsanto. I don’t know a thing about either subject and really don’t feel qualified to comment as one of my favorite things in the world is Diet Coke which I’m pretty sure is completely man made. If I were a betting man I’d give better than even odds that the water is somehow fake or “enhanced” in some way. So that will serve to show you just how poor these taste buds are that I’m working with.

I only know this because her Facebook stream or whatever its called is filled with anti-Monsanto stuff and good for her for caring about what goes in to her family’s bodies. Personally I think that we already outlive our design specs so this doesn’t even register on my list of things to think about. But due to her successful saturation campaign it did seep into my thoughts and my brain being what it is took things in an alternate direction.

Why don’t the scientific geniuses at Monsanto take time away from fruit and vegetable manipulation and get along combining two of natures perfect foods. I am talking about the pig and the cow. It should be called the POW! (*trademarked as of this publication or at least I get one of the first ones for my own grilling pleasure) This thing should be a greatest hits of the two animals. I would be glad to consult on what to keep and or enhance from each individual animal.

Obviously the size of the bovine needs to be retained. Giant bacon should not just be a dream. The hams will probably look like the bolt-on enhancements that those Kardashians wear. Ribs should be thinner leaning toward pork in girth and cow in length. Look, I don’t need this monstrosity to survive in the wild so I don’t really care if it’s skeletal structure can adequately protect its organs or not.

Ideally this thing should be raised in Japan by the gods who invented Kobe Beef. Warm, dry, confined space where your every need is catered to including but not limited to rub downs and an unlimited supply of beer. This thought is rolling down a hill fast but for some reason my mouth is watering…

Picture me on the Island of Doctor Moreau running around with a napkin tied around my neck fork in one hand knife in the other. Also picture earplugs as talking food just isn’t right. And maybe not running… OK definitely not running. Driving a 4 wheeler. Possibly pulling a huge grill or smoker. …time to stop now.

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