I got in to a nice verbal dust up yesterday with a relatively new friend. Being a new buddy I try to keep the real me locked down for the most part as it is best revealed in small chunks. I love the look or even the words that say “where did that come from?”
So we are going back and forth about college basketball and I am catching a well deserved amount of flack for my beloved Cyclones tournament performance. It stayed pretty civil for the most part but somehow we strayed down a torture path. This led to enduring torture which moved into administering a single torture event to the other person. Before I go on you should know that I fully understand how bizarre this conversation might seem but this is the stuff I live for. My brain craves this type of twisted thinking.
Anyhow, parameters were set such as duration and overall damage. (I had a sneaking suspicion that he had done this before) We landed on a single instance lasting no more than ten minutes (not including prep time) with no resulting permanent major handicap other than mental damage and some maiming. I wanted clarification on the maim so we went with nothing that would result in death without immediate medical attention like sawing off a limb for example. Supplies must be listed in advance and the winner would be determined by the other persons overall discomfort with the concept. My opponent elected to go first which was a mistake.
He listed supplies as handcuffs, pliers, duct tape, and salt. Then he went on to talk me through my fingernail removal in great detail. It was impressive and I have to admit that I had just read about similar torture in a book so I had some vivid mental pictures in the hopper. The cuffs secured me to a table and the duct tape was for my mouth and body to a chair. Both nice touches and added to my growing inventory.
His description was pretty good and I could tell that when he finished he mentally dropped the microphone on the stage like a battle rapper declaring victory. maybe…
My supplies were a bit more mysterious. A board, a hammer, a nail, rubber gloves, a box of 40mm glass rods, a furniture dolly, a case of duct tape, and a workbench. The devil is in the details and also the secret to really getting under someones mental skin, so there is no way I’m going to give you the full workup I provided my opponent. I will sum up so you get the overall gist.
Duct taped naked to the furniture dolly with just his eyes nose and junk exposed he would be wheeled to the height adjustable workbench. Wearing the aforementioned rubber gloves I would stretch his unit on to the board driving the nail into a pinch of foreskin to hold it in place. I ordered a case of the glass rods because I’m not real confident in my dickhole insertion skills. I might have mentioned that the blood from failed attempts could ultimately aid my cause.
You get where I’m going, it ends with a series of delicate hammer blows to shard-up the glass. I was hit with silence for a couple seconds then his response was “you said dickhole and I got really uncomfortable.” a longer than normal pause “you’re sick, but I’m stealing that whole thing and using it with someone else” I declared myself the victor and got no argument.
My favorite phrase from our debrief of the game “Who uses the word dickhole?”
I need to tell you a little more background. He admitted that he thought he would gross me out with his description because he had played this particular game before and my admitted first attempt would be weak. So I told him that he lobbed one into my wheelhouse. I mentioned that there is so much constantly swirling around in my noggin that I try to write every day to blow off a little steam.
Promises were made about being allowed to read and never talking about it in mixed company (those who don’t know about this site) I also asked for permission to write about this which he gave with the caveat that there be no way anyone could ever identify him in any way as a participant. And for the first time in my long history I sent someone my writing for pre-approval. He considered my description accurate but thought his effort deserved better press.
I reminded him about the victorious writing history and he acquiesced. I apologize for the lack of post yesterday but it was off at the editor and I had nothing else.