So the stolen phone thing is still stuck in my craw and I don’t even know where that is located on my body. I find myself wondering why in this age of technological marvels there is still a working market for stolen tech gadgets. They can certainly shut shite down if I don’t pay my bill so why don’t they build in some undefeatable self destruct system into the tiny computers?

People steal these things because they can easily reuse and or resell them. If there was a way to turn it into so much plastic junk the market would dry up. Before you tell me all of the things I should be doing I have already done them. I am a capable reader and have followed all instructions to the letter. The phone will be erased the next time it connects to any internet. In this country… But I would be so much happier if I could, say, start a small fire at its current location…

This would be a feature you would have to really work at to deploy. Prove it was stolen and not just gifted to an unwitting enemy. Verify ownership in an enormous pain in the ass fashion. Possibly have the screen clearly warn of the impending flames along with a shrill whistle siren noise prior to detonation. Okay maybe detonation is to extreme. What about a setting that runs everything in the phone at full blast once triggered?

Loud noise, full constant vibrate, screen on highest setting and pure white, flashlight on, both cameras simultaneously shooting video, processor attempting to calculate the meaning of life, etc. It might not burst into flames but I’d bet it would get dam uncomfortable in the pocket. If any smartphone engineers are reading this shame on you get back to work. But my preliminary name for this function is “MELT IT!” feel free to get to work on it.

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