Editors note: I wrote this yesterday but couldn’t bring myself to post it. I was in a complete shit mood and had to get it out but somehow it seemed too personal. Then this morning I remembered there were a whopping half dozen readers stopping by and figured what the hell. WARNING this is not funny.
Mental illness is a motherfucker. I have no better or different way to say it. If you have never been even peripherally effected by a broken brain consider yourself lucky. We are all busted in some sense and all have our things… but that is not what I’m talking about. I speak of a brain that prevents you from living the life you would like to live.
We know so little about the grey mush in our skulls that I have a feeling what we now call psychology will be the equivalent of putting leaches on a physically ill patient a hundred years from now. This is not a feel good in any way just a fact based assumption. If you are going through something involving a loved one and talk to any of their doctors you get the distinct feeling that you are watching a guessing game. Everything from medications to treatment methods is “lets try this and see if it works” It stops giving hope somewhere after the third time you hear it.
And the shit we are dealing with isn’t even the worst on any scale of broken. I cant imagine what someone goes through with some more severe stuff going on. When I say it isn’t the worst that also comes from a place of removed objectivity. If this were going on in my head I would think it far from trivial. In fact if anything were happening to me it would be a full blown red alert and I could probably amplify even the tiniest issue into a restful hospital stay. The point being that issues with the brain suck. (Wow that really put a profound fine point on things…)
Parents go through some pretty interesting stuff as well. There is a temptation to place blame, which is nonsense. No one knows what will happen when two people combine their genetic material and even glancing into family crazy doesn’t paint a complete picture of what could happen. The thing is blame is bullshit, making things better should be the focus. I am dancing around the details because they are not my thing to share and even though my child is extremely open on the subject it still doesn’t seem right.
I will tell you that from my perspective it is all consuming. I am thinking about this shit constantly and no matter how many brain cycles I spend it doesn’t seem to help. A father’s natural urge is to fix things and because I cant I feel more than a little helpless. Another factor is how cheap all of this “trying” can be. I am traveling more to keep our collective heads above water but it feels like I’m losing ground. I love this job but it might not have the long term earning potential required for the advancement of my family. aaakkkk I am in a shit mood.
This is not a cry for help, sympathy, or any other feel sorry situation. This is just something that is constantly on my mind that I’m hoping to calm by writing it down on this virtual paper.