a tad thermonuclear

I was having some Dish Network issues this morning and after doing all of the troubleshooting that the internet recommended I call in for assistance. I need to let you know two things before we get into the meat of this story.

  1. I love Dish, by far the best value for our money and the technology is some of the best in the business. I use the remote stuff on the road to watch my recorded shows in airports and hotels and it is flawless.
  2. I pride myself on remaining professional with customer service representatives because I work with them for a living and realize that the bad ones usually aren’t properly trained.

That said, things got a bit bumpy on my phone call.

It started out okay as I described the problem and then everything that I did to troubleshoot the issue. Things began to go wrong when she didn’t believe me and treated me like an idiot. After explaining that I unplugged the box for 30 seconds, then five minutes, then a half hour she asked me if I took the plug completely out of the socket. My smartass answer “no, I just wiggled it out about an eighth of an inch until it sparked but I swear that the power cut off to the box every time…” probably didn’t help.

I tried to remind myself that she was following a basic troubleshooting script and needed to check boxes before real help could be assigned. I wont bore you with the rest but we finally came to the part where I wanted someone to drop off a new box. I was told that a new one would have to be shipped and I would have it in four days or so. Wait, WHAT? This is unacceptable because I know their company has appointments seven days a week and if you order today it will be installed tomorrow. This means that there are a bunch of trucks constantly navigating my market chock full of new equipment.

She wouldn’t budge so I offered to head over to the local office that I wasn’t supposed to know existed and pick one up. Again I was denied. But not just denied, treated like I was too stupid to understand that I would need to wait patiently for the box to show up. This is where I began to get pissed. I questioned a policy that meant the only option was to have a customer without service for four days (a slight exaggeration) when there were better options available. She responded with a less than enthusiastic Yes sir, I am sorry.

Not as sorry as you are about to be:

Maybe I could have you explain to my ninety seven year old bedridden grandfather why he wont be able to watch the NFL playoffs this weekend… because if you don’t I will have to…

Silence. And I let it go on for a full minute and a half before adding

do I need to restate my last request? maybe slower this time?

She tried to pretend that I didn’t day words and moved on to confirming my now expedited shipment information. I said nothing until she gave me the mandatory “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Yes in fact you can. Please make a note in my file that your company has now set a new low for customer service and satisfaction. I would like to congratulate whomever came up with this impressive procedure and as I have nothing better to do for the next four days I will do whatever I can to spread the word about this nonsense.

I got a mumbled okay in response and then the call ended. I probably went a little harder than I needed to but treating me like I’m not smart enough to completely unplug a box after I spelled out all of the things I had already tried put me on tilt.

Editors Note: My Grandpa has been gone for almost five years now so I froze his age at the time of his passing. He would have no trouble at all with my exaggeration using his name as this is the man who had me convinced that he hung my grandma up in the closet every night because she preferred sleeping that way. Telling me not to talk about it with her to save embarrassment was a master stroke.



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