yesterday was a loss

Sometime Wednesday night the wheels came off. **WARNING WORSE THAN USUAL CONTENT APPROACHING PROCEED WITH CAUTION YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED** I wasn’t feeling real great after driving the boy and some friends to the girls basketball game but I chalked that up to an evening wasted. I stopped to get a Diet Coke on the way back but could barely handle a single sip. Bad mix I thought…

Then about 1:30 in the morning my internal disaster alarm went off. I grabbed a pillow and blanket heading for somewhere down near the men’s room in the basement. I should let you know at this point that I am a known yell vomiter. I basically make loud guttural animal noises accompanied by the contents of my stomach.

I scream puked for a good half hour to the point of physical exhaustion. I was sweating and my head was thumping but I knew it wasn’t over. The puking finished up for good around 4:30am but I went to sleep in the office just in case. All was great until I thought I would just work as normal the next day.

My first call found me burping like Foster Brooks (I’ll wait while you look it up) and I am willing to admit it was not my best work. I would say it was my worst call of the year except immediately after I had another one that dropped the bar to the floor. I was talking away and pacing around a bit as I am likely to do with my standing desk when all of a sudden it felt like I got shanked in the belly.

The pain was ridiculous and I didn’t know what was happening until more internal Emergency Warning Systems not in use since childhood began going off. All dials and indicators pointed to a probably sweatpants desecration. I am tempted to write Holy Shit or Shit Got Real but that’s too easy. I exited the call with as much grace as a man being disemboweled by an invisible sword and began penguin walking toward the bathroom.

I will spare you further detail other than to say I washed every piece of clothing three times and the bathroom was declared a total loss by the CDC. If I would have had the strength to make it out I would have burned the house down to start fresh. I spent an almost complete 24 hour period shuffling to the bathroom and back. took 5 showers and went through two cans of foaming cleanser. Finally today after no further incidents and one last deep cleaning it no longer smells like someone hosed out the rhino pen at the zoo.


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