At one point in the new magical United Club I actually cut myself off. My flight kept getting delayed and I caught myself overreacting in a way that could only be explained by the unlimited beer. So I walked around for an hour and a half just seeing the sights. Then for good measure I grabbed some dinner and it was time to board the aircraft.
I slept through the entire flight which is a bit like time traveling but I woke up not refreshed but groggy. It was 12:30am and my cab was not arriving as promised. When he did show up I tried to slow my role but circumstances dictated otherwise. First up was the “air freshener” that had to be named Super Strong Urinal Cake. It smelled as if I were an employee at the factory. My mind immediately constructed a story about his brother working for the company and getting him all of the free deodorizer he could carry. Then I caught myself looking for blue stained fingers and rings in the carpet.
I have been having some troubles with the motion sickness lately but I figured that was just the old man inner ear thing. But it only happens on amusement rides or extreme airplane situations never in a car. As soon as we left the protective O’Hare airport circle this guy was trying to prove me wrong. We were in some kind of race I knew nothing about and even my best SLOWTHEFUCKDOWN did not reduce the running clock. I don’t know if we were working on beating a personal best or if there was another cab out there somewhere with another scared passenger. I just wanted Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to end.
His hard gas pedal hard break work made it challenging to remain upright and by the time I got home it felt like I had been doing crunches the entire time. The chemical smell had permeated my bone marrow and I was full from swallowing dry-heaves. He passed the frontage road even though his GPS was screaming at him because he was going too fast to make the turn. Real life friends: He got off the highway exit in front of the furniture store and was going 52 as we passed the street…
Anyway, he seemed shocked when I neglected to tip him for the trip. I must have looked pretty grim because he started to say something but quickly changed his mind. I got into the house feeling like I had been on a boat all day and here it is the next evening and I still don’t feel quite right. I have to go as a household Diet Coke shortage is threatening my very existence.