I have the ability to go from zero to red ass in very little time with no outlet for this super power. In fact the bulk of my life has been spent keeping this condition in check. It does leak out whenever someone wants to verbally duel. I tend to return one minor cut to gauge the seriousness of my opponent and then I begin deep hacking slashes designed to reach bone. Over the years I have learned how to drag it out a little by slowing the increase in severity but I like the fight too much.
Other times a thermonuclear response is required to bring a pile of nonsense to an end. This usually frightens the opponent to the point that they reconsider being in your presence and that is exactly the point. I was quickly running some errands during my lunch yesterday when I had to walk around a protester. I wasn’t paying much attention to the cause because his signs were poorly written and kind of pissed me off as they depicted upside down american flags. But I am a freedom of speech guy so I just gave that little shitshow a wide birth.
Not good enough as my timing made me the only customer on his horizon. So he shouted a question that was supposed to reveal my position on what turned out to be a presidential race issue and I responded with a curt NO THANK YOU. Again, not good enough so he threw out a shot at my mom and my kids. I wheeled…
Now before I begin I need to edit some of this because I am a sick individual. I am not proud of this interaction or the words I used but they did the trick.
I let fly with a horrifying tale of what I did with his mother. It involved her love of anal sex and the scatalogical arts coupled with her desire to take a donkey punch. When he could no longer meet my gaze I mentioned her pillow talk was filled with her disappointment about a son who had nothing better to do than annoy people outside of a retail establishment. I gave it a five count with no response at all and went in to the store. When I came out he was gone.
This got me thinking that maybe I should make a hobby out of protesting protesters. I could hold up signs about them holding up signs. And then when they finish I could prevent them from getting in to their cars like playing defense in basketball. I’m just noodling here but I think an aggressive hobby might help keep the snakes in my head at bay.
And if you’ve ever wondered its posts like this that keep me from talking about this thing. “Hey you should check out my cute little online diary. Its super fun…”