okay dummy

Yesterday might have seemed like I would completely change my life if I had it to do all over again and that is not the case. I am a firm believer in IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE and know that any major changes I could make would drastically alter my current life. If I changed anything it would be little interactions with other people not major life choices.

When I was a young man I was stupid. Not lacking in raw intelligence but a rolling lack of common sense. It would wash over me in waves and would concern things that have led me to the place where I now find myself. During the dumb times I treated people as less than they deserved and for that I am truly sorry. Some that I loved some that I didn’t but none deserved mistreatment. That I would truly fix and unable to do that I would at least apologize. In matters of the heart especially I was a bit of a coward as well.

For the few who did earn my wrath I probably took that a bit too far because it felt good. It felt like that was a natural skill I was gifted with and when I got to open it up I rarely held back. I had an old friend remind me recently of the time when my then girlfriend now wife had been intimidated at a party by a former boss. It was a veiled threat delivered by a wannabe bad movie villain. I was not there which made it much worse in my brain and she was confused and a little scared. Something about her being pretty and a shame…

As I was standing in the parking lot of his business a couple nights later holding the bat I had just used to break all of his car windows (not a huge accomplishment my the way. It was a corvette not a 15 passenger van or anything that would have completely worn me out) I can still remember how great it felt screaming for him to come out of the bar and threaten me. One of my bouncer friends eventually calmed me down with a promise of making sure it was over and done. That was the last time I heard from him but like I said Young and Stupid.

The big mistakes, career, money, etc. aren’t so bad. Even not finishing college probably helped me more than it hurt. So don’t look at any thinking you read here as a desire to change the past. Its a dream to make a better future.


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