better than fair

I missed a day for reasons that I will attempt to explain but most likely will veer away from due to boredom and giving zero shits. The Minnesota State Fair is something that everyone should experience at least once. First, some Don’ts:

  • Don’t drink Sweet Corn Beer. It’s not right on a number of levels not the least of which is someone taking two separately delicious things and making one horrible experience.
  • Don’t buy food from a vendor that has no line. ever. no matter how hungry you are. please, trust me on this one.
  • Don’t watch a baby cow being born unless you are prepared to see the tools and chains involved in a difficult birth. witnessed a couple people get woozy as I watched the miracle of my favorite food reproducing itself.
  • Don’t be an asshole. you’re going to the fair. things are going to be expensive. things can get a little grimy. people not like you will be everywhere you look. get over yourself and enjoy the experience. or go away.

And now some Dos:

  • Do eat bad food. its the fair. live a little. healthy alternative vendors should be punched squarely in the face. if someone tries to hand you a salad it had better be fried and on a stick.
  • Do try to see everything. you won’t but try anyway. this thing is enormous and you owe it to yourself to walk around until you cant anymore. (then you should get a rental Little Rascal scooter)
  • Do people watch. make time to stop and sit at intervals you you can see what treasurers the crowd tide has churned up for your viewing pleasure. its like every area Walmart closed for the day and bused customers to one location. perfection.
  • Do stop at the roasted sweet corn corral or whatever the hell they call it. (not to be confused with the aforementioned horrible beer) corn roasted over coals after being soaked in brine for hours. then just before they hand it to you a complete butter immersion. salt and pepper to excess at your own discretion. the best thing I had by far. luckily we went there last as it would have been the sum total of my fair experience as I would just have kept a loop eating corn while in line for my next ear.

That night I was so tired I couldn’t fall asleep and in the morning I paid dearly for poor choices. I was on first thing but I don’t get paid to show weakness so I had to do my thing. By the time I was driving home it all hit me like a ton of bricks. So I popped a five hour energy and pushed through. By the time I got home I wasn’t right in the head. I fell asleep sitting up in a chair like my grandpa.

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