I was growing out Ye Olde Timey beard but I just couldn’t hack it. The thing made me laugh every time I looked in the mirror but in the end that wasn’t enough to save it from the clippers. The thing about a facial freak flag is it requires care and maintenance which are two things I have no desire to do on a daily basis. Even those long ass Duck Dynasty type beards that try so hard to look natural require preening that I am unwilling to undertake. Next time you watch that show picture those squirrel eating mountain men dragging a brush through their chin pubes counting the strokes like Marsha Brady in a dressing mirror.

The end came when I myself had to brush the thing after a shower because I looked like Foster Brooks. His beard was a kind of everything brushed out front affair. Then I immediately flashed to a civil war picture I saved years ago that would be me if I ever stopped shaving altogether

Two stupid clumps of hair on each side above my ears and whiskers growing straight out from my face. Civil War Stupidtom does not look like a good time. The lack of easy access to terrible food and high quantities of beer helped my overall size but apparently I had poor blood flow to my extremities as I had to remove my glove and rest my naked hand on my breast. Luckily this didn’t disturb the lines of my stolen drapery sash cord belt lest my portrait be ruined.

Anyway, that much face fuzz just gets in the way. And by in the way I mean it impedes eating and drinking which should never be done on purpose. Finally, if I’m being completely honest, the beard made me feel like a douche. see exhibit A

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