I was pushing a cart down a random freezer isle with my eldest child yesterday when the site of the above pictured products poked me in the eyeball. Whatever evil cabal invented this horror ought be hunted down at all costs. Turkey should already be classified as a vegetable along with chicken and all things that exist in the sea. If you are reaching for a hot pocket the last thing on your mind is your health. Just like my beloved McRib the Hot Pocket is a staple of the uncaring and lazy. In fact I always thought their tagline should have been “When you’re too tired to make mac and cheese… Hot Pockets” Fast food for the health conscious veganetarian  is wandering into your front yard, dropping to all fours, and grazing on your drought tolerant native landscape.

When I was a kid my grandfather could spot side of the road asparagus at sixty five miles per hour. There was more than one unbuckled head bang on the trucks dashboard as he locked em up then slammed into reverse. All to climb down into the ditch with his knife reappearing a couple minutes later with fists full of the stuff. I blamed this behavior on his being a child of the depression and thankfully he treated this weed like the butter soaked side dish it was born to become. Side note: If you want a small child to eat a vegetable don’t tell them it grows in the ditches under telephone and power lines because the birds that rest there poop out the seeds. Vegetables begetting vegetables.

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