I made it home safe and sound late last night but the last leg of the trip was not without bumps. The delay was inevitable given the trip I was having so that didn’t really upset me and it wasn’t long in the grand scheme of airline buggery. The trouble arose as I found my seat. The Sikh gentleman in the middle was awesome. He was a perfect circle with a fancy three piece wool suit magical facial hair. He instantly brought to mind stop motion snow Burl Ives from Frosty the Snowman. The selfish witch seated next to him on the isle wouldn’t stop talking on her phone long enough to see that I needed to get in to my seat. When she finally noticed my looming and staring she was extremely put out by the process of getting up and out of my way.
Once I sat down it became apparent that his circular shape and my extended oval were going to touch all flight. I tried my damnedest to minimize contact, so much so that my back hurts today, but in the end we just had to deal. I don’t know how he kept from sweating. Along with the aforementioned costume he had four feet of human hair swirled atop his head covered in purple cloth. I had moisture circles everywhere we made contact as well as in places wee didn’t. Some kind of mystical mind control was happening next to me and that wasn’t my trouble.
When wee landed Princess Entitled Isle Seat stood up and proceeded to build a beaver dam of luggage. Two people were politely attempting to catch an international connection by excusing themselves forward. The international terminal is on the other end of the O’Hare universe so their behavior was understandable. Her highness pretended that nothing was going on and anyone behind her should wait their turn. The anxiety level was rising but the two nervous connectors didn’t know what to do. So I politely said “move your shit so they can make their flight.”
She looked like I had slapped her but she moved her ass and baggage enough so they could just squeeze by. The Sikh Circle was smiling and I went back to my book. In a strange attempt to do I’m still not sure what she louder than needed said in my direction “When life gives you lemons make lemonade.” I looked up puzzled. “How in the Hell does that apply to this situation?” She smiled at me as if I had just revealed myself a mental deficient. So I pressed on. “Seriously, are you the lemon in that situation? And what you said makes no sense. You didn’t say when life gives you lemons, clean water, sugar, ice, a nice pitcher, and something to stir it with. In your scenario the answer would be pucker up and develop a taste for lemons. I would prefer to tell the lemon to move its selfish ass out of the way but that’s just me.”
Stunned silence tastes good. Tired cranky traveler stupidtom loses yet another potential friend on an airplane. I wonder if I have made some kind of list with United yet… something to think about.