Sitting here in the eye doctor is a sure sign I am aging. I did a training last week and for the first time in the front of the room I had to have my glasses on or at least within reach. I usually tilt them up on my head but the baldness leaves a trail of nose bridge thingy indentations that took me aback when I saw them in the mirror. At one point I was on a pretty good roll and had to bring the participants along with me to a page number I could not make out. I grabbed my reading spectacles from the podium and tried to use one lens magnifying glass style with less than stellar results. I already had the appointment set for lunch time today as the old vision has been acting up for a while but that annoyed the hell out of me.
Anyway, I am writing as I have already been through the entire exam, taken the creepy pictures of my inner eye, and been through the better or worse game. Now I am sitting with a woman who is trying to up-sell fashion frames based on taste to a person with a Coors Light and Diet Coke pallet. She has brought out all 30 frames capable of fitting my larger than average coconut and I hate them all. The ones she is off asking questions about are great except for a weird gold accent at both temples. The question I have her asking is if that can be removed either by the factory or if I can take the frames and sand it off then spray-paint black over it before they mount the million dollar lenses.
I am being difficult on purpose as she tried the worst attempts at flattery to move me toward the upgrades. I started out nicely declining but the more she pushed the worse I became until her final shot “You can barely see it and the gold accent gives you a little distinguished style.” to which I replied “Do I look like a Pimp to you? I want plain and I’ll either get that or I’ll order some birth control frames from an Army surplus store that you can retrofit.” I am really looking for some old school military frames because the new one are hideous but they seem like they are trying too hard. The lenses are a weird shape and the stems attach 3/4 of the way up with two bolts on each side. I want the old ones that look like clear lens Ray Bans. Probably not going to get them this trip but I just spotted a way to have a little fun before I head back to work.
There is a pair of Women’s frames that Liberace would be proud to wear and I’m going to ask if I can try those on. Deadpan delivery will be the key to success. Here she comes…
I tried them on and she had no words. They were clearly not wide enough and when I asked her what she thought she stammered her way through explaining that the narrow width would make filling my prescription difficult blah blah blah. I admired myself well past the point of comfort but then it was time to leave. This purchase is going to leave a mark this close to the holidays but what can you do. Seeing is something I enjoy and consider myself lucky to be correctionless for this long. I wonder what the hell she will say to her coworkers after I walk out the door? It’s the little things that make me happy.