Cell Phone Steam Vent

I am an extreme cell service customer. I spend a metric shit ton of money on a service that Gene Roddenberry promised me would be free and while I’m thinking about it that asshole also implied that I wouldnt really need money by now… But I am resigned to this fate and will continue to pay while I wait for my children to slowly go on their own plans and or technology to render the entire system useless. But what I will not stand for is paying more than I should. I am not an unreasonable man. I fully understand the miracle and curse of a constantly connected world and the benefits, for now, outweigh the creepy tracking of it all. However, my bill has reached a tipping point.

So, I called the folks at American Telephone and Telegraph to see if anything could be done about the account. After confirming that I in fact had the best available program for my situation I asked to be transferred to the department who could tell me what a cancellation as of today would cost. After ten minutes of verbal dancing I finally arrived at the number which was surprisingly low. This would explain why they were so reluctant to give it to me. If some of the other carriers are even remotely close to their claims of saving half then the move would pay for itself in under six months. If everyone on my plan wanted new phones that number pushes out to a year and a half but still nothing to sneeze at. (I stubbed my brain on that the second I typed it. Who can sneeze on demand and when did that become a way to look down on something? I would think sneezing at something would put an exclamation point on it but I am not in charge of language and rightfully so)

Once I relayed this fact to the dude on the other end of the phone he really didn’t care. I think people switching away for a better deal is just a thing at that company now. He didn’t even try to make a save. He also confirmed that I had a pretty sweet deal (for AT&T service) and any changes that he could do would just cost me more money. It was actually quite sad. I asked if he had any amazing deals to stop my switch (and save me the total ass pain of shopping around) and he said “unfortunately, no.”

I will head to their flagship store conveniently located mere moments from my house this evening to see if a live in person ass chewing will produce different results but my hopes are not high. I did have a little fun earlier before I got off the phone with the sad sack on the other end. I asked him if the calls were recorded and if he could recommend that one be listened to by higher ups. He confirmed what I already knew so after answering Good, I cleared my throat.

“Please tell the head Dick Whistle in charge that people are leaving because you are average. You do nothing better than your competition and you charge more for your mediocrity. Go ahead and charge more but deliver MORE. You dumbshits are sinking a former monopoly and all the acquisitions in the world wont save you if you turn it in to more average crap at an inflated price.”

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