OK fair warning. This is my first time ever trying to use the voice dictation thing on my iPad. I have no idea if this is going to work but I’m gonna let it just post however it translates my words. So get ready for a shit show. Enter delete backspace backspace ha ha Ha ha ha that’s funny I was trying to and trying to make it go to another line. Probably should have read up on this thing to see what the commands were. Too late now pressing on. Maybe I just need to say

Yep, the words new and paragraph did the trick.
So today I decided to take the mini white wolf out into the freezing cold because she loves it. This was an in Normas mistake. Wait! I just noticed that I was trying to say in Ormus… dammit screwed it up again. E Normas, holy shit why can’t this thing figure out the word EN ORMO US. OK spelling isn’t a thing for me I guess. Crabcakes I guess I’m going to have to learn other words. Taking that damn dog out back was a huge mistake as the second we got out back she saw something running and took off after it pulling me down the stairs. At first I was laughing because it hadn’t started to hurt yet but after my hips crashed against to the deck steps the joke was over. Lying there in the snow with my shoulder half out of the socket still holding onto the leash I was swearing up a storm like Yosemite Sam when he was no longer famous and strung out on drugs. I watched way too many Looney Tunes as a kid and all of the characters have back stories and after stories. You don’t want to know what happened to poor tweety. Now back to the damn dog.
I should also tell you that she has to go out back on the leash because the fence isn’t Francine proof so if she sees something she wants she can easily get to it. The trick we have devised is you take her out on a leash then you keep her busy by throwing something to her or playing with her in the snow and she forgets all about the fence that really is an offense. Isn’t a fence. dammit that’s screwed up sentence is funnier than the one I would’ve written. I’m getting frustrated and ready to declare this experiment a failure. But I will push on for the sake of science. Or stubborn adherence to a failed concept.

The dog literally kicked the shit out of me. I’m hobbling around like 100-year-old man with an artificial hip and my right shoulder feels like it’s grinding, like there’s gravel in the gears. Sprinkle on a little bit a backache and then add some knee pain just for flavor and you have the recipe for the hot mess that is me right now. I even had to lower the stupid standing desk down to a seated position this afternoon because it hurts too bad to be on my knee slash hip slash complete suspension system. I took a fistful of ibuprofen and now I’m just starting to feel a little closer to write. Or right. How in the hell does it here the word right wrong the first time and right the second time. Crap screwed it up again. Maybe this thing hates shitty writing. Backspace? You see I was trying to actually backspace over that. And insert a? And it didn’t work. Wow, this is bad even buy my standards.

To sum this all up the dog kick my ass and I am terrible at speaking into this tablet. I am not however declaring this technology dead as I was the dumbass who decided to try and do it without learning one single thing about it first. I would bet with a couple of seconds reading on the Internet I could’ve figured out the tricks and this would’ve been 100 times better. Oh well. Period. Wait, that was supposed to be…

A video of me talking to this thing will be twice as funny as anything written because it’s like watching Stephen Hawking in reverse.

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