This new year brings a new twist in my marital relationship with the breach last night of a long time understanding. Some overall poor decision making which included not eating dinner, AKA putting down a base, followed by overindulgence including the mixing of various concoctions, beers, and shots, topped off with some questionable eating choices that found me clearing some appetizers off the board and sampling various birthday cakes, all lead to the predictable trip to the porcelain before bed for some much needed pressure relief. My system works kind of like a volcano. The acid lava flow in the back of my throat at bedtime is a clear indication that eruption is eminent and my body sounds the alarm.
As I was yelling at the toilet in full body convulsion alternating with panting for breath and delightful cold sweat I heard giggling from elsewhere in the house. As I stumbled my way into the bed I was hit with the disturbing news that a text had been sent to our children announcing my performance. The agreement that was violated has held beyond the length of our marriage and that was to hold the other’s misdeeds, make fun at will as long as no one else is around, but the story is the sole property of the bad actor. If that person decides to release said same story to the public, or in this case to our children, then it is fair game. No more sanctions against ridicule exist. All bets are off.
By tattling to the kids she has ushered in a new era in our affiliation as is evident by me writing about her now. I have no idea what this ultimately means but I can tell you that she does some hilarious shit on a regular basis which bodes well for writing in this thing. Time will tell but I need to chose my counterattack carefully.