I had to dust off an old favorite today and it made me smile. When you are young and still getting yelled at for swearing you need to get creative with the things you call your peers. When everyone around me was using butt hole, anus, tool, or jackass, all with the hopes that the use could be defended as nonoffensive parts of the language, I went for the other end. (there is no way that pile of commas is the correct way to punctuate that horrible sentence) If I had a signature disparaging phrase that was it. Once regular swearing became okay or at least no one would rat you out and we were smart enough to not do it within earshot of adults I moved on more descriptive and shocking things. But I always help a special place in my heart for ol’ D-Hole.
I would use it later in life whenever I would remember it and go on a streak but then for some reason it would fade. Dudes don’t spend a ton of time thinking about the opening to their hose until someone mentions it. It is one of those things you use all the time but never acknowledge its existence. I might be a little more in tune that the average user as I needed surgery on mine in my youth but I was using the word before the doctors discovered my flow issues. Now that I think about it that might have been one of those Karma boomerangs coming back around and hitting me square in the crotch. Damn Karma.
Anyway, I had to make what is becoming a regular series of calls to the evil empire that is Comcast. They are trying to get everyone to call them Xfinity or some other made up bullshit to cloud their past bad reputation but once I meet you I struggle with name changes. Plus no one is fooled. Shit could change it’s name to The Constant Reminder of the Miraculous Human Body’s Ability to Remove Life Sustaining Nutrients from Food and everyone would still know its Shit. But as always I digress.
Basically, I got an email about an offer that gave me double the service at the lake for the same price I pay now and I wanted it. The dude on the other end of the phone was not willing or able to help but he was attempting passive aggressive arguing which caused me to shift into aggressive aggressive. I won’t bore you with the back and forth and in case I forget to sum up I ultimately got the deal from a supervisor. During our banter I mentioned that his incompetence was causing me discomfort. He decided to get cute and use the hospital “on a scale from one to ten how uncomfortable are you?” I answered with a question of my own:
“Do you know what a bottle brush is?” He said he did. “The customer service you are currently providing feels like someone is trying to cram a bottle brush down my dickhole so a ten doesn’t begin to describe this situation.” He had no pithy response and I was transferred to a supervisor. Oh the power of the dickhole. I’ve missed you old friend.