yup, I am nuts

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This is a terrible surveillance picture of my elderly arch nemesis. He stalks my wife and since an incident a couple weeks ago he now tries to watch the house from my blind spot. I think I mentioned that I flipped someone off a while back who was standing on the sidewalk by my driveway… same dude. Shortly after taking this picture I knocked on the window until he looked up and scurried away as fast as his old legs would carry him. He lives a couple blocks behind us but I have been banned from screwing with him unprovoked. That’s the real reason I had the camera at the ready after he strolled across my window. An unclaimed dog crap would count as shots fired and I would be free to launch one of my pre planned attacks.

Here’s where things get sticky as I don’t want to be sitting in court staring at blown up screen shots of stupidtom so I will tell you about my least favorite plan and you can be the judge on the untold. He lives in a house perfectly suited for a gutter pull. Generic clothesline is purchased towns away with cash and thrown into the rental car. This is an in neighborhood night opp so the license plates will be removed as a cautionary measure. The rope is thrown through all front facing downspout gaps using a proven proprietary technique then the weight is removed and a slip knot is cinched up tight. There are only three available that will elude detection and those are all close enough to be gathered into a single knot in the front yard.

These bindings have to be done to the point of excess and the rope doubled up at every joint. Those are then tied securely to at least three ropes leading back to the car. The triple rope will be tied around the passenger seat post and go out the open window to minimize rental car damage. That just leaves hitting the gas and driving away fast. Lots could happen here. At the bare minimum, all three junctions will be pulled away from the system but most likely a length or three of gutter and downspout will come along for the ride. This will be noisy as all hell and attract attention so you had better be moving. Preliminary scouting has the victim in close proximity to a frontage road which will help mask the sound because the highway is right there and it will be a convenient place to cut the rope.

If everything goes as planned the whole thing shouldn’t take more than a half hour or so. Putting the plates back on can happen the next day because the car will be in the closed garage. This might seem extreme but the dude has made my wife uncomfortable in more than one confrontation and has scolded my children’s friends for picking them up and daring to be parked partially on the sidewalk. During our only face to back of the head conversation I suggested he alter his walking pattern but he pretended the three hundred pound angry mutant yelling wasn’t there. I consider that fair warning.

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