Last Class

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I flew at the ass end of an impossibly long plane this morning. I had no idea there was a row 41 but there I sat. This is what happens when a trip is planned at the last minute on a popular route. Well, the first leg was popular, but I’ll get to that in a minute. I was riding with a young married couple who didn’t seem like they travel by air a bunch. They were pissed or more accurately the wife was not happy with the husbands seat choice. At one point she was talking about safety and tried to bring me in as a witness for the prosecution but all of those years of police drama have made me a crafty expert on the stand. Plus I felt bad for my young brother. Her point was proximity to the exit in case of emergency and she was looking for me to agree.

“At least they can’t back one of these big babies into a mountain am I right? I would say we are on the short list of potential survivors if we plow into the Rockies down there.”

She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the flight. He apologized as we were disembarking and I told him it was okay but he should get used to that. Seemed like sorry for no good reason might become a survival skill in the near future. With the San Francisco leg of the trip endured I walked over to my layover gate and traveled through time.

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That little plane on the left was mine and United was good enough to park a van next to it for scale. This is one gate turned expertly into four with the use of highway construction concrete dividers and giant orange cones. I thought the dividers were overkill until I realized they might be there to prevent something from easily running us over. The highlight of that trip was sitting down next to the second biggest guy on the plane and then having the flight attendant ask for three volunteers to redistribute weight while staring right at me. I went to the back again where I was greeted by a pair of empty seats which meant I could raise the armrest and make a flying loveseat. I was however denied my super-seat-belt when I asked for the extender and she told me I wouldn’t need it. I should have just looked ashamed and said yes I did but I told her the truth and said I wanted it to buckle the aisle belt to the window buckle. Nope.

This entire trip was flown in Worst Class and it really wasn’t so bad. I did come up with an idea for an airline… They should put first class in the back. They get on first and are allowed to eat and drink while everyone else is boarding. The peasants all walk by while they are trying to luxuriate. They might get pissed about having to wait to get off but keep the party going with another drink upon landing. Just a thought but its a good one if I do say so myself.

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