I have been struggling with the second half of my bad travel day post because I know that I took things too far. This is not an excuse but merely an attempt to catch you up with back story. So flight delayed causing connection troubles that meant jogging from one end of Denver terminal to the other. By the time I got to the gate they were waiting for me which is never a good sign. Got on the plane and had been bumped up to the front of the bus which was great news for a long flight. I settled in to my seat and as is the custom in first class I was asked if I wanted something to drink. I naturally replied “beer please.”
They look at you a little funny because you are technically supposed to serve you something you will finish before take off and I was the last to board but they don’t know me and I assured them that everything would work out. The older dude seated at the window hit me with a full on look of disgust as if I had already delayed his important trip to Chicago and my beer would further impede his progress. I tried to make some small talk while I waited for the can of refreshment to appear talking about the pain of airport running but he ignored me. He was reading a book that I am sure was meant to impress his fellow captains of industry.
I drank my beer and off we went. Throughout the trip he made it very clear that he was above everything and everyone. Even when the flying waitress brought him his carbonated tap water from a foreign land thanking him for his Global status, he barely grunted. Even the meal selection was beneath him as he answered but cutting her off mid menu with a hard NOTHING FOR ME. But I was in a giant seat with free flowing beer so life was pretty good. At one point I shifted in my seat and put my feet up on the bulkhead and he hit me with a “Do you mind?” The only answer I could come up with was No, not at all but had no real idea what we were talking about. I must have fallen asleep because a while later his little bird bladder required relieving and he nudged into my legs. When I looked up he cleared his throat and looked at the roadblock before him. I moved my legs but as I came around I began to get annoyed.
Could have been the beer or being woken from a delightful nap but when he got back by legs were up again he repeated the disapproving grunt. I moved my legs but Saltytom had boarded the aircraft and wanted to speak out. “Most people just say excuse me, they don’t bring up increasing amounts of phlegm, but congratulations you must be the Yoda of talking down to people as you just did it without using words.” He mumbled something with a sour face and completely my fault for not fully hearing as I failed to remove my ear buds but I went on the attack none the less. “Global status makes you pretty special but what do you look like compared to the truly successful people who can afford to fly private jets? I know THEY never have some random peasant upgraded to the seat next to them… Poor people problems am I right?”
He then pressed the waitress button above his head and asked if there were any other seats available. I took it as he was trying to have me moved being the big global shooter that he was so I shifted from salty to radioactive. Once he was informed that it was a full flight and he made his displeasure felt I began to sketch him.
I already had the iPad out to watch a movie so it was no big deal. I was really just waiting for him to notice and once he did I told him the title. “I’m calling it ASSHAT. Get it? You’re an ass in a hat..” No response. Trapped in a flying metal tube with an angry idiot who didn’t belong. I am hoping that he dictated some type of journal entry to his personal assistant during the limo ride home starring yours truly… Anyhow, the picture must have pissed him off because about a half hour later he basically ordered me to stop interacting with him and here is where I probably crossed the line.
“I will comply but I feel the need to thank you for helping me pass the time. I keep going through the different scenarios of standing up and pummeling you. Right now the only thing I know for sure is that neither your jaunty hat nor your super cool blue glasses survive any scenario. Have a nice rest of the flight.”
I am no lawyer but I would bet I violated something with that little outburst. This is also one of those scenarios that will come back to bite me at a point in the future. I’ll be at a job interview or applying for a loan and in will walk sweater vest matching glasses big shot. Oh well, I’ll blow up that bridge when I get to it.