So I was wrestling with the boy last night, an exercise that is getting harder by the day I should add, and the brain of my electronic leash dislodged. The Fitbit was a gift from Santa and I have grown used to its presence and constant reporting on my activity or lack there of so I was more upset than I would have thought. (deep mental breath after that horrible run-on sentence) After completing my normal grid pattern search of all areas where I had been during the battle I still had no luck. This little bean of a thing was working hard to evade detection and even though my phone could connect to it the dumb ass application has no way to play hot or cold with me.
I downloaded a couple apps claiming to be able to help but those things couldn’t find my wife’s Fitbit when it was touching the phone so I went another route. I have turned three rooms inside out like I was cleaning up a crime scene and still no luck. So right now my leading theory is that a member of the household animal herd has consumed the damn thing thus rendering it forever unclean and therefore dead to me. It is just a thing but I am nonetheless annoyed.
Before I get to the rest of this tale I need to tell you that I will not spend another ten cents on one of these things. The finder app that cost money got returned almost immediately and the refund has already been processed. Because I am a glutton for punishment I decided to contact the company to see if there was some top secret way they could help me find it. Rather than the phone route I decided that live chat would work. It was accessed through the same helpful area that told me “Look near your laundry if you use a clip-on tracker. Many customers find that these trackers wind up in the dirty clothes pile.” so I was not expecting miracles.
Anyway, the experience was a shitshow as predicted and I was already irritable so when the chatbot started asking me some questions that my pre-school teacher wife would ask her class as they hunted for the big red ball in the middle of the room I gave up. But I couldn’t leave without giving them something to read. Even if I was typing to a computer algorithm my hope is that certain key words get kicked out to a human being for review.
“I put it in my ass so I wouldn’t have to wear that annoying rubber bracelet but I forgot I would have to charge it. When I dug around I couldn’t feel it anywhere so I was trying to figure out if it was traveling upstream through my digestive track. No big deal, I’m sure it will work itself out in the end.”
Luckily my natural distrust of all forms internet had me fill out the pre-chat registry will all false information. But hopefully I make some kind of weird customer hall of fame within that company.