Colonoscopy Day… I’ve had worse

This is one of those things that everyone over a certain age is supposed to do. Even if you aren’t afraid of ass cancer you should still get your plumbing checked out after a half century of use. But I should also tell you that I am not a big doctor guy. I would be more comfortable in an era where you only sought out medical attention if something wasn’t quite right. With that in mind this trip to the sewer cam specialist was brought to me by the first official visit to a doctor in more than a decade.
I won’t go too far down that road because it’s more like a personal official stance than a fear based on what they charge and the need to constantly find something to justify all of those student loans. Whoops, that was further than I had hoped. Anyway, at said same physical, I was basically ordered to to have fiber optics crammed up my hind end. So I agreed and the date was set for today which gave me little wiggle room to cancel or postpone.
I screwed a bunch up on this one. First was the colon blow prep work. A clerical error on my part had me eating twelve hours into the prescribed preparatory fasting zone. I was supposed to cease cramming food down my gullet at midnight Sunday instead my brain read noon Monday. This led to a written reprimand on my permanent medical record “preparation of the colon was poor.” Blew me right back to High School. The only thing missing was the doctor noting something about me not living up to my potential.
The next misstep falls under the heading of transportation. I was told that I could not drive myself to or from the event so I immediately thought Uber. My ride there went like a charm. $11 all in, no fuss, no muss. Then when I got up to register they asked who was driving me home. I answered that it would depend on which driver was closest. It was then and only then that I was told of a strict anti-ride-share-taxi policy that can’t be found in any of the written material.
Texts were sent and calls were made but no resolution was found until well after I was rolled on my side and knocked out. By the time I awoke, and I am counting the anxious time with my eyes closed searching my nerve endings for any sign of downstairs troubles, my brother was on his way. A generous gesture from one sibling to another who didn’t completely grasp or research his circumstances.


As I sit here binging Netflix and typing this to you from the couch my now empty box of Suprep (trademark registered because the colon cleaning business is apparently more cut throat than I ever imagined) is laughing at me. The penalty for my aforementioned poor preparation is that I have to come back in a meer 5 years. I hereby vow that nextime I will deliver the cleanest colon my doctor has ever seen. A 3 day watermelon fast BEFORE the bowel blow should do the trick but I have plenty of time to conduct research.

I will end this with a quick Public Service Announcement that I have thought they should use for years and might have even made me show up earlier than this. Get Your Shit Checked

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s