Dear fellow passenger

I am talking to you seemingly wealthy and way too comfortable flying guy. You are an impressive specimen with your brand name everything and willingness to say it out loud. The trouble is that like me you did not get bumped to the front of the bus so we are trapped with the rabble in business class and at the bulkhead no less. So your demands on the cart pushing flight attendant version of a prison library trustee were justifiably ignored.
I did enjoy the part where you asked if she could hang your “Burberry Heritage” somewhere up in first class. Like your jacket couldn’t be allowed to fly with the stench of poor all over it. If the entire name was meant to impress you could not have picked a more fashion ignorant seat mate. In fact, I kind of thought you were wearing a dead relatives rain coat to be completely honest.
Anyway, I also had no idea that Louis Vuitton made backpacks for men and when you said Christopher I just thought you gave the thing a ridiculously formal nickname. I’m not sure if you caught the slight brow furrow and head tilt from our hostess but I sure did. If you ever end up in some kind of Douche Zoo (feel free to make that your band name) you will see a lot of that as folks try and make sense of your existence.
You were also very strong to allow it to rub up against the lesser bags overhead when she rudely wouldn’t allow it to ride on the floor under your effeminately crossed legs. Bravo sir. So close to first class that you could smell the free drinks but no place to tuck your travel acoutremon. I will also admit that I did worry for a second about you concealing some genetically modified tiny pet inside but you gave it up too quickly.
I was mildly entertained until you removed both of your leather driving moccasins. I know I said I didn’t know fashion but the giant logo allowed me to look them up on my phone before we took off. $700 seems steep but if you have that kind of money spend it as you wish I guess. It’s the pretension that you are in your living room and everyone around you will just be okay with your feet out. I don’t care how wealthy you are keep your shoes on. This goes double if you are going to cross your legs at connecting knees thus presenting me with the bottom of your foot.
You finally noticed my scowl because you made direct eye contact. After you quickly looked away and kept you tiny foot in my vicinity I declared you an enemy. That is why, after a nice explanation by the crew about the six people with close connections who needed to get off first due to our delay, I tapped you on the shoulder as you began to rise.
Sad that those were the only two words we exchanged. Even as we were grabbing our luggage together. You pulling off your third LV bag while my Boba Fett Samsonite (Two can play at this brand name dropping game)followed directly behind I tried to smile as I grabbed it but you turned away. Oh well, another potential friend lost.
PS. If you are so rich then why do you have to fly commercial? I’m sure there are plenty of private planes willing to fly between Boston and Chicago…

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