I had to run to the store last night as our current fleet of vehicles has some players out with injury so I get to use a car when one is available. I am a targeted shopper. I like to know exactly what I am going for and don’t meander around much. I started my shop and everything was going great as two items out of ten were crossed off of my list. As I put that second item in my half-cart-special-needs-clown-trolly or whatever those things are officially called I happened to look up and see what I could only imagine was patient zero in the inevitable zombie apocalypse.

His eyes were so red that they appeared to be bleeding. The skin around them including his cheeks and  nose were a striking combination of pale and freshly scratched pink. Glancing at his lips immediately made me thirsty and then he inhaled long and deep but with a distinct styrofoam rubbing against another piece quality.

The cough that followed was longer, louder, and had more base than anything I had ever heard before. I was like an animal barking that only consumed metal shavings its entire existence. They were whole body coughs as well. He had to let go of his normal full sized cart just to finish the process. I am pretty sure some internal parts of him were ruptured during that event. When he finished he happened to glance in my direction with his one eye that wasn’t glued shut by his industrial strength conjunctivitis and I panicked.

I closed my mouth and tried to hold my breath but my internal defense systems had already sealed the bulkhead doors a good thirty seconds prior so now I was reaching my limits of unprepared breath holding. As I took advantage of the mini-cart turning radius I realized that my system probably sealed everything up without taking one last gasp of lifegiving air. By the time I made it to relative safety I was seeing spots. The last thing you want to be in a potential pandemic exposure situation is the guy who died passed out on the floor behind an embarrassing partial cart.

After I regained my faculties I had to rethink my whole shopping plan. The rest of the trip was spent avoiding the plague and anyone my brain said might have been within cough shrapnel range. I got out of the store in roughly double the normal time but with reasonable certainty that I was not a carrier. Also due to the Purell station that I basically bathed in on my way out. Side Note: Purell is kind of tolerable in your nose but I do not recommend oral rinse and spit decontamination.

I did not mention any of this to the wife just in case I woke up “turned” and needed a quick snack. If all the Zombie lore is even part true you slow down a bit in that state and I am not fast to begin with…

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