I’m not sure if this is happening all around the country so spoiler alert if its not and I don’t apologize because I feel targeted. That was an impressively long initial point completely avoiding sentence and now, feeling the need to comment on said same, I have increased the delay. He looked around for a track to get back on… Oh, there it is…
In the cab on the way home Friday night I noticed an electronic billboard that announced Hawaiian Punch was now available at McDonald’s. This hit me square in the seven-year old self and I was transported back in time. This drink was one of my childhoods ultimate treats. So sweet and delicious that you knew you were doing something wrong when you drank it. And so many other ways it could get you in trouble.
Their commercials were an oddly dressed cartoon character skipping along with a glass of this elixir then coming across what I think was supposed to be an adult and asking “How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?” When the adult would answer with a “sure” Punchy as he would be later known would smack him in the face knocking him out and continue skipping along on his merry way.
This DID NOT make it okay to hit your little brother after asking the same question and getting the same answer. I am also positive that the original formula contained that toxic red dye that eventually got banned because it could stain anything. (I think it was banned due to causing cancer or some other evil not its stainability. I confused myself with that last sentence) If you spilled even one drop of that crap on anything you were in deep because it wasnt coming out.
I had a friend drop some after attempting to punch the holes in the top of the can without adult assistance and before we could rescue the rolling disaster it was seeping into the grout on the tile floor. I know if I could find that house today and if they had never replaced the flooring the stain would still be there but no one would tolerate a crime scene in their kitchen for that much time.
I should explain the punch holes in the top thing for those too young to understand. Hawaiian Punch, Hi C, and other drinks came in what is now best described as a giant soup can. You had to search out the bottle opener in the house that had the sharp metal triangle on one side and dig it into the top of the can opening a nickle sized triangular hole for pouring. But you also had to make a smaller vent hole on the opposite side of the top so the liquid would pour smoothly out lest you spilled everywhere as mentioned earlier.
Some of you might be thinking “how did you seal it back up?” and the answer was that you didn’t. This was Crack before that was a thing so it didn’t last long in the fridge even with just two kids attacking it. In a time of just get a drink from the hose, this stuff was nothing short of amazing.
So, as I was heading home and traveling back in time, I couldn’t help but congratulate McDonald’s. If they release the McRib anytime soon keep an eye out in our local papers for a large man dying in his car with an unbreakable smile and oddly stained facial hair.