Happy sale day

I woke up to a bloated personal email inbox just because we have entered the month of my birth. 36 birthday related offers from every business that is keeping track of such things. I read them all and have kept 4 that seem mildly interesting but that’s not the point of this writing.

The majority of these emails were designed to get me to buy something but they have had the opposite effect. I just opted out of more than 20 mailing lists and am canceling 2 reoccurring monthly memberships. The marketing mistake is alerting me all at once BEFORE the holidays.

This forced me to do some Jethro Bodine style ciphering (too young to understand the reference? Look it up) and it all added up to wasted money. This was a long lead up to explain that one of the companies required a phone call to complete the operation.

I knew this was an attempt to save my business and I was fully prepared to take a ride on the scripted customer service system. What they weren’t prepared for is my level of crazy and some time to kill on this blustery day. We started by going through the normal stuff about keeping my business and a price reduction offer.

When we finally got to the part where they wanted to know why I was canceling I told them that the voices in my head were telling me to cut expenses and if I don’t listen, something bad is going to happen. The silence after you drop words like that is palpable and something you either love or hate.

I’m in love with derailing scripts so you can guess where I land. I really should figure out how to record one of these. I almost felt bad because the dude on the other end of the call was rattled. But then he hit me with the three months free final offer so I knew he was back in the game. The best advice for acting crazy over the phone involves repeating yourself and mixing up your rhythm tone and pitch. With that in mind I’ll write what I said that got my account canceled.

No no no no not again not again not again not again not again where do you live where do you live where do you work what is your full name no no no no not again not again not again

I have this dream that I am on training tapes at companies all over the land of customer service. It’s good to have goals.

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