I received a call from the IRS today and got all excited because I knew it was a scam. It didn’t take long for me to figure out that it wouldn’t be as entertaining as I thought. His opening line after realizing I wasn’t going to hang up was something about me being in trouble for delinquent taxes and if I didn’t settle up over the phone he would be forced to call the police.

I countered with “What is the IRS?” and when he didn’t immediately answer I asked “What does IRS stand for?” He didn’t know but decided to press the call the police thing. So, shitty, I really wanted to play. I don’t think he had worked there long because he went from professional IRS man to yelling threatener guy in a matter of seconds.

After listening for a bit I realized he had no talent for telephone intimidation either. This is so disappointing. If you have to do a shit job you should dominate some aspect if not the whole thing. This dude might not know it yet but people willing to give him credit card information over the phone so the cops don’t show up are going to be scarce.

He really needs to step up his game. When I told him to go ahead and call the cops he didn’t have a good counter. When I asked which one of my six houses he was sending them to his weak answer was the one I was at…

*pro tip: when aggravating foreign telemarketers play up the rich American stereotype. It’s how they justify stealing the money so playing to that helps ramp up the tension.

The talent pool must be drying up wherever he is located because this was a truly poor experience. Most of these guys will at least walk you through the script before breaking and once they do only a small percentage can hang insult for insult.

They default to some weak insults about things you do with your mother and then when you start talking about their mommy things go sideways.

It’s too bad because as talking on the telephone becomes more scarce all of the texting scams are going to be handled by computer. That seems like a bunch of no fun.

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