nice try Waltons

There was a handicapable, err… alternately enabled, err… magical unicorn of a human who also happened to be a complete spaz. He had so much going on it was hard to keep track but there was no choice because I was held captive in his line. Let me explain.

Wal-Mart is controlled by a cabal of evil geniuses and their latest cost saving move is to drive everyone into the self checkout pen so 9 simultaneous transactions can be poorly supervised and assisted by one employee. But they still have all of that store real estate consumed by rarely staffed regular lanes so they put a courtesy checker in there for the old and stubborn. (which I am both) Before we go any further and you start asking yourself why I don’t just take my business elsewhere I should let you know that in some regards I am also cheap so saving between $20 and $40 per trip on consumables makes it hard for me to stop.

Anyway, they don’t put their best people on the live register because anyone with fully functioning brain matter is over Pit Bossing the self check. You get the has to sit down employee, or the way too talkative for the big show checker, all designed to make you give up and check yourself out. So I never go there without a pile of time on my hands to prevent potential inflammatory situations.

The aforementioned spaz for lack of a better politically correct alternative moniker was a show unto himself. He sand every item across the scanner which meant that he first had to read and understand what each item was. And if there were multiples of the same thing he had to relearn each one as if the previous did not occur. It was exhausting and enchanting all rolled into one.

When it was my turn I tried speeding things up by announcing items as he grabbed them. This only added time to the overall process as he would politely confirm my diagnosis with a polite YUP as he placed it into the bag carousel. So I decided to lean in and confirm his singing announcement to the bag to see if that might start the whole process over or possibly make it stop. The exchange went like this:

me: 24 rolls of toilet paper

him: [singing] Great Value Ultra Strong Bath Tissue 24 pack. YUP

me: Great Value Ultra Strong Bath Tissue 24 pack!

*and yes I tried reading exactly what the item was to no avail which I think means he didn’t change his awesome behavior one bit.

Try what you will Wal-Mart but if you want me to avoid your checkers you will need to raise your prices so I avoid your store completely. I am a better man for having interacted with that dude. Thank you.

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