appliance

I have been suffering from a self diagnosed case of overactive brain syndrome. Not that any of you care but I am up to my ass in alligators and every time I’ve sat down to write in this thing I have drawn a blank. And then yesterday I had a fleeting funny thought but I went to cook something on the stove and encountered a broken vent fan. When I say broken I mean the button had been mashed with the force normally reserved for the Hi Striker game at the carnival. And then because I’m not here all the time someone cleverly figured out that using tools could wiggle the button back into a useable position. That is until I hamhandedly tried to get it to work and according to my appliance guy broke the board behind it.

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If you don’t have an appliance guy its okay because they spend most of their time explaining why all of the parts required for what appears to be a simple fix would cost roughly one and a half times the amount it would take to buy brand new. Instead you pay him a hundred and a half to switch something on the motherboard which turns the light button into a working fan button and now a light just ceases to be a feature. That was probably too much and I should have just grabbed a new version but right now I got no time to set up an install and want to research the new one for a while. Like a year while.

That fan thing sidetracked me to the point that I forgot what I found funny about going out back with the dogs and sliding down three deck stairs on my ass and back. As I lie there going through a systems check before attempting to move I couldnt help but wonder what would happen if I were really hurt. The idiot dogs would be no help because we don’t own Lassie. And my family pays loose attention to my whereabouts as they pop in and out of the house. The funny thought has truely left my mind but it had something to do with me wearing one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” buttons and then I think it morphed into an invention idea for me and my friends at the lake.

I’ll keep scratching at that one until I remember

Awesome and awful

I have a friend who once played right in to my stubborn assness. We were at the lake with the boys and the half bath toilet seat broke. We were at the Hooterville hardware store looking for a seat when he picked up one of those squishy ones from the eighties and declared “no one would ever buy one of these!

Sold.

And every year since it’s installation My friend has forgotten about its existence or been forced due to capacity or contamination to sit on the bubblegum seat. And every time he does an exclamation of disgust is followed by mumbled swearing which makes me endlessly happy.

And like the gift that keeps on giving he sent me an email the other day that has me thinking about learning to knit.

Axe hole

Last week jammed me up. It was a long week and a good one but it put me on my heels this weekend. The Friday night stay was due to an office not-so-holiday party. It was at an axe throwing place and we were all dressed like the workers.

This is me losing my semifinal match and I can’t say I was pissed. I lucked my way through my own bracket by following their exhausting steps. Then my opponent and friend suggested I try one handed while we were practicing for our quarterfinal match. So much easier because I wasn’t chanting steps in my skull. Just see the target hit the target.

Anyhow, good times and I scored a “serious wood” shirt for my wardrobe and just finished retiring the one it will replace. One thing in one thing out. Cold as a snowman’s a-hole up there but some days are sure pretty.

Okay, the city seems trapped in the eighties but the sky and those clouds of life preserving steam are what I was talking about. And now if you’ll excuse me I need to search for an axe throwing league around here. I like obscure and rarely applicable life skills.

You know you’re getting older

A getting out of bed injury. Yup, I wrote that. Please allow me to explain. My company is based in scenic St. Paul Minnesota which means I spend a lot of time here. Specifically in a certain hotel that is just two human habitrail tubes away from headquarters. In the almost eight years at this company I have stayed in what I thought was every possible room configuration until this trip.

This one has a weird dividing wall between the bed and an equally strange two chair seating area. The problem with the wall other than blocking the climate control system is that with the king sized bed in place there is only about a foot of room on both sides. I would never get out of bed on the floor to ceiling curtain side for a number of reasons probably best served by another post.

I awoke in the middle of the night to visit the plumbing and forgetting the lack of clearance I got up as normal in the dark. I banged my head and face against the wallpaper and fell sideways back on the bed. There was some internal clicking and popping which had me hunched over and limping.

Whatever I pulled connects to my back and also involves some rib cage structural components making parts of sitting and breathing a real treat. I’m a couple pain relievers in so things are beginning to level out. Holy shit I’m getting old.

Anyhow, I’m keeping this one under wraps (said the idiot typing it on the internet) because I’m not positive that I dismount a bed correctly. I found myself wondering if other people have some kind of measured, two feet on the floor, stand straight up approach. Completely opposed to my own style of freeing one leg from blanket entanglement and flinging that appendage over the side. The rest of me follows in a controlled fall type dismount that conservatively requires four feet of clearance.

Research is now required.

Tense

I was worried about this travel day because I started to get a bunch of travel warnings both from the home airport and my destination. The airline was trying to get me to switch flights but I’ve seen that trap and want no part of it. They convince you to switch to another one that will “be more likely to leave on time” only to jam you into an unsold middle seat. Hard NO.

And once I finally landed in scenic St. Paul it was right during rush hour constant snow low visibility time. This added to the fact that my driver was no good in the weather made for a clenched sphincter ride to the hotel. I had to relax down there before exiting the vehicle because I had inadvertently gripped the seat cover if you catch what I’m throwing.

Before I would sign his phone with my finger I got him to admit this was his second driving snow storm ever and he did not like it. I also asked if the constant stream of noise tumbling out of his mouth was singing or praying. Prayer was confirmed and I suggested he go home for the night.

I thought about taking his picture en route but breaking his concentration seemed like a bad idea. Travel. Is. Glamorous.

Poor choices

My organs feel like they are swollen and bumping into each other like painful tectonic plates.

But no matter how poorly I feel at least I’m not one of these idiots.

I’m taking this second picture hours later as a way to document the body entry points for the rescue team if one even exists up here. They are on their sixth hour by my calculations.

Busy

20 degrees and it feels like a damn heat wave. The dogs can go outside without the mutt having to alternate paws on the burning cold tundra.

Along with ice age temperatures our house was plunged into the eighties as internet service was knocked out. This made for a ding dong dilly work dumpster fire. Everything was fine but all of my calls were via cellphone and my iPad was tethered to the thing for data as well which seemed to knock each other out at random. Electronic spinning plates.

I think I mentioned the other day that my middle child’s car was frozen in place at the mall where she works. The new twist is I can’t find a tow company to take my money to go get the thing. I called six places and they are all slammed pulling vehicles out of traffic and other such nonsense.

Aside from that speed bump I’m giddy as a schoolgirl from an era before everyone was such a bummer and overly concerned with everything including a happy female child getting insulted by silly words meant to make fun of someone else namely me. My friends and I are heading up to the lake for a couple days of poker and bad decisions with a Super Bowl thrown in for good measure.

If you’ll excuse me I need to start packing.