Unpatient walker guy

I was walking through the human above ground glass encased tunnel system here in St Paul known locally as the Skyway when I became enraged by a complete lack of basic traffic rules and situational awareness. (Holy horseshit that sentence was ridiculous. I think I’m still a bit pissed. Apologies) No matter who I was walking behind they did something stupid.

First up was slow-for-no-reason guy. If everyone would just obey the rules of the road like slow drivers use the right lane so people can pass on the left this clear tunnel world would be a better place. He had short legs which already slows him down and he enhanced his lack of natural stride length by being loaded up like a pack mule.

His briefcase was enormous and fully packed bouncing off of his right hip while a box was crammed under his left arm. This made him wider than he normally would be and the extra weight made him waddle so that added a couple inches to each side every other stride. This was the walking equivalent of being stuck behind a snowplow.

The tubes change elevation as the topography of the city evolves which means that it is also a system of up and down ramps. My foot commute isn’t long but at three times normal by the last down ramp I wanted to kick him square in the back while screaming THIS IS SPARTA. (If you don’t understand the reference stop reading this and immediately watch the movie 300)

Next up was a perfume crop duster. The sickening flower stench wafting in this woman’s wake made me cough as my system rejected the experience. She was ten paces ahead of me and each one took me closer to the epicenter of stink. By the time I passed her my eyes were watering and I was at the elevator bank.

Lack of situational awareness gets under my skin. It is so effing selfish to conduct yourself as a human speed bump or mosquito abatement vehicle. Okay, yup, I’m still a little irritated…

Lemonade

As I sit in this too fancy Toyota dealership service waiting room preparing my NO voice I can’t help but be puzzled by the decor. This thing is insane. Individual arm chairs with swivel desks on them, a quiet room, a kids playroom, games, and snacks. They could just knock all this crap down and just let me watch the salesman show.

You might be thinking “hey Tom, why is your cheap ass getting service at a dealership?” And my answer would be because it was included with the purchase. The negotiations on this car got bumpy and neither side would budge until they suggested this included maintenance deal.

Sorry, I just got distracted by an old man completely dismantling a used car on the showroom floor. He has taken all the mats out, removed the spare tire and is currently demanding that all stickers be removed so he can inspect the paint. I completely respect his game. He has the sales kid rattled.

The poor kid keeps trying to use his limited experience to learn more but I think the customer buys cars for a living. The kid asked what he drives now and old buyer guy responded that he didn’t need to worry about that because he was going to need the best price one of these has ever sold for.

Thankfully a more senior dude recognized a drowning coworker and is attempting to assist. Now he wants to drive it and the kid does not look well. Hopefully the right one goes on the test drive because I have a feeling the old dude has some tricks up his sleeve.

Got to go as it’s time to throw a couple dozen no’s at my service rep. This is the part I love but makes those around me uncomfortable. Just some Saturday fun.

Adventurous

I was cleaning out my phone’s picture pile and came across a couple I forgot to post.

My friends and I thought we came across a very specific price of bar glass wear. So impressed with this Jager Bomb chalice were we that I tried looking it up online from this picture. After my friend took it down we tried to figure out how they made it but gave up and asked around the establishment. Turned out that it was just two glasses fused together by the Red Bull sugar. In other words, it was dirty.

Then the next morning I stumbled into my office and this gem was waiting on my desk.

That right there will intensify a hangover. Luckily the phone was found and my headache eventually cleared.

I left the note on my desk as my addled brain mistook the medium used in the creation of that masterpiece as mascara. Once when we were first married I scratched out what seemed like an extremely important note to myself with the stuff and was still finding things I’d touched a week later.

Luckily this was just a sharpie on a paper towel. Everyday life is an adventure.

Sbod

Things got interesting on my flight to Minneapolis yesterday when the stewardess asked over the intercom if there was anyone onboard with medical training… immediately heads were popping up and looking around like belted in prairie dogs to see who could possibly be in distress. I was wearing my DO NOT DISTURB headphones but I had the noise cancelling on low so I knew what was going on but figured I would be of no help. All heads were turned toward the back of the plane so I used my amazing deductive reasoning to assess that was where things were happening.

My two seat mates immediately began bitching about how this might impact their exit from the aircraft. I let this go on because I had no desire to interact with these two plus it would have exposed the fact that I was listening while working my crossword. Side note: I’m on my free trial of the New York Times crossword puzzle on my iPad so I’m trying to do it every day but I’m not sure if I can justify $40 per year to feel more stupider.

So when we landed the captain let us know that we would be directed straight to the gate and asked that we all remain seated so emergency medical personnel could get on and do their work. It seemed reasonable to everyone who was sane but some folks began to grumble including one of my two fellow row mates.

The medics came aboard with their plane sized equipment and everyone was watching until it got boring. Then all thoughts turned internal and folks began to grumble with some even starting to stand in the aisle. The announcer came back on and let us know that they were preparing to take the patient off blah blah please sit down. My dude on the end looked completely put out and began to talk to his new buddy about letting us off first.

I was already irritated by my inability to solve the aforementioned puzzle so I decided to try and play with the people around me.

“I hope every one of these selfish assholes has a heart attack in the air at some point and no one around them cares enough to let potentially lifesaving care get in before they get off the plane.”

This was my first salvo said to no one but loud enough to carry just a bit. Apparently the very same no one wanted to engage. I even waited but I had no takers. Aisle guy even sat down and shut up. Where is their spirit of debate? I was bored and wanted to engage but had no takers. Spineless bag of dicks.

If you’re looking for medical follow up to this story you are out of luck. The dude was alert and had an I.V. when I last saw him but no idea on anything other than that.

Figure it out

Someone needs to figure this internet shit out ASAP. When I talk about internet shit I mean that it needs to be a utility that gets piped into your home and you pay for the speeds you want and that’s it. I realize that is exactly what they claim it is now but Holy Happy Horseshit I spent two hours on the phone last night trying to untie the knot that is one of my two internet bills. This bundle bullshit shell game has got to go.

I know, waaaah, you have two houses that need internet… you need to stifle yourself because that house on the lake is a boil on my financial ass but it makes my wife happy so it is a necessary evil. (deep mental breath after that awful run on and on sentence) One of the ways to reduce the discomfort is to rent the thing out to help defray costs… Nowadays that doesn’t happen without connection to the matrix.

Anyway, there aren’t a ton of choices up in Hooterville so I ended up with Xfinity. They put me on some two-year triple nonsense that means having a phone number that doesn’t ring anywhere is supposed to save me $30 a month. I don’t really understand but I’m sure this idiocy translates into Walstreet number fluffing that makes them look good somehow. I just happened to look and my bill went up like my blood pressure.

Turns out some of my deal expired and there were some charges for equipment that I never returned. The only problem is that the equipment was for the phone I never had which means I don’t have it to give back. Oh, and all the movie channels that were included now cost more than if I were to subscribe to them individually on the line.

So, this has been a big boring setup to the one bright spot in last nights time suck. I had my third person on the phone talking to me about returning the phone modem thing I never got and if I had it the location would be two states away from my current location. I was frustrated and asked the person if they could call me on that number from another line.

When they said they were I pretended that I thought I heard it ringing and told them it was weird because I don’t remember plugging a phone into the thing. The smug asshat on the other end of the line told me “it’s okay, it happens all the time.” WHAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME? PEOPLE PLUG IN AND SUBSEQUENTLY LOSE THEIR LANDLINE PHONES? I WAS KIDDING YOU IDIOT, MAKE THE CHARGES GO AWAY.

It shouldnt be this hard. Maybe the cell phone people will figure out the 5g nonsense and I can make the home internet thing just go away. My faith in that Costco sized pack of dildos isn’t really strong so I wont be holding my breath.

Ummm

I had a term from my childhood pop into my head this morning but it was not pleasant. As soon as I got in the cab I noticed a smell. Not the generic too much air freshener scent, this stench had some thickness. It was weird but not enough to halt all breathing like powerful body odor or gas. Just trouble in the air.

It annoyed me as we wove through the neighborhood but I couldn’t put my nostril on it I until we stopped at a light. The driver turned around to ask me what airline I was flying and I was punched in the face by some of the worst mouth smell I’ve experienced.

I was more than three feet away but there was no room to back up. I have no idea what it could have been like closer to the source because it had weight when it hit me. Up close had to be brutal.

I shut down the nose but somehow I could still taste it. My mind was racing as I tried to figure out how I could survive the ride. All I could come up with was a window roll down which somehow didn’t help.

He was drinking coffee but that had little to do with my experience. This had to be recent and now weeping oral surgery. Or, I now know what gingivitis actually smelled like after all these years hearing about it during commercials.

I mumbled something about getting car sick so I could lean my face out the window. Once the breeze cleansed my olfactory system the taste left in my system triggered a memory; Baloney Breath.

No other description fit and I immediately felt bad for the first person to use that phrase as I understood it’s true meaning. I couldn’t get past the sensation that the smell had mass so like one of those idiotic ghost hunters on tv I took a picture.

That is a pretty good picture of nothing considering the conditions. I bought and chewed an entire pack of gum once I got to the airport.

NAFIC

For the two of you who keep checking in here every day you can cut it out. I’ve decided that this would best be a weekly place to write. In the spirit of under promise and over deliver I will commit to creating something at least once a week and if I happen to do more, then consider it a bonus. This also helps with my insane work schedule. What used to be something fun I could plop down in my spare time has turned in to a bit of a chore as I trudge through one of my toughest travel years ever.

Enough of that super douchey blogging about blogging and on to the writing at hand. I had some errands to run today and ended up becoming a bit parched. My old stomping grounds have become forever unclean after I discovered black bits floating in my already poisonous Diet Coke. Upon further inspection there was something in the ice as I discovered by taking a virgin cup and filling it with said same biohazard. Anyway, my local Speedway is now dead to me.

So I found myself in the McDonald’s drive through attempting to purchase some reasonably priced refreshment where I ended up behind a human pet peeve. How in the hell can you survive in modern urban America and be bad at drive through? I don’t get it. She started off not pulling all the way up to the speaker so she couldn’t really hear and had to shout her order.

Then, as we were in the now standard two lane system (which is a discussion for another time), she had some trouble with the concept of taking turns and it screwed everyone else up. Not only could she not alternate but there was something really interesting on her phone which made proper forward motion and spacing an issue. Holy horseshit I should not have been able to study this idiot for this long.

And due to the aforementioned order screwup she alternated her order at the pay window which should result in a one month suspension and a mandatory etiquette course but I’m not the king of McDonaldland. And finally, big shocker, her special order was not ready so she had to pull forward but didn’t really grasp the fact that her fellow patrons would still be conducting business behind her.

This was an unpresidented breach of all drive through etiquette and by the end I became embarrassed for the young woman. People need to move about their days with more purpose. Even on Sundays while doing seemingly mindless activities…

Notes to self: Work on a retail driving situation assessment program. Participants sign up to learn the rules and agree to be tested. In the future this could work like TSA precheck. Initial spitball name Not A Fucking Idiot Certification or NAFIC. Not great but not the worst first thoughts.