NOT 100 things

Lots of Web Logger types on the www publish a list of 100 Things. I think it started out as a way to force you to write one hundred facts about yourself but it has mutated into something boring. To get to the good stuff you have to mine through miles of meaningless bullshit like the witty quip that inevitably ends up after the number sixty nine. tee hee.

I liked reading them better before everyone got scared to put down anything personal or reveal anything about themselves. So I am taking the idea and making it my own. I am going to use the hundred things page as a place to write down random weird crap. It’s not necessarily for public consumption but you are always welcome to poke around.

Also don’t be disappointed if you see an idea quickly jotted down here turned into a full blown post later. You should also proceed with caution as this might give you a peek directly into the eye of my psychosis. You have been warned.

And now on with our show:
I am obsessed with people who rise up from nothing to run huge companies only to screw it up in some ridiculous fashion. It almost makes me want to lose everything (because I didn’t grow up anywhere near a hood of any kind) then work my way up from the mail room even though I don’t think most modern companies have rooms piled with correspondence anymore. And then when I finally take control I could jettison my current family because really, what good would a support system who loves you unconditionally be at this level of commerce? And then I could marry the first half way decent looking younger girl who paid me the attention I deserved.

I would obviously have trouble supporting her elaborate tastes even though two months ago she was just my secretary living in a studio apartment with leopard print silk bedding. So I would have to embezzle money to keep up with the Joneses if the Joneses were Colombian Drug Lords because that would be required for me to have to keep up with their money. And then I could get caught, lose everything, go to trial, and shoot myself in the face. Ya, that would be cool.

If someone is pissing me off when I’m talking to them I fire them in my mind. Even if they don’t work for me I fire them. Over and over and over. Sometimes if they keep driving me nuts I have to mentally eliminate them. If I were a Scanner (Scanners, classic scifi movie, watch it to get the reference) I would need a full time clean-up crew to follow me around.

I was practicing my killing with kindness today but in my mind I was actually dismembering them while we spoke. I started with their ears and then decided I needed to learn what cuts would be necessary to remove a person’s facial mask in tact. Not because I would wear it around or anything but just so I could say that I did it. You know, like when you peel an apple in one giant spiral peel and then show it to everyone around as if they give a shit. Same thing. ish.

If I had Santa Clause powers I would be the world’s greatest thief and you couldn’t stop me.

I wish that I had been around for the invention of plastic. Then maybe it would be called stupidtomtic. Fuck that Plas guy.

I really need to stop being such a know-it-all because I’m starting to annoy myself.

Self awareness is both a blessing and a curse. That is why the first truly self aware man invented alcohol. I love that guy so much I would marry him if he would be up for a nonsexual bigamist relationship where he would be expected to pay his share of the bills and provide me with free samples of his invention.