Could be me ish

I no shit think I showed up on a kind of legit web site. Okay, not all of me, just my shoe. And the site isn’t really one that anyone could name off the top of their heads but still…

I know that in certain seats my feet do violate my front seat neighbors personal space if I don’t pay attention. The clue is usually some kind of contact causing me to reel in the offending foot. Here are the earlier depicted shoes

I would have reached out to the author but this is one of those collection sites and talking to the email of record will most likely sign me up for even more spam. I’m seriously considering some kind of dress shoe toe identification mark. I know I have a wood burning iron around here somewhere…

Best of

A new gas station bar has been set and I just wish I lived near one.

This thing is massive and I was told this isn’t close to the biggest in the chain.

It’s insane. Full barbecue area, made to order food, a beef jerky deli counter, full bakery, full in house candy shop. All the while touting world famous clean bathrooms. This is a bold statement so I had to see for myself.

The were not wrong. This is a must see. If you find yourself in Texas I demand that you see if you are close to one of these. I should have taken pictures of the jerky deli but it took ten full minutes to get the bathroom shots. Ain’t nobody sept me got time fo dat.

Nonsense

I’m training this week at the Texas Motor Speedway and the only thing that could make the view better would be fast cars and stands full of fans.

The sheer amount of land this thing takes up is amazing. I was talking to a grounds guy on a break and he said that grocery stores open up in the parking lots during race weeks. This sport is pulling me in with an awesomeness tractor beam.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better they have a goat with a patch of hair in the shape of a number 3 on its side taxidermied and under glass.

And I can’t be stuffed and mounted in an attacking bear pose after I go because of legal mumbo jumbo. ridiculous

Awfully Awesome

I am currently experiencing one of those valleys in life that you just have to navigate. The problem, when it comes to writing in this thing, is shitty situations tend to take up more than their fair share of brain. No apologies or further explanation just something everyone goes through now and again. I tell you this because personal life storms make my job harder.

I am up in front of a room filled with 50 people who paid good money for my best effort. I’m giving it to them but it’s exhausting. Fall asleep at 7:45 and never stir exhaustion. But I went to bed with a smile on my face.

As I dragged myself back to the hotel I was fantasizing about turning on the TV and not interacting with humans. Waiting for the elevator with another weary traveler neither of us were paying much attention and crowded the doors.

A woman with a horrified look on her face couldn’t even wait for us to move as she shot in-between and past. Again, slower than usual about noticing things, I made my way in and told my pilot the floor I needed. He made a weird noise so I looked up from my phone apparently the same time I needed some air.

The olfactory assault was all consuming. I can only say that the words MUSTARD GAS immediately flashed into my skull. We were both staring wide eyed at each other trying to hold our breath. That little scared woman dropped record setting ass and had no idea that two other humans would need to immediately enter the fallout zone.

My fellow victim got out on his floor and I stepped out as well opting for another ride. Once the door closed I felt it was safe and resumed regular breathing. Not long after I started to laugh. That poor woman might have just checked out of the hotel lest she run into either of us again.

I do worry for her health. I almost dry heaved on initial contact and the way she flew out of the space she knew it was bad. Awful and awesome all rolled into one.

appliance

I have been suffering from a self diagnosed case of overactive brain syndrome. Not that any of you care but I am up to my ass in alligators and every time I’ve sat down to write in this thing I have drawn a blank. And then yesterday I had a fleeting funny thought but I went to cook something on the stove and encountered a broken vent fan. When I say broken I mean the button had been mashed with the force normally reserved for the Hi Striker game at the carnival. And then because I’m not here all the time someone cleverly figured out that using tools could wiggle the button back into a useable position. That is until I hamhandedly tried to get it to work and according to my appliance guy broke the board behind it.

fullsizeoutput_38e

If you don’t have an appliance guy its okay because they spend most of their time explaining why all of the parts required for what appears to be a simple fix would cost roughly one and a half times the amount it would take to buy brand new. Instead you pay him a hundred and a half to switch something on the motherboard which turns the light button into a working fan button and now a light just ceases to be a feature. That was probably too much and I should have just grabbed a new version but right now I got no time to set up an install and want to research the new one for a while. Like a year while.

That fan thing sidetracked me to the point that I forgot what I found funny about going out back with the dogs and sliding down three deck stairs on my ass and back. As I lie there going through a systems check before attempting to move I couldnt help but wonder what would happen if I were really hurt. The idiot dogs would be no help because we don’t own Lassie. And my family pays loose attention to my whereabouts as they pop in and out of the house. The funny thought has truely left my mind but it had something to do with me wearing one of those “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” buttons and then I think it morphed into an invention idea for me and my friends at the lake.

I’ll keep scratching at that one until I remember

Awesome and awful

I have a friend who once played right in to my stubborn assness. We were at the lake with the boys and the half bath toilet seat broke. We were at the Hooterville hardware store looking for a seat when he picked up one of those squishy ones from the eighties and declared “no one would ever buy one of these!

Sold.

And every year since it’s installation My friend has forgotten about its existence or been forced due to capacity or contamination to sit on the bubblegum seat. And every time he does an exclamation of disgust is followed by mumbled swearing which makes me endlessly happy.

And like the gift that keeps on giving he sent me an email the other day that has me thinking about learning to knit.

Axe hole

Last week jammed me up. It was a long week and a good one but it put me on my heels this weekend. The Friday night stay was due to an office not-so-holiday party. It was at an axe throwing place and we were all dressed like the workers.

This is me losing my semifinal match and I can’t say I was pissed. I lucked my way through my own bracket by following their exhausting steps. Then my opponent and friend suggested I try one handed while we were practicing for our quarterfinal match. So much easier because I wasn’t chanting steps in my skull. Just see the target hit the target.

Anyhow, good times and I scored a “serious wood” shirt for my wardrobe and just finished retiring the one it will replace. One thing in one thing out. Cold as a snowman’s a-hole up there but some days are sure pretty.

Okay, the city seems trapped in the eighties but the sky and those clouds of life preserving steam are what I was talking about. And now if you’ll excuse me I need to search for an axe throwing league around here. I like obscure and rarely applicable life skills.